tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28003762565918916122024-03-05T09:58:24.911-08:00THE FROGHILL OBSERVER Fake News for Real PeopleHugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.comBlogger125125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-69138987386410898102019-10-17T05:36:00.003-07:002019-10-17T05:53:06.004-07:00NEW DEVICE LETS PATIENTS SURF THE WAVES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">A cutting-edge treatment for those suffering from Hamilton’s Peristalsis
is set to undergo clinical trials at Froghill General next week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">If successful, the treatment will mask the symptoms of a debilitating
condition which affects up to one in five people in this country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Dr. Ann L. Svincter, consultant gastrosurgeon
at the hospital’s Semi-Colon Unit, described the new treatment as
ground-breaking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“The new treatment is ground-breaking,” she said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Hamilton’s Peristalsis, a</span>
condition in which the wave-like motions of the intestinal muscles during
digestion are massively exaggerated, causes discomfort and embarrassment to the
sufferer. It can strike suddenly and without warning, causing its victim to
jerk convulsively and uncontrollably from the waist down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The cause of the condition is yet to be understood and there is no
known cure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“While we must accept that we cannot cure HP, we can at least offer a
palliative to those afflicted with it,” Dr. Svincter told the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“To this end, we are trialling a device, the PeriTune 500, which aims
to tackle the social stigma created by this unfortunate condition.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">It consists of a microscopic USB which has been pre-recorded
with a medley of conga tunes. This is connected to a number of motion sensors
and a small high-fidelity speaker. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The whole thing is no bigger than a pound coin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The device is implanted into the patient’s digestive tract during a routine
surgical procedure. Once fitted, the PeriTune 500 should cause no more than
moderate discomfort.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When its motion sensors detect a peristaltic wave reading of 3 or
higher on the Richter Scale, the device is automatically triggered. The patient
then effectively ‘broadcasts’ conga music over a 50-yard radius. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Anyone watching will naturally assume that the sufferer’s pelvic jerking
is a spontaneous reaction to the infectious dance rhythms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Asked whether a burst of loud music might not draw even more attention
to someone in the throes of an HP episode, Dr. Svincter paused for a moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“You know, you might have a point there,” she admitted. </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“However, any humiliation caused must be set against the fact that
it would be bloody funny to watch.”</span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Clinical trials are scheduled to last three months.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-74254815006856163892019-10-15T02:28:00.003-07:002019-10-15T02:47:01.356-07:00LETTERS TO THE EDITOR<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; text-align: justify;">Sir,</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">I am newly resident in Froghill and am appalled by the number of
abandoned shopping trolleys I see littering our streets. The other day, I
counted no less than 76 trolleys on the brief walk between my home and The
Meadows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">It’s bad
enough that these trolleys are unsightly to look at. Far worse is the fact that
they are physically abusive. On the day that I was counting, one actually
had the temerity to follow me down the street and butt me from behind. I still
have a bruise on my right buttock as a result.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">It’s as if
these trolleys know they can act with impunity. They hang around in groups, noisily
clattering their folding infant seats, creating an obstruction and intimidating
passers-by. They cross the road anywhere they choose, launching themselves off the
pavement and causing traffic to take evasive action. How long before there’s an
accident? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">I complained
directly to the supermarket in The Meadows but was told: “The trolleys escape
during the night, the best we can do is try to round them up during daylight
hours.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Why, I feel compelled to ask, are the police doing nothing about this menace to our society?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">I believe a permanent
solution needs to be found and found quickly, before spring brings the rutting
season and the males become even more aggressive than they currently are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Yours
indignantly,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Nellie
Maynard (Mrs)</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-78973792148158179822019-10-13T00:40:00.000-07:002019-10-13T00:48:03.439-07:00MISPRINT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition
of the <i>Observer</i>. In a sports news
item entitled <i>Froghill Footballers To
Tackle Burning Oil Rig</i>, we referred to Kieran Duffle, centre forward for Cheetingham
Athletic, as “firing off a spectacular shit which ricocheted off the crossbar
and hit the keeper on the back of the neck”. That should, of course, have read
“a spectacular shot”. We apologise to Kieran and the team for any offence
caused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br /></div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-34761014038507678202019-10-10T05:27:00.003-07:002020-02-16T03:24:42.857-08:00OBITUARY<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;">A</span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;">Swansdike man who was awarded
the OBE for his services to stupidity has passed away at the age of 88.</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">Born in Hackney,
East London, Ernie Skittles moved to Swansdike with his family at the age of
nine. Always a keen adventurer, <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">h</span>e set
up the<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Swansdike Cycling, Rambling and
Other Travel Experiences association, more popularly known as the SCROTE Club,
in 1964. As its founder and chairman, Ernie personally devised and led activities
as varied as cycling the Manchester Ship Canal underwater, scaling
Ben Nevis dressed as a piece of cheese and travelling </span></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">the length of</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">the M4 blindfold on
rollerblades.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">Ernie succumbed yesterday afternoon, after a protracted battle with Dutch Elm Disease.
