THE FORCE WILL BE WITH YOU, SAYS HARDMAN

In the wake of last November’s crocodile attack in the town centre, Froghill police have announced drastic new measures to beef up the force’s street credibility.

“What happened to PC Pymple that night was nothing short of disgraceful,” Detective Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman told the Observer, “it demonstrated a complete lack of respect for the police in particular and the law in general. I am determined that such behaviour will not become the norm.”

From tomorrow, patrolling officers are to be kitted out in full body armour, comprising tungsten-carbide sculpted pectorals, ‘Vari-Flex’ rubber biceps and full-face Jason Voorhees masks.

Laser-guided ballistic missiles, accurate up to three hundred metres and activated by a button in the wearer’s groin, will be incorporated into all regulation-issue helmets.

Additional clout will be provided by voice synthesizer implants, featuring state-of-the-art ‘MagnaVox’ technology from Japan.

“Implants will require only minor surgery and, consequently, a minimal recuperation period,” said DI Hardman. “We can expect officers to be back in harness a matter of days after being fitted with a voice unit. Scarring will be unsightly but not life-changing.

“The default setting for each unit will be ‘Dirty Harry’ with a ‘RoboCop’ option for use in more demanding situations.”

To ensure superior surveillance capability and increased pursuit speed, known trouble spots are to be patrolled by officers on high-visibility, turbocharged pogo sticks.

GHOST COW IN CAR CRASH CONUNDRUM

A car accident which occurred in the small hours of this morning was caused by a ghost, according to the driver.

Perry Birtles, of Eiderdown Lane, Wythering, was on his way home from a worm racing party when his car went off the road and collided with one the gateposts outside Fanshawe House. No other vehicles were involved.

Mr. Birtles sustained minor injuries and was taken to Froghill General for treatment. He was later released.

“I was driving along Wythering Road at around 2am,” the 28-year-old told the Observer, “when this large, white shape floated across the road in front of me. I slammed on the brakes sharpish, the car skidded and crashed into the gatepost.”

According to Mr. Birtles, the apparition was the size of a large cow, fluffy in appearance and had a long tether trailing from its neck.

“It was making this high-pitched, repetitive, squeaking noise, like somebody rubbing their finger on the surface of a balloon.

“Makes my blood run cold just thinking about it,” said Mr. Birtles.

The accident comes just days after unconfirmed reports of a shadowy figure making its way across Wythering Road at dusk. The figure is described as wearing a long coat, ‘a sort of wizard’s hat’ and playing some form of wind instrument.

CHEEKY BRIAN SUCKS THE BIG ONE

A local man is to feature in the Guinness Book of World Records after winning the 2019 Cheek Sucking Championships at the Olympic Stadium in Helsinki last night.

Brian Dillpickle, a freelance ferret boxer from Traubert’s Heath, beat local boy Timo Järvinen and South Korean veteran Lee Ju-Yong to smash the previous record and take gold.

Speaking to the Observer by phone from Finland, the 37-year-old said he was over the moon.

“I’m over the moon,” he said.

A jubilant Brian added: “I was trailing 7-5 until we got to the Double Heimlich event, where I managed to overtake Ju-Yong and draw level with Timo.

“At this point, I felt I might be in with a chance, as the final manoeuvre of the competition was ‘The Horse’. It’s the one I’ve been training for all these months.”

‘The Horse’ requires contestants to suck both cheeks inside the mouth, down the throat and into the windpipe so that the eyes shift outwards. The aim is for both eyes to reach a perfect 90° angle in relation to the nose. The resulting ‘horse’ face is then held in position and timed.

“I honestly had no idea how long I’d held on for until the referee tapped me on the shoulder to signal it was all over,” said Brian.

At a staggering 23.6 seconds, his attempt more than doubled the previous record, set by Canadian Greg Parminter in 1998. In front of an ecstatic capacity crowd, an emotional Brian stepped up onto the podium to take the $500,000 winner’s cheque and claim his place in the annals of international sucking.

Asked how he would celebrate once he got back home, Brian said: “I'm not sure – it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

“But I think I might use the money to set up a cocaine dealership.” 

CROCS AWAY WOMAN SENTENCED

A Froghill woman has been sentenced to three months' community service after admitting to assaulting a police officer.

Sharon Sims, aka ‘Mademoiselle LaLa’, of Tinker’s Lane, Swansdike, appeared at Froghill Crown Court yesterday and pleaded guilty to the assault which occurred late last year.

