LEGLESS SEAMUS TO FAIL THIS WEEK

Seamus, the dog at the centre of the Cheetingham ski jump case (Observer, April 19) is to be discharged from the Wythering Animal Research Trust earlier than previously announced.

The injured Wolfhound will be transferred to the Froghill Artificial Intelligence Laboratory, where he will undergo extensive modification surgery.

The move follows WART’s discovery that Seamus’ legs are all but useless due to the damage he sustained upon crash landing in a fishpond.

Once at FAIL, his impaired limbs will be removed and state-of-the-art artificial replacements fitted, in a landmark procedure to be carried out this Thursday.

“We can rebuild him,” said Chief Prosthetics Technician, Dr. C.A. Rotwang. “We have the technology.”

The remodelled Seamus will feature four tri-axial wrap skis mounted on telescopic leg struts. These will substantially increase his ability to absorb impact when landing at speed. Each strut will rotate through a full 360º, allowing the animal to take part in slalom as well as regular ski jump events.

When not in use, the skis can be detached and replaced with ultra-light alloy wheels.

High-intensity xenon headlamps, bolted directly into the bone on either side of Seamus’ skull, will permit him to function in conditions of poor or reduced visibility. The necessary electrical power will be supplied by solar panels mounted along the animal’s spine.

“This achievement means more than just superiority on the ski slopes,” said Dr. Rotwang.

“Seamus is just the beginning. There will be more. Many, many more. I tell you, this is the dawning of the age of the Maschinenhunde!” he declared, staring maniacally, flaring his nostrils and striking a dramatic pose.

TOWELLING FOR ARTS CENTRE

Froghill Arts Centre is to play host to superstar novelist G.K. Towelling early next month.

The celebrated author, whose first novel Barry Squatter and the Spoonful of Cock-A-Leekie was rejected by over three hundred literary agents, went on to find international acclaim with titles such as Barry Squatter and the Deaf Marshmallows, Barry Squatter and the Calf-Shod Ponce and Barry Squatter and the Collar of Astrakhan.

She will present an illustrated lecture on the topic of her recent investigations into Council Tax bands in Stockton-on-Tees.

Ms.Towelling, who currently writes under the name Robbie Legbrace, will also read excerpts from her latest book 101 Things To Do With A Medium-Sized Rubber Bung.

G.K. Towelling, Froghill Arts Centre, Friday May 3^rd. Tickets priced £3,500 (concs and under 16s, £3,450) available online at www.fac.com/events/watchtvinstead

MAN ‘COMFORTABLE’ AFTER BLUEBELL ATTACK

A Cheetingham man is said to be ‘comfortable’ today after suffering a bluebell attack on Traubert’s Heath. Melvin Penrose, of Bessels Close, was walking with his wife Maureen yesterday afternoon when the attack took place.

“We were picking some flowers to put in the vase Auntie Vi gave us for our anniversary,” said a visibly distressed Maureen. “We’d already got some primroses and thought that a few bluebells would make a nice contrast.

“As Melvin bent down to snap off a couple of stems, the whole lot of them suddenly lunged at him. I didn’t know what to do. There were about a hundred of them and they were all growling and snarling.

“I was petrified.”

Luckily for Mrs. Penrose, a passing dog walker noticed what was happening and intervened. Thrashing with his walking stick, he managed to beat off the floral assailants, though not before his dog had received a warning nip from several of the blooms.

Emergency services were called and were on the scene within minutes.

“When he was admitted, Mr. Penrose was covered in tiny blue bite marks and suffering from shock,” said Dr. Ruben Flowerdew of the Belligerent Flora Unit at Froghill General. “However, the paramedics alerted us ahead of time, so we were ready with the Anti-Bluebell Serum as soon as he was wheeled in.

“This is far from the first case of bluebell attack we’ve treated this spring. While they may look innocuous enough, these flowers can be extremely vicious. We urge members of the public to exercise caution when walking in heavily bluebelled areas and under no circumstances to consider picking them.”

“Bluebells will go for every exposed area of flesh they can find,” added Dr. Flowerdew, “Mr. Penrose is only fortunate that he didn’t choose that spot to answer the call of nature,”

Mr Penrose’s condition has now stabilised and he is expected to make a full and complete recovery.

