Saturday, March 30, 2019

BEANS MEANS BREXIT FOR FROGHILL CAFÉ OWNER

A pink latte, flavoured with beetroot and created recently by a coffee blender in Norwich, has given Froghill café owner Trish Wellbeloved a few ideas of her own. 

Trish, proprietor of Something’s Brewing in Dial Street, said: “I like to keep a close eye on current events and I’m also pretty up-to-date with what coffee lovers are into. 

“So as the big issue these days is Brexit, I thought I’d work something around that.” 

The result is four new offerings which are available exclusively at Something’s Brewing. So how about a Flat No Deal, which is frothy milk in a cup of hot water, in case we have no trading partners to supply us with coffee beans? 

Or you might choose the Soft Latte, which is a bit less substantial than an ordinary latte and comes with a price tag of £39 billion. 

If that’s not to your taste, you could go for the Referendum Refill which, once chosen, involves a wait of three years before you’re asked if you’re sure that’s what you really wanted.

Finally, Trish’s piece de resistance is the Meaningful Mocha, in which you resolutely refuse the first coffee you are offered. You return two months later and are offered exactly the same coffee, which you refuse once more. Half of that coffee is then tipped down the sink and brought back to your table. You refuse this too, but not as decisively as you refused it before. 

On the question of whether customers would be offered the Meaningful Mocha a fourth time, Trish had no comment at the time of going to press.

Thursday, March 28, 2019

SHOPPERS GET CROSS IN THE MEADOWS

Visitors to the Meadows Shopping Centre can hardly fail to have noticed the new installation, erected outside the Buried Treasures funeral directors at the north end of the mall. 

The piece comprises a free-standing wooden cross with a male figure, clad only in loincloth and crown of thorns, nailed to it. Above its head is a curled piece of parchment which reads: ‘2 for 1 Spring Deal. Bury One, Get One Free’.

The installation was the brainchild of Buried Treasures proprietor, Dominic Restinpiece.

“Business has been dying off recently,” Mr. Restinpiece told the Observer, “so we needed to think of something to inject a little life into things.

“Luckily, we had a cadaver in stock with a slender physique, long brown hair and a beard. It was easy enough to find a bit of cloth to wind around his waist, and there are plenty of bramble bushes on Froghill Common.

“What with Easter approaching, it seemed just the thing to grab the public’s attention. It’s only a bit of advertising, after all.”

It seems that not everyone agrees. In fact, one local resident, retired major Redfers Nuthatch, was so incensed by what he saw that he immediately started a petition calling to have the piece removed.

“It’s an abomination – it’s blasphemy, pure and simple,” shouted Maj. Nuthatch down the phone from his home, “I want to see it taken down and the perpetrator properly punished. We didn’t stand for this sort of thing in the army, let me tell you!”

The petition, which has been online since Monday, has so far gathered over three and a half signatures. It can be accessed at www.petitionsRus/hotcrossban.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

While running errands in the Froghill area yesterday, I came across no fewer than three cars parked so that their wheels overlapped the ends of double yellow lines. In one case, as I discovered upon measuring, this overlap was by as much as eight inches.

Now you might call me old-fashioned, but I personally believe that double yellow lines exist for a reason. Such casual flouting of the law simply is not good enough. No parking should mean precisely that: no parking.

To add insult to injury, I noted that none of those three vehicles was displaying a penalty notice, which prompts the question: where are our law enforcement officers? Do I pay thousands a year in council tax for any Tom, Dick or Harry to park just as he pleases?

No doubt, had the offenders actually been booked, they would merely have been required to pay a fine. An affordable sum, conveniently dispatched online, is hardly likely to serve as a deterrent. No – I believe that something much more stringent is called for.

I propose that those guilty of thoughtless parking should have double yellow lines tattoo’d along the length of their bodies. They should then be required to lie naked on the road while their own vehicles are parked squarely on top of them. That should make damn sure they never do it again.

Yours indignantly,  

Sir Hugh Fyffes-Banana,

Buckshot Grange,

Swansdike.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In a news item entitled Pull My Teats! Pleads Desperate Farmer, we described Jacob Raynboe-Trowte, MP for Froghill, as “a stuck-up, rapacious Tory bastard who would happily sell his own grandmother for a knighthood”. That should, of course, have read “a devoted husband and father”. We apologise to Mr. Raynboe-Trowte and his family for any offence caused.

Friday, March 22, 2019

CHEETINGHAM PRIMARY - HAVE THEY OR HAVEN’T THEY?

Pupils at Cheetingham Primary will be on tenterhooks for the next three months, waiting to learn if they have officially broken the record for the number of children inside a condom.