The court heard that, on the evening of 21 November, Sims had been at the The Nut Tree, Froghill, where she was employed as an exotic dancer.

“She did a routine with Sonny and Cher, her two baby crocodiles,” said landlord Bill Blocker, from the witness box. “The act went down very well and everyone was buying her drinks afterwards. By closing time, she was very much the worse for wear.

“She kept coming up to the bar, shouting ‘Crocodile sandwich – and make it snappy!’ and then collapsing in giggles.”

At two o’ clock the following morning, Police Constable Kevin Pymple came across Sims wandering aimlessly around the town centre. She was unsteady on her feet, had a bottle of vodka in one hand and was singing Crocodile Rock in a loud voice.

When the constable tried to apprehend her, Sims became abusive. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out both crocodiles and lunged at him. One animal fastened onto the PC’s nose. The other sank its teeth into his helmet. Sims then shouted ‘Crocs Away!’ and stumbled off, leaving the constable with the reptiles attached to his person.

PC Pymple was taken by ambulance to the Crocodile Injuries Unit at Froghill General Hospital, where he underwent a four-hour emergency nose transplant.

Sonny and Cher were referred to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART), where they are currently undergoing a course of obedience training.   

Presiding judge Neville Silliphant charged Sims with aggravated assault, two counts of being drunk in charge of a dangerous reptile and wilful destruction of police headgear.

Ms. Sims asked for 72 other cases to be taken into consideration.

ARK IS FAKE SAYS FISH

In the homes, workplaces, pubs and restaurants of Froghill, there can have been few other topics of conversation this week. The discovery of a golden casket in a Chestnut Rise loft, as reported by the Observer ten days ago, has set the town abuzz with excitement. Can it really be the Ark of the Covenant, the fabled golden repository of the Ten Commandments?

The short answer is ‘No’, according to Froghill Institute for Social History researcher, Dr. Crispin Mortlake.

“Our suspicions were aroused when we examined the underside of the casket,” said Dr. Mortlake, “as the words ‘Karrisafe Crates and Pallets’ could be seen, clearly stencilled on the wood. So next, we applied a little paint stripper to the lid. This caused the words “Stack No More Than 10 High’ and ‘This Way Up’ to become visible.

“The two stone tablets inside turned out not to be made of stone at all. They're made of concrete and feature no engraving whatsoever, though one of them does have ‘Property of Froghill District Council’ stamped on it. The wooden staff proved to be the leg from an old dining chair.

“From a historical point of view, the most interesting of the casket’s contents was the clay pot.”

According to the Old Testament book of Hebrews, the jar inside the Ark contained manna, the food provided by God to sustain the Israelites during their wanderings in the desert.

“While the pot is clearly of considerable age and most likely originates from the eastern Mediterranean,” continued Dr. Mortlake, “it has been crudely painted over with gold acrylic paint, the sort of thing used to decorate model aircraft.

“However, the real surprise came when we analysed the residue inside it. It was not manna, honey or anything even remotely edible. It was human earwax.

“I mean, who on earth keeps earwax in a jar?”

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In a news item entitled Asthmatic Woman Finds Tapir in Coffee Jar, we described Dominic Restinpiece, proprietor of the Buried Treasures funeral directors, as having “a huge, black, shiny arse.” That should, of course, have read “a huge, black, shiny hearse.” We apologise to Mr.. Restinpiece and his family for any offence caused.

SPAWN AGAIN - WE’VE GOT TICKETS!

As reported in yesterday’s Observer, Spawn Again is coming to Froghill - and we’ve got five pairs of tickets to give away! All you have to do to win a night with the craziest amphibian in showbiz is answer these three simple questions:

1. What kind of creature is Crazy Frog?

a) A frog

b) A turkey

c) A bastard

2. Which adjective best describes Crazy Frog?

a) Brilliant

b) Hilarious

c) Cretinous

3. Melvin Sadman, aka Spawn Again, should be

a) inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame

b) given a Knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday Honours

c) beaten with a rubber hose until he begs for mercy

To win your pair of tickets for Spawn Again on Wednesday, February 27^th, choose option c) for all three questions and then send your answers to the Observer at: www.froghillobserver.co.uk/no-mates.

A STAR IS SPAWN

These days, there are tribute acts to just about everyone but, later this month, the finest mock ‘n’ roll act ever to don a crash helmet is due in Froghill.