CAR DETONATION LEADS TO FREEBIE FOR SKATERS

Froghill’s folding ice rink is to reopen this week after remaining closed for the last three months. The rink has lain unused since mid-January, when it accidentally became locked in a car boot.

Owner and local businessman Marcus Creamfield said he was ‘over the moon’ that the rink would re-open to the public and invited skaters both old and young to a free session on Friday evening.

The rink, which is substantially bigger than a football pitch, has been a popular local attraction for over 20 years. When not in use, it folds up to the size of a Weetabix packet and can be stored in a carrier bag.

“I’d put it in the boot of the car at the end of the day,” recalled Mr. Creamfield, “and when I came to get it the following morning, the car’s locks jammed on me.”

All efforts to free the locks failed, as did attempts to force the boot lid with a crowbar. Eventually, with the ice melting and water cascading from the vehicle, the Royal Engineers were called in and Mr. Creamfield’s Volvo was blown up in a controlled explosion.

“When we finally salvaged the rink from the debris, it was in pretty bad shape,” said the 41-year-old entrepreneur. “Most of the grab rails had been blown off and, of course, all the ice had long since gone. The first problem was getting it open, as the hasps had stiffened during the three-months of inactivity.

“It can be very nasty, getting a stiff hasp,” added Mr. Creamfield, before turning on a hose to fill the rink, ahead of Friday’s grand re-opening on Froghill Common.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir, 

Three weeks ago, I found a pair of eyes while visiting the public conveniences in Everdene Road. They had been left by the taps on the second washbasin from the right. I imagine their owner had taken them out to give them a rinse and then forgotten to replace them before leaving.

Concerned that their owner might be missing them, I contacted Froghill police. They informed me that although they’d received numerous reports of mislaid body parts, nobody had reported losing any eyes. I made a video of them which I uploaded onto YouTube but, unfortunately, it garnered no views.

The eyes are hazel, flecked with brown and have their optic nerves attached. I have been keeping them moist with regular applications of WD40 and have set them in front of the TV so they don’t get bored.

If you are the person who mislaid your eyes in a toilet around the beginning of this month, please contact me. I will be more than happy to return them to you. My email address is beno@boohoo.com.

Yours faithfully,

Ben Okulaz,

Traubert’s Heath

MAN SENTENCED AFTER FOUR-YEAR SKI ORDEAL

A Cheetingham man has been sentenced to three years’ community service and fined £1,248 after admitting to four separate charges of animal cruelty.

Colin Tibble, a used cucumber salesman of Moon Crescent, pleaded guilty to all charges at Froghill Crown Court yesterday.

The court heard how the 34-year-old had spent over four years training his Irish Wolfhound Seamus to become a ski jumper. Tibble, alleged the prosecution, had become obsessed with the idea of being first to have his dog win gold at the winter Olympics.

To this end, he had converted the staircase in his home into a dry ski slope and, after strapping specially modified skis to the dog’s paws, would repeatedly push the animal from the top landing.

“I love Seamus and never intended him any harm,” said Tibble, who elected to conduct own defence. “During practice sessions, I always made sure to open the front door so that, as he flew through the air, he would land in the rosebed rather than smacking into a hard surface.”

In response, the prosecution outlined how, after failing in his bid to enter Seamus for the 2018 winter games in Pyeong Chang, Tibble drastically increased the pressure on the animal.

Addressing Tibble, Prosecuting Counsel Jeremy Stripe said: “I put it to you that, in the light of that rejection, you set about training the animal even more rigorously for Beijing 2022. To this end, you regularly forced Seamus onto the slope for anything up to 23 hours a day.”

A hushed court heard how police were finally called to Tibble’s house last January, after Seamus overshot the rosebed and landed in a neighbour’s ornamental fishpond, killing several rare koi carp in the process.

“The grievous nature of this crime lies not solely in its potential for physical injury,” said Stripe in his summing-up, “though, heaven knows, that was bad enough. No: the real injustice rests in the fact that Olympic rules make no provision for the inclusion of canine competitors.