Their historic attempt, part of Froghill's Tapir Week, took place on the school’s playing field yesterday, with the children wriggling into an Erotickle Deluxe, generously supplied by Neoprene Industries of Froghill.

The previous record, set in Vejle, Denmark, in 2007, saw 56 infants squeeze inside a condom, though not all of them survived.

“We got 55 kids in and kept them there for the stipulated five minutes,” said headteacher Arnold Plumm. “That may be one less than the Danes, but three of theirs suffocated, so that puts us two ahead.

“The trick is to have only Year 1 pupils in the teat end, as they’re smaller,” he added. “Not only can you get more in that way, but get the arrangement right and you’ve still got room for them to breathe.”

Video footage and other supporting evidence has been submitted to Guinness World Records for verification. The verdict should be returned in June.

In the meantime, the children made £250.63 in sponsorship, all of which will be donated to Save the Tapirs.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

EXPLOSION SHEDS LIGHT ON GHOST COW

Emergency services were called to Fanshawe House near Wythering, following an explosion and fire at around 4pm yesterday afternoon.

The blaze consumed much of the east wing and was only brought under control some two hours later. The owner of the house, 96-year-old Emily Fanshawe, widow of industrialist Simon, was found lying dazed on the back lawn. She was treated at the scene for shock, minor burns and splattering.

Interviewed in Froghill General, where she is being kept under observation, Ms. Fanshawe said: “It was the rats, you see.”

She continued: “I’ve been having terrible trouble with rats – they gnaw through the wires and interfere with the television reception. I’ve totally lost the plot of EastEnders.

“I didn’t want to use traps or anything inhumane, so I decided to dress up as the Pied Piper and lure them away. I made myself a tunic and a big, floppy hat and I dug out an old recorder from when Suzanne was at Bedales.

“I tried to pipe them across the Wythering Road and into the fields, but nothing happened. Absolutely nothing at all.”

A rodent carcass subsequently discovered in the house and examined at the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART), showed the animal to be a Patagonian Deaf Rat, a rare species born entirely without ears.

“After that failed, my next idea was to have my Bichon scare them away,” said Ms. Fanshawe. “Felicity’s only small, so I thought she needed to look a bit more imposing. Luckily, I found an old helium cylinder that Simon kept for blowing up balloons at the Summer Ball.

“I slipped the nozzle down Felicity’s throat and inflated her till she was about seven or eight times her usual size. I tied her to the back fence for safekeeping but she kept breaking loose and floating away. I’m terribly sorry for any bother she caused.”

After episodes involving a car crash, a strangled dachshund and a shattered window, Ms. Fanshaw realised that the oversize Felicity was no more successful than the Pied Piper.

“After the window incident, she was terribly upset and kept barking in that squeaky helium voice. So I got a tyre lever from the garage and pushed it down her throat to release all the gas, but I must have slipped or something because suddenly there was this almighty bang.

“The next thing I knew, I was lying flat out on the lawn, covered in offal and looking into the eyes of a fireman who was bending over me.

“He certainly was a well-built young fellow…..he picked me up with ease,” she added dreamily.

As in The Hound of the Baskervilles, recent events have proved to be stranger than they were spooky. Be that as it may, readers of the Observer can now sleep peacefully in their beds, safe in the knowledge that the ‘Ghost Cow’ will no longer haunt their dreams, their streets or their gardens.

Ms. Fanshawe will be discharged from hospital on Friday.

Monday, March 18, 2019

HAVE A LOOK, HAVE A BALL, SAVE A TAPIR

It’s Tapir Week in the Observer! In conjunction with Save the Tapirs, we proudly present a round-up of fun-filled, tapir-tastic events going on in the Froghill area this week.

On Tuesday, there will be tapir hunt for the little ones in and around Froghill library. Can you follow the clues and discover where Terry the Tapir keeps his berries? Parents please note that this event is not suitable for children who are easily frightened.

On Wednesday, local celebrity Barrie Nesbit, presenter of popular TV show Mr. Wobbly’s World, will host Tapir Turn On with a real, live tapir. Just turn up to the Meadows Shopping Centre between 10am and 6pm and have a go at imitating the tapir's distinctive mating call. Who knows, you might just hit the right note and get the chance to get it on!

On Thursday, Cheetingham Primary will stage a sponsored attempt on the world record for the number of children who can fit inside a single condom.

Friday sees a fancy dress ball at the Assembly Rooms, 8 till late. Dance the night away to music from Ray Simpleton and His Orchestra. Come dressed as a tapir and qualify for the raffle. First prize is a luxury weekend for two in the tapir enclosure at London Zoo.