He is survived by his wife Maureen and sons Genghis and Brendan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="center" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">All funeral enquiries to: Buried Treasures Funeral
Directors, Froghill. Tel: 0372 52481.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-65371376155810545452019-10-07T04:13:00.002-07:002019-10-08T01:01:31.168-07:00BOUNCING BABIES BUT NO BOUNCING CHEQUES!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 18.0pt; mso-outline-level: 4; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.05pt; line-height: 115%;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i>, in association with Sow &
Gate baby foods, is offering one lucky family the chance to win </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">big
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">in our annual </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.05pt; line-height: 115%;">Bouncing Babies competition.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.05pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.05pt; line-height: 115%;">The fun
takes place next weekend on Froghill Common, with the winner receiving a cheque
for </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">£<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">1,000 plus
a year’s supply of </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.05pt; line-height: 115%;">Sow & Gate products</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">. Two runners-up will enjoy an all-expenses-paid </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">weekend </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">at an abattoir of their choice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">The competition is open to all babies under one year old.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">To enter, simply bring your baby to the competition site next Saturday, October 12th, between 9am and </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.0666667px;">5pm. Register and weigh your baby, ascend the specially built 60-foot platform and then drop him or her down onto the trampoline below.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">Each
entrant will be judged on the best of three drops and the baby landing furthest
from the trampoline will be declared the winner. That’s all there is to it!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.0666667px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">In
addition to the main event, you’ll find baby-themed activities galore. Why not
give your little one their first taste of vindaloo at Baby Spice? Or treat them to the
human cannonball experience by firing them from the Baby Boomer?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.0666667px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">It’s
not all about the infants, either. Teenagers will be able to enjoy a supervised all-night
sleepover in the Michael Jackson tent and there will be free family planning
advice available at Maybe Baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.0666667px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.05pt; line-height: 115%;">So come
on down to the Common next Saturday - and may the bounciest baby win!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">CONDITIONS OF ENTRY </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">The Bouncing Babies competition is open
to all Froghill district residents, excluding employees, families and relatives
of the </span><i style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;">Observer </i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">and Sow & Gate
Ltd.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Entrants must be aged one year or under
at the time of entry. Proof of eligibility must be provided upon request. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Babies must be naked when dropped to
ensure that no weight tampering has taken place. No bodily attachments will be
permitted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i>
will not be responsible for any deaths, injuries, breakages, traumas, stress
disorders, medical expenses, collateral damage or cleaning bills.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">By entering the competition you are
deemed to accept and be bound by these terms and conditions.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-9963399624375152862019-10-04T04:28:00.002-07:002019-10-04T05:27:42.423-07:00ADVERTISEMENT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 18.75pt; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">IF YOU ARE HAPPY BEING POOR, DO NOT READ
THIS!</span><br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Are you sick of just about making it from pay day to pay day? Do you worry about
being able to pay your bills? Are you constantly in the red? Does the idea of Christmas and birthdays reduce you to
panic?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Two years ago, I was just like you – a useless nobody: spotty, ugly,
lonely and broke. I had no wit, no charm, no friends and a bad case of halitosis. I lived in a council house with an outside kitchen and an old
Ford Capri up on blocks in the garden. I ate lard for every meal and was
always behind with the rent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Even working 80 hours' overtime a week, my job as a council excrement segregator
barely made me enough to survive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now I have a 6-bedroom house, a Lear Jet, a Rolls Royce and a kidney-shaped swimming pool stocked with performing dolphins. I stay in 7-star hotels wherever I go. I can boast a magnetic
personality, flawless looks and a gleaming smile. I have a beautiful Brazilian wife,
good-looking friends and I’m on nodding terms with Liam Gallagher. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now I know what you’re thinking. How on earth did I do it? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The answer is simple - I sold my soul to the devil.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now many people think doing that involves going down to the crossroads at
midnight and playing the guitar. Or reciting the words of the Lord’s Prayer backwards.