Spawn Again, the world’s only tribute to madcap amphibian Crazy Frog, will be at the Assembly Rooms later this month. Best known for his unfeasibly large mouth, globular blue-white body and gurgling acapella vocals, Crazy Frog was the undisputed hit parade highlight of 2005.

Speaking to the Observer by phone, Melvin Sadman, aka Spawn Again, said: “It’s an honour and a privilege for me to perform as Crazy Frog. While it may be common knowledge that he was a genius, few people realise what a perfectionist he was. I just hope I’m worthy to inherit the helmet.”

When asked if he would play the smash hit Axel F as part of the show, Melvin replied: “Of course. What else is there?”

Spawn Again will be playing for one night only. So get your helmet on your head, a shoe tree in your mouth and let’s get ready to gurgle!

Spawn Again play the Assembly Rooms on Wednesday, February 27. Tickets, priced 45p each, will be on sale at the box office between 9.45 and 10 am on the day.

ROBOT CAT IN GLOBAL TAKEOVER BID

A therapeutic robot developed exclusively in Froghill is to go on sale later this week.

Inspired by Paro, an automated baby seal produced in Japan in the 1990s, the Feline Robo-Electronic Device is designed to bring comfort to the elderly and those suffering from anxiety or depression.

Fred comes equipped with multiple 64-bit processors, six tactile sensors, touch-sensitive retractable claws, a 'Miaomatic' voice synthesizer, a multi-gusset Neoprene bladder and a self-replenishing fur ball generator.

“Fred will display all the qualities of a living cat,” said developer Dr. Ethan Mudlark of the Froghill Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (FAIL).

“We anticipate that it will appeal to people who want to own a pet but who, for reasons such as infirmity, insanity or the tendency to eat them, cannot care for living animals.”

Fred, available online from this Thursday, will shed hair, scratch the furniture, spray noxious liquid and inexplicably disappear for days at a time. It will also be capable of hiding partially deceased rodents under the bed in the spare room.

Designed for maximum durability, Fred will be resistant to dogs, children, cooking oil, fire, hammers, plastic explosives, rattlesnake venom, mass hysteria, a no-deal Brexit, TV baking contests and being strapped to the landing gear of a fully laden passenger aircraft.

“While Paro was a success in both therapeutic and commercial terms,” Dr. Mudlark told the Observer, “we hope that Fred will prove an even bigger hit, due to the cat’s historic familiarity as a domestic animal.

“We confidently predict it becoming the most popular robot pet in the world.”

Fred will cost £378,000 plus VAT and is available by logging on to www.fail.co.uk/FRED. Terms and conditions apply.

ARK OF THE COVENANT FOUND IN LOFT

The Ark of the Covenant, a golden casket described in the book of Exodus as containing the Ten Commandments, has been discovered in Froghill.

The fabled chest, previously claimed as resting in places as diverse as Ethiopia and Ireland, was uncovered by accident yesterday afternoon.

“I was up in the loft, having an early spring clean,” said Tilly Banstead of Chestnut Rise. “I’d already found some old vinyl albums of my husband’s tucked away in a corner and then I came across this box with a rug draped over it.

“When I pulled away the rug, I noticed that the box appeared to be covered in gold. So I opened it up to see if there was anything in it.”

Inside, Ms. Banstead found two heavy stone tablets, a wooden staff and a clay pot containing a dried aromatic substance. Realising that she might have stumbled across something of historical significance, she phoned the Froghill Institute of Social History.

“It certainly is a most intriguing find,” said FISH researcher Dr. Crispin Mortlake. “Though of course it will be some time before we can vouch for the casket’s authenticity.”

When asked how she felt about her discovery, Ms. Banstead said: “To be honest, I was more excited at finding a copy of Diamond Dogs by David Bowie. They can fetch quite a lot on eBay if they’re in good condition."

FANNY REMOVAL LEAVES OPENING FOR JANE

In its ongoing drive to reduce expenditure in 2019, Froghill Library is rotating, rather than renewing, the stock on its shelves. 

Spokeswoman Lyndsey Spalding said: “Our first substitution, in which the Phillip K. Dick novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep was replaced with The Final Refuge by Paul Capon, proved highly popular, with over one person borrowing the Capon title.

“Consequently, from next Monday, John Cleland’s 1748 erotic novel Fanny Hill will be replaced with Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre, which appeared almost a century later, in 1847.”

ELEPHANT LUST LEADS TO EGG BONANZA

Emergency services were stretched to breaking point yesterday as 200 people needed attention following a tent collapse on Froghill Common.