“Consequently, your actions could have achieved nothing other than to callously dash your dog’s Olympic hopes and thereby condemn the animal to a lifetime of humiliation and regret.”

In sentencing, presiding judge Neville Silliphant charged Tibble with one count of reckless endangerment, one count of aggravated mental cruelty and two counts of forcibly attaching skis to a domestic quadruped.

He further ordered that Seamus be placed in the care of the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART) until such time as a properly qualified ski instructor could be appointed.

LOCAL ELECTION 2019: YOUR CANDIDATES IN FULL

Froghill goes to the polls next month in a local election to be held on Thursday, May 2^nd. Polling stations will be open from 10 to 10.15am. Votes to be counted by Sid and Doris Slattery of Traubert’s Heath, with results expected by Wednesday, October 23^rd. 

Here’s a list of those who will be vying for your vote on the day:

Jacob Raynboe-Trowte – Conservative

Jo Trotsky – Labour

Rosie Spex – Liberal Democrat  

Colonel Bogey – UKIP

Flo Bull-Warming – Green

Maj. Redfers Nuthatch – Rodent Gourmet

Stan Dallone – Independent

Bob D. Bilder – Positive Maintenance

Robert Marley – Soul Shakedown Party

Victoria Spunge – Bake-Off Coalition

Brian Verrisilly – Monty Python Revivalist

Capt. L.E. Oates – Ready Brexit Group

Galileo Figaro – Rhapsodic Bohemian Party

Donald Tusk – Elephant Liberation Front

Dave Spikey – Hedgehog Alliance

Wayne Sleep – Slumber Party

Iain Duncan Smith – Broad Centre Parting

You can register to vote on the Froghill District Council website: www.fdc.gov.uk/gawdelpus

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In a news item entitled Flat Headed Man in Drone Landing Ordeal, we described Dolores Tuft, of The Ridgeway, Traubert’s Hill, as being “as thick as four short planks.” That should, of course, have read “as thick as fourteen short planks.” We apologise to Ms. Tuft and her family for any offence caused.

VELOCIRAPTOR ATTACK LEADS TO WORLD RECORD BID

Last night’s performance of Jurassic Park ended in uproar after the cast of chickens, in character as velociraptors, attacked an audience member.

The resulting fracas at the Simon Fanshawe Memorial Hall left over a hundred people in need of medical attention. All thirty of our young visitors from Jument sur Mer were among the injured.

The disturbance occurred during the famous kitchen scene, when the chickens were onstage as a group. 

“Apart from one moment when the stegosaurus forgot his lines, things were going really well,” said FADS director Florian Dither, “the raptors were prowling the kitchen, the children were hiding behind the counter, it was electric. You could have heard a pin drop. 

“Then a latecomer walked in and all hell broke loose.”

The latecomer was farm worker Stephen Rayling, who quietly tiptoed to his seat in the front row. After he sat down, the chickens became visibly agitated. They flapped off stage, screeching loudly, and made straight for him.

“Each bird is fitted with a DinoSonic voice synthesiser and wears a tungsten carbide raptor mask.” said Mr. Dither, “They look and sound pretty convincing. The poor man was obviously terrified.

“They jumped up onto his legs and started pecking at his groin. Believe me, those masks have really sharp teeth - they must have done him a terrible mischief.”

In a frantic bid to shoo the chickens away, Mr. Rayling flung out his arms, sideswiping the people on either side of him. This caused them to topple over and crash into those behind, creating a domino effect which swept down the hall. In a matter of moments, the audience was reduced to a tangle of flailing limbs and folding chairs.

Paramedics were on the scene within minutes, treating most of the injured where they lay. Mr. Rayling was rushed to the Scrotal Perforations Unit of Froghill General, where he underwent a four-hour emergency operation. He remains in critical condition.

“Mr Rayling must have come directly from work,” said chief surgeon Dr. Nathan Toploder, “because when we removed his trousers, we discovered that his pockets were full of grain. That must have been what drew the chickens to him. 

“I’m sure not even Mr. Rayling imagined he was so far up the pecking order!”