Last, but by no means least, art student Laetitia Stapleton will be spending the whole week in a specially constructed tapivarium in Montague Square. Laetitia will be dressed throughout in a bikini made entirely of tapir hide. While ‘in captivity’, she will delight spectators with her antics as she forages for leaves, splashes in the pool and uses her nose as a snorkel.

Tickets for Saturday’s fancy dress ball are available online, priced £950, which includes a £10 donation to Save the Tapirs. Log on to www.savethetapirs.org/balls and follow the links.

Tapir costumes and accessories can be hired from Cloke and Digger Theatrical Costumiers, in St. Alfege Street.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: PORTRAITS FROM POCKET TISSUES

Roy Glaister, from Traubert’s Heath, began producing likenesses of celebrities from used pocket tissues around 10 years ago. In that time, he has ‘done’ subjects as diverse as Bruce Willis and Vin Diesel.
Each of his works requires around 1,000 tissues and can take anything up to 40 minutes to produce, with Roy utilising a combination of tissues, sticky tape and coloured pencils to create his uncannily lifelike renditions.
“Used tissues are easy to come by and easy to work with,” said the 44-year-old artist from his studio. “I save up my own and ask friends and neighbours to save theirs, too.
“I’m always crawling around, hunting for tissues under the seats when I’m on the bus. The other passengers must think I’m bonkers!”
To celebrate a decade of his work, Roy has decided to take on a much bigger project, which will see him create a full-size model of Lady Gaga from an old Morris Minor and a jar of mustard.
“The car has been in the garage for ages, just mouldering away, so I thought why not put it to good use?” said Roy.
“The similarity between car and singer is obvious – what with the arrangement of the headlights and everything – so it’s just a question of a nip and a tuck. And the mustard, of course.”
Froghill District Council has already agreed to display the completed artwork, which should be finished by Tuesday, in the Meadows Shopping Centre.

Friday, March 15, 2019

GHOST COW SMASHES WINDOW, RUINS TV NEWS

It was as unexpected as it was shocking. One minute, Brian and Celia Oakflore were settling down to watch TV, the next, their sitting room carpet was showered with glass.
“The BBC news was just starting,” said Brian, “and Celia was pouring a very acceptable little Cabernet Sauvignon. It really is surprising what you can find in Lidl these days. If you’d told me six months ago I’d be shopping in a place like that, I would have laughed in your face.
“Anyway,” he continued, “we’d just sat down to watch when there was a sound of shattering glass and a huge leg went floating past the French windows.”
The shaken pair rushed outside and were just in time to see a white, vaguely animal shape drifting away over the trees at the end of their garden.
As reported by previous witnesses, the apparition seemed to be making some sort of high-pitched crying sound.
“Imagine the noise you would hear if you rubbed two mice together quite vigorously for about a minute,” said Celia, waving her hands back and forth to illustrate.
“Or maybe hamsters,” she added.
This is the third reported sighting of the ‘Ghost Cow’ in under a month and Froghill police are still no closer to uncovering what lies behind these uncanny occurrences.
The Observer asks: isn’t it about time something more was done?
Are you dissatisfied with the police response to recent events? Then why not share your complaints with our readers? Email your stories to www.froghillobserver.co.uk/not-much-cop or call our Whineline on 0372 55055. Calls cost £372 per minute, standard rate.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

OBITUARY

LAMPLIGHTER, Alfred, of Stanhope Gardens, Cheetingham. Passed away, aged 110, on the morning of his birthday, Sunday March 10th.  Froghill and District Chumping champion, 1928-31 and 1936. He always said he would die laughing and he did. All funeral enquiries to: Buried Treasures Funeral Directors, Froghill. Tel: 0372 52481.

Monday, March 11, 2019

A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH BIRTHDAY BOY ALF

Born into an era before television, lactose intolerance or the explicit mention of oral sex in mouthwash ads, Cheetingham resident Alf Lamplighter is 110 years young today. 

By way of celebrating the event, the Observer paid the two-time great-grandfather a visit in his home, to find out just how he would be spending the day.

“You don’t need nothing special when you get to my age,” said Alf, surrounded by cards from well-wishers. “My neighbour got me some weed from London, so I’ll probably have a bit of a smoke later on this afternoon.”

Asked how things had changed during his lifetime, he replied: “Well, it’s all different, of course. We didn’t have none of this internet grooming when I was a lad. We just made do with a dab of hair oil and a comb.”

Asked if there was anything he missed about his youth, Alf looked off into the distance for a moment. “Well, I do miss some of the old country pastimes,” he mused, “things like Otter Piercing, Sphincter Gargling and Nine Men’s Nob.

“My own favourite was always Chumping. I was bloody good at it, too: won many a competition in my day.”

Chumping, a staple of pub culture from Tudor times, is thought to have finally died out sometime in the 1930s. The sport involved pairs of blindfolded opponents taking it in turns to hit each other over the head with a pork pie.