Or chalking pentagrams on the floor while wearing goat’s horns. Well, they’re
wrong and that’s why they’re still poor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Only I know the secret of making a deal with Satan - but the good news
is that I’m willing to share it with you. Once you know the right invocation,
success will come just as soon as the words have left your lips. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Fame, success, wealth, beauty, a baby’s arm holding an apple – anything you
desire can be yours for the taking.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">So ask yourself this simple question: Do I Really Want To Be Successful?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">If your answer to that question is ‘yes’ then don’t delay, send for my
Faustian Pack today. It contains everything you need to summon up the Dark One
and make him an offer he won't want to refuse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Send </span>£<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">250 to Yes! I’m
gullible!, PO Box 666, The Cayman Islands. Please allow at least 2 years for
delivery.</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-23479410903095528172019-10-02T04:19:00.002-07:002019-10-02T05:42:50.107-07:00WYTHERING WOMEN TO GO MENTAL THIS WEEKEND<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">An alternative therapies and spiritual awareness experience is to be held this
weekend in Wythering.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">On Saturday and Sunday, the Wythering Womens’ Institute will be hosting
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Unbalanced/Rebalanced</i>, an event conceived in celebration of World Mental Health Day on October 10.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">On both days, activities will include MDMA yoga, brain washing, dream
bending, mung bean alignment and non-dairy mindfulness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Across the weekend. there will also be specialist classes and workshops
for which participants should sign up in advance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">On Saturday, there will be guided workshops on cerebral rehydration,
pontius pilates, alpha wave redistribution, kinaesthetic dog walking and tantric crochet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">On Sunday, look
out for sessions on polytheistic breathing techniques, bifocal chakra orientation,
sub-dom aromatherapy, third eye astigmatism and karmic quilting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Unbalanced/Rebalanced</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">9am – 6pm,</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Saturday 5th and Sunday 6th October, Wythering Memorial Hall, High Street, Wythering.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">Tickets priced
at £130 (£129, concs and OAPs) available online at <span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="file:///C:/Users/user/Desktop/blog/www.seenemcoming.com">www.money4rope.com.</a></span> Each participant will receive a free glass of prozac cordial on arrival.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-61805622104878206112019-09-29T02:12:00.004-07:002019-10-02T05:36:42.927-07:00THE CLASSIFIEDS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">FOR SALE<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Hen’s teeth.
</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">V rare. Various lengths, some molars. Could make
into necklace or clichéd idiom about scarcity. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 18.4px;">£10 per tooth. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">G. Peck, phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0159
2993.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Can of
Worms. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Unopened. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">£</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">5 ono. Phone V. Wriggley on </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0372 59241.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Whale Blubber. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">2,500 kilos.<b> </b>White, finest quality, very
oily. Ideal for lamp fuel or annoying environmentalists. Capt. Ahab, phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0372
58859.<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Acne Cream. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Just rub it in and bingo, you’ve got
acne!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">£</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">30 per tube. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">S. Muldoon, phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0161 4122.<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Gantry Crane. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">21 feet high, 10-ton payload, lateral movement
system, rubber tyres, sunroof. MOT until Feb ’20. Unwanted birthday gift. Offers? Stan,
phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0165 8341.<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">Rubber bung. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">As new.<b> </b>Will fit aperture
of </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">¾ inch diameter. £</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">17,500 or would consider swap for late-1960s Jaguar </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;">E Type</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">convertible. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">0165 8935,
after 2 am.</span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Teapot.</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;"> Earthenware, brown. Some stains. Handle, lid and spout missing, hence
low price of </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">£</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">25</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">.