If there is an upside to these unfortunate events, it is that Mr. Dither was on hand with his mobile phone. He has submitted the resulting photographic evidence to Guinness World Records, in an attempt on the record for the number of people injured in a domino effect. 

The previous record was set in Braşov, Romania, in 1986. On that occasion, a drunken tractor mechanic went beserk with a salami and flattened 79 people who were waiting in a bus queue.

FROGHILL TO OPEN FRENCH WINDOWS

A group of 30 French children are due to arrive in Froghill today, as part of a cultural exchange with our twin town of Jument sur Mer. The ten- and eleven-year-olds will be staying with local families over the Easter holidays.

The Hon. Gordon Bennett, who will greet the visitors as their coach arrives at the Town Hall this afternoon, said: “This is a wonderful opportunity for us to put aside present differences and further the long-established friendship between our two nations.”

Each of the young visitors is to be paired with a local counterpart and the Anglo-French group will spend the entire week in each other’s company.

“We have a wonderful schedule of events lined up, one that really showcases the richness and diversity of the Froghill area,” said Mayor Bennet.

“Highlights will include a conveyor belt ride at the Mungo Park Road Recycling Centre, a hands-on assisted piglet birthing at Raylings Farm and an illustrated lecture on sprocket greasing techniques at Chitling’s Balls and Brackets.”

The week will climax with a classic celebration of British culture, as the children spend Saturday evening in Froghill’s Nut Tree pub. Landlord Bill Blocker will personally ensure that each child consumes eight pints of bitter and a bag of pork scratchings, before he or she gets into a fight over Brexit and then vomits in a minicab on the way home.

“We look forward to welcoming these young people to our town,” said Mayor Bennet, “and hope that the next week will help us turn Vive la Différence into Vive La Similitude!”

A MOVING STORY - WITHER WYTHERING POND?

Concern is growing for public safety after reports of Wythering Pond changing location during the night.

Observer readers will recall that the pond was stolen last January and later discovered concealed in a toilet cistern. Since its reinstallation, the decorative body of water, which also serves as the village roundabout, has become displaced on more than one occasion.

“There was this sudden banging when the missus and I were in bed,” said Graham Sturbridge, landlord of the nearby Rising Sun.

  

“One night last week, it was. When I went down to check, I found the front door wide open, an empty beer barrel rolling about in the Saloon Bar and water all over the floor.”

The following morning, astonished villagers noticed that the pond was several feet to the left of its usual position and tilted at an angle, requiring drivers approaching from the Wythering Road to lean over in their vehicles and negotiate it on two wheels. 

Subsequent samples analysed by the Wythering Association for Sober Ponds (WASPs) showed the water to have an abnormally high alcohol content and four of its resident moorhens to be suffering with hangovers.

Last Friday morning, workmen arriving to perform routine maintenance on the duck house were alarmed to find no trace of the pond whatsoever. It was eventually tracked down to the graveyard of Wythering Church, where it had become wedged behind several headstones.

“It was pretty clear to us that the job wasn’t done right in the first place,” said maintenance operative Bob D. Bilder, “not all of the nuts had been properly tightened up and traffic vibration had caused them to come loose. That’s probably why it’s been moving about.”

When asked if he and his team could fix it, Mr Bilder replied: “Yes, we can.”

Despite several requests by the Observer, nobody at the Ponds and Assorted Small Bodies of Water Department of Froghill District Council was available for interview.

DINO-MITE SPECTACULAR FOR EASTER

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society has a theatrical treat lined up for us over the Easter holidays. Starting next Monday and running for the whole week, FADS will be presenting Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park at the Simon Fanshawe Memorial Hall.

FADS stalwart Mr. Donald Wilmott will star as entrepreneur John Hammond, immortalised in the 1993 blockbuster by Sir Richard Attenborough. Mr. Wilmott will be supported by brother and sister combo Kyle and Sophie Manning, as Hammond’s grandchildren. All velociraptors will be played by chickens, on loan from Rayling’s Farm and specially adapted by FADS.

The role of Tyrannosaurus Rex will be played by Ms. Harriet Matchless.

Tickets, priced £1,250 (concs and under 5s, £1,200), are available online at www.FADS.com/JP. No refunds under any circumstances.