To qualify, pies had be certified as locally baked and of a regulation size and weight. Scoring a ‘chump’, required a player to render his opponent unconscious without breaking either the pie’s crust or the man’s skull. To crack or rupture the pastry – or kill a contestant  was to be instantly disqualified. And the price of disqualification was the price of a pint for every single person in the pub  including the children.

“Some of the lads used to ask the local butcher, old George Malpractiss, to mix horse glue into the pastry, make the pie stronger,” recalled Alf, with a grin.

“But I never did that  I used to get him to bake a horseshoe into mine. You know, I never lost a match!”

Chuckling at the memory, Alf wheezed, coughed several times and then fell back into his chair. Understanding the interview to be over, the Observer quietly replaced his false teeth and closed his mouth, before leaving Cheetingham’s undisputed Chumping champion to enjoy his birthday in peace.

Friday, March 8, 2019

GHOST COW CAPTURES SAUSAGE DOG

The ‘Ghost Cow’ responsible for a car accident in the small hours of February 26 has been sighted again.

On this occasion, it appeared to Marjorie Layne, a self-employed Stilton tattooist of Porkbutchers Rise, Wythering, who was walking her dachshund Benno at around 8pm yesterday.

“We were just turning for home when we heard this strange noise,” a shaken Ms. Layne told the Observer. “It was really high-pitched and repetitive, like when you squeeze a guinea pig over and over again, just to the point where its eyes begin to pop out.”

It was then that the apparition floated into view, some 20 feet above the ground and moving in a westerly direction.

“It was like a cow, only bigger,” said Ms. Layne, “it was white and had pom poms on its head and tail. It was trailing some kind of rope or something, which reached down to the ground.”

As the phantom floated across her field of vision, the rope became snagged in Benno’s collar, pulling him from his owner’s grasp and dragging the unfortunate animal off across the road.

“I screamed and ran after him but it was all happening so fast. Poor Benno was dangling off the ground, kicking his legs in the air. I can still hear him yelping in terror. He looked so scared,” recalled Ms. Layne, blowing her nose into a handkerchief.

As the phantom and its writhing captive drifted off across the fields, Benno’s lead became snagged by the branches of a tree. After stretching to its limit, the lead snapped and the dog fell to the ground, convulsing and gasping for breath.

Thanks to the prompt action of a passer-by, emergency services were on the scene in a matter of minutes. Benno was taken to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART), where he is recovering from his ordeal.

“Due to the considerable stress exerted upon his spine, it’s crucial that he remains immobile,” said Chief Veterinary Surgeon, Dr. Mortimer Pluck. “We’re keeping him sedated in a length of drainpipe, just to be on the safe side. Once we’ve taken him off medication, he’ll be treated by a specialist in balloon sculpture.

“Apart from the fact that he’ll ten feet long for the rest of his life, Benno should be fine. We hope to have him home by the end of the month.”

Have you had a supernatural experience? Then why not share it with our readers? Email your stories to www.froghillobserver.co.uk/bad-mushrooms or call our Spookline on 0372 55055. Calls cost £372 per minute, standard rate.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

I read your article The Force Will Be With You, Says Hardman (Observer, Feb. 28) with increasing unease. While I’m all in favour of the harshest measures for the thieves who stole Wythering Pond or the pranksters who put Viagra in the water supply last Christmas, I really feel I must protest at the Detective Inspector’s proposals.

While the police have every right to feel safe when on duty, does DI Hardman have any idea of the destructive capability of laser-guided ballistic missiles? Even the shortest-range missile has a blast radius of several hundred metres. Firing one at a fleeing villain in the town centre would effectively vaporise the town centre along with the villain.

For my money, the best way to immobilise a miscreant is to bring him down with a bolas. These are cheap to procure and easy to master – it’s simply a matter of spinning your balls correctly. Additionally, a bolas is highly accurate over short distances.

Once restrained, he (or she, as is increasingly the case in these benighted times) should be taken to the Mungo Park Road Recycling Centre. After being stripped of his nether garments, he should have his fundament firmly attached to the inlet valve of the municipal methane gas generator. There he (or she, etc.) should stay for a period commensurate with the severity of his (or her, etc.) offence, exposed to the elements - no pun intended - and fed exclusively on laxative chocolate. That way, criminals would simultaneously perform a service to community and suffer for their wrongdoing.

Such measures would, I am sure, enable our police to quickly ‘get to the bottom’ of the current crime wave, as well as providing Froghill with a valuable supply of cheap, renewable energy.

Yours faithfully,

Sir Hugh Fyffes-Banana,

Buckshot Grange,

Swansdike.