Phone 0372 54321.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Bootleg recording.</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> ‘Kim
Jong Un, Live in Las Vegas’. Songs include <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rocket
Man</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My Way</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Final Countdown</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Donald,
Where’s Your Troosers?</i> Phone 0165 8297.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">ANNOUNCEMENTS<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Lost:</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"> my virginity, somewhere in the Catchpenny Road area, last Saturday
afternoon. Anyone finding it please phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0372 57316 and<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> ask for the Mother
Superior.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">The mind boggles. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Mine does, anyway. How about yours? Why not call me and compare notes? N. Bonaparte, phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0161 4724.<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Are you methodical?</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"> Then let’s get together and let’s get organized. Sister
Mattick, phone </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0159 2759.<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Jesus, are you coming back?</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"> If so, I have your wallet. Call me. Matthew, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">0372
59417.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-81897605663399201302019-09-26T04:11:00.001-07:002019-09-27T00:40:41.158-07:00CROWN COURT FOR CLOWN, CAUGHT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">A prankster
who has been targeting innocent members of the public has been apprehended by
the police.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Over the
past month or so, his victims have been assaulted with a variety of objects, including foodstuffs,
a rubber chicken and a squirting flower. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">On two occasions,
cryptic messages were left at the scene of the crime.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Now Bamboleo the
Clown – real name Cyril Potts – has been taken into custody, following
a successful sting operation mounted by Froghill Constabulary </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">yesterday.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Acting on
a tip-off, we had one of our men pose as a window cleaner, working on a
building in Cotillard Street,” said Detective Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’
Hardman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“As the
officer bent over to rinse out his squeegee, the suspect emerged from a doorway,
bucket in hand, clearly intending to douse him with confetti. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“That’s
when we swooped. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“It
appears that the suspect was motivated by a grudge against circus owner Enzo
Zeferelli and his activities were intended to tarnish the family name.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The
Inspector went on to explain how Potts, whose career with Zeferelli’s stretches
back ten years, had formed a particularly close relationship with Leopold, one
of the circus’ elephants. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">An
elephant which Zeferelli had threatened to have neutered. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Readers
may remember Leopold as a highly excitable creature, who caused considerable
damage last winter after he brought down the Big Top during a performance (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i>, February 6).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">According
to D.I. Hardman, having befriended Leopold and gained the animal’s trust, Potts
set about ‘milking’ him for financial gain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">This practice
involved Potts tiptoeing into the elephant's cage during the night. By placing a
blanket scented with female elephant under the sleeping Leopold’s trunk, he
would cause the animal to experience ‘exciting’ dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Then, with
the aid of a car jack, a bucket of lubricating jelly, a partially inflated rubber
ring and a low-voltage electric current, Potts would skilfully induce the
elephant to reach climax.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Asked why,
D.I. Hardman responded: “He was bottling the animal’s semen and selling it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Elephant semen
is highly prized in many Asian countries, where it is considered an effective
cure for baldness, impotence, myopia, psoriasis and bow legs. Over the years, revealed
the Inspector, Potts had built up a clandestine export business worth hundreds
of thousands of pounds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“However, two
months ago, Mr. Zeferelli stumbled upon his little operation and threatened to neuter
the animal in order to put a stop to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“And that’s
what prompted Potts to take his revenge,” said the Inspector.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“The aim
was to create such hostility towards Zeferelli’s Circus that the district
council would revoke its entertainment licence, forcing the cancellation of the
planned half-term holiday visit next month.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Potts is
due to appear before Froghill Crown Court next week, charged with multiple