EASTER EGGS? WE’VE GOT IT LICKED, SAYS REVEREND

Egg-stra! Egg-stra! Read all about it! The annual Easter treasure hunt, organised by St Alfege’s church, kicks off today.

Today, and every day until Easter, a cryptic clue will be posted on the church noticeboard. Each one will direct competitors to a different location around the Froghill area, where a prize will be waiting for the first to find it. Each of those daily clues will then add up to a final mega-clue, which will win one junior sleuth the grand prize on Easter Sunday.

“The treasure hunt is open to all children under ten and this year it’s better than ever,” said Rev. Lionel Hassock.

“Not only will there be an Easter egg prize every day but one lucky winner will receive an all-expenses-paid, family weekend at the Mungo Park Road Recycling Centre.

“Each day’s clue will be written in invisible ink,” Rev. Hassock continued, “and vigorous licking will cause the words to appear for just long enough for the message to be read.

“To add to the suspense, the secret locations all contain a surprise of some kind. It may be a gin trap, a nest of scorpions, a vat of acid, a sucking bog or a concealed sniper – whatever it is, I can promise it will be lots of fun!”

To help get you started, for today only, the clue appears on this page as well as on St Alfege’s noticeboard. Happy hunting, everybody!

Treasure Hunt Clue, Day 1:

My first is in willy but never in dick

My next is in sand – let’s hope it’s not quick.

My third hides in great and also in white

My fourth is in jaws, beware of their bite.

My fifth is in bondage and also in rope

My last says: ‘No chance, kid, you don’t have a hope!’

NO SILENCE PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH

Terry McGear has a unique job - he is this country’s one and only Bedroom Vocaliser. For the last four years, the 33-year-old from Traubert’s Heath has been earning his living by imitating the sounds of love that modern couples are no longer making for themselves. 

“Surprisingly, people these days are becoming more, rather than less, inhibited in the bedroom,” said ex-scaffolder Terry. “Fewer and fewer of my clients are making love with the light on, let alone with wild abandon.

“So that’s where I come in.”

Upon accepting a commission, Terry’s first concern is to ensure that he will be providing a 100% bespoke service. This involves a detailed discussion of each client’s preferences, conducted online or over the phone.

“Some people prefer me just to make rhythmic and inarticulate noises, others request specific exclamations like ‘Yes!’, ‘Oh, my God!’ or ‘There, just there!’ In that way, each job is unique and tailored to the individual.”

As the ‘elephant in the room’, Terry knows that it is essential to be discreet. He arrives at the house after the couple has gone to bed and lets himself in with a key left in a pre-arranged place. He then takes off his shoes.

“I always move in absolute silence. Even though both partners know I’m going to be there, it’s important that my arrival goes unnoticed. Otherwise, I might aggravate any existing inhibitions.” 

 

Upon entering the bedroom, Terry takes up position, crouching behind the curtains or an item of furniture. Though he is unable see his clients, his highly trained ear allows him to detect the small movements that signal the onset of lovemaking. It is then that his virtuoso skills kick in.

“I was in the choir at school,” said Terry, “and have made a point of keeping my voice up to snuff. That, along with regular oral exercise, has given me the ability to moan and sigh in several different octaves.”

This vocal flexibility allows Terry to faithfully mimic both voices during lovemaking, alternating between the two partners with consummate ease.

“Once foreplay has begun, I project my voice and vocalise both clients all the way to climax,” said Terry. “It usually takes between two and three minutes.

“Afterwards, I like to add little comments like ‘You were wonderful, darling’ or something of that nature. Then I wait. Once the sounds of breathing have become regular, I tiptoe out of the room and quietly make my exit.”

In the interests of spontaneity, Terry makes a point of never accepting more than two commissions a night. His services are not cheap, but the £600 per hour he charges makes sure that pressure of work does not compromise the quality of his performance.

“As luck would have it, my experience as a scaffolder has actually come in handy,” said Terry, with a wink. “If nothing else, it means I know a thing or two about getting it up!”

Terry can be contacted on www.groanman.com. Fees quoted in the article are exclusive of VAT.