The disaster occurred at Zeferelli’s Circus, when one of the elephants charged at the audience during the matinee performance.

The climax of the show involved four elephants, dressed in aluminium foil, curly wigs and glitter, performing together as the glam rock band Trunxy Music.

“They’d done their T. Rex number and were just launching into Slade when Leopold suddenly became agitated and stopped miming,” said circus owner Enzo Zeferelli. “He was breathing heavily and staring at a member of the audience.”

That audience member was Martin Cavendish, who was attending the performance with his son Ezra.

“He looked me hard in the eye and started getting an erection,” said Mr. Cavendish, recently discharged from hospital after his last encounter with Leopold, “then he shrugged off his guitar, trumpeted loudly and charged directly at me.

“It was clear from the look of lust on his face that he knew exactly who I was.”

Alarmed by the sudden uproar, the other three elephants panicked and stampeded. They smashed into the uprights supporting the big top, which sagged and pulled its supporting guy ropes out of the ground. With terrified audience members scrambling to escape and the PA system playing We’ll Bring The House Down, the 100-foot long marquee slowly collapsed. 

“Paddy was just doing his business,” said Bob Buttress, who was walking his dog on the Common, “and I could hear all this noise coming from the direction of the circus. Hell of a commotion going on.  

“Then suddenly, there was this huge candy-striped thing heading straight for me. I just dropped Paddy’s lead and ran for it.”

Propelled by four maddened elephants and two hundred terrified people, the out-of-control marquee blundered across the Common. It lurched onto Swansdike Road, causing several cars to swerve and two lorries to collide. One of the lorries, en route to a delivery at McDonald’s Pharm, shed its load, showering pedestrians with KY Jelly. The other slammed into a lamppost, sending a dog waste bin flying through the door of the Heaven Scent perfumerie.   

The big top travelled another three hundred yards, causing the oncoming 404 bus to veer through a hedge in an effort to avoid it. It came to an abrupt halt when two of the guy ropes became entangled with the traffic lights at Kidneystone Lane. Dazed onlookers phoned for help as the canvas mass thrashed about in front of them and the bus bounced off over the fields.

Scattering sheep as it went, the 404 crossed two fields, forded a stream, demolished a hay rick and ploughed on towards Rayling’s Farm. It finally came to rest after demolishing a hen house, the shock of which startled its occupants into frenzied laying.

The bus driver was taken to Froghill General and treated for contusions. She was later released and allowed to go home. Nobody else was seriously hurt, though a cat belonging to one of the passengers was reported as suffering a prolapse. 

“I just hope the bus company compensates me for the damage,” said Joshua Rayling, when phoned by the Observer. “There’s a bloody great hole in my hedge, my fields are all rutted, the sheep are in shock, the hens are traumatized - and new chicken coops don’t come cheap, neither.

“Mind you, I can’t say it’s all bad. Yesterday’s yield was three times normal. We may have lost the hen house, but we did at least get something eggs-tra!

“That was just my little yolk,” he added, moments before we put the phone down.

FOR DUCK’S SAKE! PLUCKY CORPORAL TO DESERT

A Cheetingham man is to cross the Sahara for charity later this month.

Corporal Kevin Baldock, 27, of the Royal Tank Regiment, will attempt to walk solo from the Red Sea to the Atlantic in support of the Armed Response to Special Education Society (ARSES), a charity which promotes educating children at gunpoint. 

This is not the first time that Cpl. Baldock has attempted an unusual feat of endurance. Readers may recall that last May, he swam from Dover to Calais in a suit of armour to raise money for The Donkey Sanctuary.

“The swim was a challenge but it whetted my appetite,” Cpl. Baldock told the Observer from his garrison in Wiltshire, “so this time, I thought I’d go for something on dry land.”

He will, in fact, be dealing with some of the driest land on the planet. Cpl. Baldock aims to set off from Port Sudan on February 10^th and cover the seven and a half thousand kilometres to the Senegalese capital of Dakar in around six weeks. He will be dressed throughout in the Donald Duck costume worn by Elton John during his 1980 concert in Central Park, New York. The costume was donated by the star himself.

Sponsorship will be provided by Froghill dessert manufacturer Priscilla’s Puddings, who have presented Cpl. Baldock with a sash reading: ‘Priscilla’s – Queen of the Desserts’.

Asked how he saw himself coping with the extreme daytime temperatures in the Sahara, the courageous corporal answered: “No big one. I’m going to take a torch and do it all at night.”