offences under the Gratuitous Slapstick Act of 1957.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i> says:</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">This report is symptomatic of a deplorable </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">human</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">tendency to use animals for the purposes of profit and entertainment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">By way of
example, in the interests of promoting clean energy, we increasingly see pit bull terriers force-fed
cabbage and Guinness so their accumulated flatulence can power wind turbines. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Who can honestly
claim not to have experienced a momentary pang when, passing a wind farm, they glimpse Fido, high up on a gantry and whining piteously, his rear end clamped tight as his flatus rotates the blades?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">In some countries, animal abuse is routine and widespread. Golfers in Japan use the egg-eating snake as a cover for their clubs. Muskrats, having exceptionally flexible rectal muscles, are much
prized as slip-on shoes by the </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">é</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">lite of Mexico City.</span><span style="font-family: "ms shell dlg 2" , "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">In certain
parts of Africa, scorpions are reared on a diet of quinine and used by doctors to administer malaria injections. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Here in the West, chic Parisian beauty salons press h</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">edgehogs
into service as exfoliant gloves and chameleons are given
away free with LSD tablets in the drug deals of New York City.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">It is this
paper’s stated belief that only when we have banned animal exploitation in all
its forms will we truly be able to refer to ourselves as ‘civilised’ human beings.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-4070206036940151462019-09-22T04:09:00.000-07:002019-09-22T04:24:16.369-07:00MP EXPERIENCES HEALTH SQUEEZE AT FIRST-HAND<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Traffic was
brought to a standstill yesterday following an impromptu personal appearance by Jacob
Raynboe-Trowte, MP for Froghill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Onlookers stared
open-mouthed as Mr. Raynboe-Trowte, red-faced and breathing heavily, was seen
to run pell-mell down Dinsdale Road.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">More
unusual still, the veteran MP was entirely naked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“What with
parliament being suspended, I thought this an ideal opportunity to spend time
with my constituents,” said Mr. Raynboe-Trowte from his hospital bed, “and I
was busy drumming up support with some of our dedicated workers in the health
service.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i> has learned that the workers in
question were in fact employees of a noted town-centre spa and massage establishment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“He’s my
regular, is Mr. Jacob, he always asks for me” said Lola, 26-year-old therapist
at Dinsdale Road’s Whole Lotta Rub, “he usually comes on a Saturday afternoon,
if you take my meaning.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">When put
to him that his use of the term ‘health service’ was a trifle misleading in
this context, Mr. Raynboe-Trowte smiled weakly and replied: “OK, fair cop, you’ve
got me there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“However,
I do find that a good massage helps relieve the stress and tension of a long
week in the Commons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Anyway,”
he continued, “I’d booked in with Lola last Saturday and was lying on the
massage table, waiting while she was off warming her hands. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I heard a
slithering noise near the door and then felt this firm, sensual pressure slowly
sliding up my body. I remember thinking it very erotic and that I ought to be extra
generous with the tip this week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“She applied
a little more weight and I began finding it rather difficult to breathe. Then
she wrapped one arm around my abdomen and started squeezing really very hard
indeed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“And then
something warm and dry tickled my ear.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">That
‘something’ was in fact a tongue and it belonged to Monty, the fifteen-foot Reticulated
Python, whose escape from Polly’s Pets in Station Approach was reported in
these pages a little over a week ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I looked
round and there was this bloody snake, staring straight into my face and
flicking its tongue at me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I tried
to shout for help but I couldn’t, it was squeezing me too tightly, so I reached for the
vibro-massager and bashed it on the head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“That
loosened things up a bit, so I wriggled free and got out of there, pretty damn quick,”
said Mr. Raynboe-Trowte.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">As he burst
out of the door and ran screaming down Dinsdale Road, the panic-stricken MP’s
towel dropped away, revealing an elephant’s face and ears drawn in lipstick around
his private parts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">A
passer-by, realising that this probably wasn’t a Conservative party fundraiser after
all, put down her shopping and called the police. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The
emergency services arrived within minutes and a police marksman promptly shot the
naked MP in the buttock with a powerful tranquiliser dart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">As Mr.
Raynboe-Trowte tottered and then passed out across the bonnet of a car, paramedics
were on hand to stretcher him into an ambulance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">He was taken
to the Accidental Constriction Unit at Froghill General, where he is expected
to make a full and complete recovery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Monty was tracked down and captured by a snake handler from the Wythering Animal
Research Trust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Reptiles
are cold-blooded creatures and Monty most likely chose the massage parlour
because it’s a warm environment,” said Dr. Mortimer Pluck, Chief Veterinary
Surgeon at WART.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Though
most people wouldn’t credit it, pythons are sensitive creatures and they get
stressed easily. When Monty came to us yesterday afternoon he was in a state of
considerable shock. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We are
currently holding him in an isolation tank so he can relax and ‘unwind’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“That’s a
joke, by the way,” he added, before informing us that he was a busy man and
walking briskly away.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-27083431122810107982019-09-19T09:02:00.001-07:002019-09-20T06:27:21.008-07:00LETTERS TO THE EDITOR<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sir,</span></span><br />
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="article-first-paragraph" style="background: white; line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Things have come to a pretty
pass when the people of this town cannot go about their business without being belted
with a blancmange, a trifle, a spotted dick or a rubber chicken. And that’s not to
mention a clown bursting into Sunday service and squeezing his bulb in front of
innocent women and children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">And what, I ask you, are the
police doing about it? In a word, nothing! Even the riddles – and the last one was
utterly obscene, I might add – were solved by members of the public! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I spent over 45 years in the service of Her Majesty and let me tell you, we didn’t stand for this sort of nonsense in the army.
Anyone who so much as put on a dab of make-up, let alone a wig, would have been
bundled into the bunkhouse and had up by the Privates.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">So come on, D.I. Hardman, l</span><span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;">ive up to your nickname</span><span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;">. Pull out your finger, apprehend this scoundrel and then bring down the hammer!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yours disgustedly,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Maj. Redfers Nuthatch (ret'd)</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-56667249988764630222019-09-18T01:13:00.001-07:002019-09-18T01:14:42.695-07:00STOP PRESS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The solution to
the riddle on the paper dart thrown at St. Alfege’s church last Sunday is AN
ELEPHANT. Froghill Constabulary would like to thank H. Poirot of<span style="background: white;"> Little Graysells Lane, Swansdike </span>for his invaluable
assistance.<span style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br /></div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-1198655244092804542019-09-16T03:06:00.000-07:002019-09-17T00:36:53.306-07:00A REVELATION AND A RIDDLE AT ST. ALFEGE’S<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The clown
whom police consider responsible for a series of attacks in the Froghill area has struck
yet again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The latest incident
occurred during yesterday morning’s service at St. Alfege’s church, just as the
Reverend Lionel Hassock had begun the week’s reading.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“My text was
taken from Revelation, Chapter 8,” said the Reverend Hassock, <span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;">“</span>concluding with
verse 13, which reads: ‘</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background: white;">Woe! Woe! Woe</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; float: none; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> to the inhabitants of the earth.’ </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">I was
intending to relate that particular verse to Boris Johnson’s tenure in Downing
Street.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I had got
to verse 6: ‘Then the seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared to
sound them’ and continued into verse 7, ‘The first angel sounded his
trumpet….’ when I was interrupted by several loud parping noises, which seemed to be coming from the back of the church.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Instead of
seven apocalyptic angels, each equipped with a trumpet, the faithful of St.
Alfege’s turned to find an odd-looking man</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"> brandishing a
squeeze-bulb horn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“He
was dressed in a bowler hat, wig, baggy clothes and oversize shoes and shouted
the words ‘Zeferelli is the spawn of Satan!’ three times in a loud voice,” said
the Reverend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Then
he bent down and squirted one of the congregation with water from a flower in
his lapel.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">After
launching a paper dart, which flew the entire length of the aisle and landed at
the foot of the pulpit, the intruder turned and waddled out of the church,
parping his horn as he went.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Quickly
pocketing the projectile, the Reverend Hassock composed himself and continued with
the service as best he could. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Unfolding the dart in the vestry after the end of service, the Reverend found himself
staring mystified at the following:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">WHAT’S GREY
AND COMES IN PINTS?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Were you among
the congregation at St. Alfege’s yesterday morning? Do you know the answer to this latest riddle? If so, contact Froghill Police on 0372 51111. <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Calls will almost certainly be recorded, as </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;">someone from IT has finally fixed </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;">the answering
machine.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-9693282370629197962019-09-13T05:55:00.002-07:002019-09-13T06:17:09.827-07:00MONTY SLIPS OUT AFTER DENNIS DROPS IN<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">As the owner
of Froghill’s most popular pet shop, Polly Parrotte is used to people coming
through her door unexpectedly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Yet even the
normally phlegmatic Polly was surprised at the visitor she received yesterday
morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I was just
heating up the soldering iron to neuter one of the guinea pigs when there was
this almighty bang,” said Ms. Parrotte, “and I looked up just in time to see a
fireman bounce through the door and off the end wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Luckily
nothing in the shop got broken and his protective gear prevented him from being
hurt.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The fireman
was Dennis Rapier, who had been continuously ‘on the bounce’ since a failed training
exercise at the Montague Road fire station the previous afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I called
the station and his manager came to pick him up,” said the 38-year-old, “by
which time, the poor man was sound asleep, he was so tired. We lifted him into
the car and he didn’t even flutter an eyelid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I must say,
I couldn’t help noticing that he had very highly developed thigh muscles,” she
added.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Ms. Parrotte
continued with her day and no more unusual events occurred. Until, that is, she
came to close up at around 6pm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I was just
putting the night covers over the cages,” she said, “when I noticed that one of
the reptile tanks had been overturned. And worse, it was empty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I looked
high and low but there was no sign of Monty anywhere.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">‘Monty’ is a
fifteen-foot Reticulated Python, silver in colour with yellow and black zig-zag
markings the length of his body. While non-venomous, Reticulated Pythons have
been known constrict and consume cats, dogs, pigs and, on rare occasions,
humans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Should you come
across Monty, do not approach him. If at close quarters, divert him with a family
pet or small child and then move quickly to a place of safety.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Polly’s
Pets, Station Approach, Froghill. Phone: 0372 52816.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-49791465266327310142019-09-11T05:48:00.001-07:002019-09-11T06:36:45.688-07:00FROGHILL FIREMEN SPRING INTO ACTION<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Montague Road fire station's</span> new efficiency
drive looks set to be scrapped after a trial run ended in chaos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Aiming to
reduce response times, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Station Manager Len
Scramble</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"> decided to abandon the practice of having crew
members slide down a pole from the recreation room to the garage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Instead, he issued each of his firefighters with a pair of powerful, spring-loaded boots.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“They’re
basically the same boots as before,” said</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"> Len</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">, “only with </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">beryllium
copper</span><span style="color: #101010;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">compression springs
nailed to the soles. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I got them cheap from a friend of mine who’s in the business.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">In an
emergency, the plan was for crew members to jump through the hole in the rec
room floor and then</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"> use the recoil from the boot
springs to bounce into their allotted places on the fire engine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I
was hoping this would have the men ready to move out much faster than
before,” said the 55-year-old Len.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">However, trials carried out yesterday resulted in </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">a crew of four ending up everywhere
except where they should have been</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">First
through the hole,<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Crew Manager Gary
Blake’s 18-stone weight saw his springs pushed to maximum compression. Instead of
slotting him neatly behind the wheel, the rebound saw him clear the
fire engine entirely and knock himself unconscious on the opposite wall.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Close
behind came second-in-command </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Dennis Rapier, who bounced through an open
skylight and onto the street outside. He was last seen describing large arcs
down Montague Road, holding his crotch and shouting incoherently as he cleared several street lights.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Next to jump,
crew member Colin Snoad was catapulted vertically back in the direction he’d just
come, forcibly colliding with colleague Keith Slocum, who had just begun his descent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Both men were rushed by ambulance to Froghill General. They were admitted to the Critical Entanglement Unit, where their condition is described as
‘uncomfortable’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Asked by
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i> whether he would be pursuing
the new boots initiative any further, the beleaguered Len told us: “I really can’t say
right now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">“</span>At this moment, our sole priority lies in trying to locate Dennis.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Then he
smiled ruefully and added: “but, on the whole, I think you might say that I'm not exactly full of the joys of spring.”</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-66772865853432083102019-09-08T00:51:00.001-07:002019-09-16T03:29:39.083-07:00STOP PRESS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The solution to
the riddle left at the scene of last Friday’s rubber chicken attack is
ZEFERELLI. Froghill Constabulary would like to thank Bob Plant of Squinting
Lane, Swansdike and Margaret May of Helvetica Close, Cheetingham for their
invaluable assistance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br /></div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-32581470270848170742019-09-06T04:10:00.005-07:002019-09-06T04:44:26.712-07:00DAYLIGHT RUBBERY – BUT WILL THERE BE POETIC JUSTICE?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Police
are stepping up their investigation into a spate of attacks in the Froghill
area after an incident in Traubert’s Heath yesterday afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Minnie
Cooper, proprietor of Minnie’s Mini Mart in St. Herbert’s Road, was stocktaking
behind the counter at around 5.30pm when the incident occurred.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“I
heard a noise behind me,” said Ms. Cooper, “so I turned round, thinking it was
a customer waiting to be served. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“Looking
straight at me was a clown. I barely had time to register the fact before he
raised his hat, smiled and then hit me on the head with a rubber chicken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“Then
he ran out the door laughing.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The 37-year-old shop owner was shocked but
otherwise uninjured in the attack.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Police
say they are looking for a man of around five feet six in height, dressed in a
bowler hat, orange wig, white pancake make-up, ill-fitting clothes, size 23
shoes</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">and</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> carrying a candy-striped cane</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“We
are treating this incident as significant,” said D.I. Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman,
“and we are now convinced that it forms part of a related series of assaults.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“The
use of the rubber chicken represents an alarming change in tactics and means that it’s no
longer just desserts,” he said, “though of course we hope that’s what the
perpetrator will get.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“His
just desserts, I mean,” the Inspector added, somewhat awkwardly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">Discovered
at the crime scene was a crumpled piece of paper, on which was written the
following message, reproduced here with police permission:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">“It was me all along, Mr. Hardman,
with the pie and the trifle and the dick. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">And if you want to know what made
me do it, you’ll unscramble this riddle right quick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My first is in gaze but never in
look,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My second in Bible but nowhere in
book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My third, if you try, can be
found inside ‘found’,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My fourth is in earth but never
in ground.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My fifth is in ribs and in revel
and rent,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My sixth in the time of year we
call Lent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My seventh you’ll find if you look
into hell,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">And my next one is hiding in
there as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">My last is in window, willow and
wait,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif";">The whole spells the name of the
people I hate.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Anyone with any
ideas should contact Froghill Police on 0372 51111, as they have absolutely none
of their own. <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Calls may be recorded and
might even be taken seriously for once.</span></span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-90119612942011141322019-09-04T03:41:00.002-07:002019-09-05T00:42:11.594-07:00DIGGING THE BEAT IN WYTHERING <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; margin: 0cm 0cm 17.25pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Roadworks in
Wythering High Street are to remain in place for longer than expected after workmen
stumbled across a big band playing under the tarmac.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">A section of the High Street, between the Use Your
Loaf bakery and <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-language: JA;">chic
bistro Le Pétomane, </span>has been closed for the last ten days due to a
fractured water main.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The work was due
to have been completed this Friday, September 6, according to Froghill District
Council.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">However, the
discovery of a subterranean ballroom containing an orchestra in full evening
dress has brought proceedings to a halt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Me and the
lads thought we could hear music above the noise of the pneumatic drill,” said FDC
maintenance operative Bob D. Bilder, “and it seemed to get louder the deeper we
went.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Then
suddenly, the drill went through into nothing and we could hear the words of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Button Up Your Overcoat</i>, coming up clear
as anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“So we opened
up a space and there they all were. I don’t know who was more surprised, them
or us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Unfortunately,
as the drill went in, one or two of the musicians got knocked unconscious
by lumps of falling earth and stuff.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When questioned,
bandleader Johnnie Lyttleton told the astonished workmen that they’d been down
there since 1938. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“He asked if Hitler
was still Chancellor of Germany and what Chamberlain was going to do about him,”
said Mr. Bilder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i> has subsequently learned that
this is not the first time that live musicians have turned up beneath the nation’s
roads.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">According to Caroline
Treesmold, spokesperson for the Wythering Amateur Geological Society (WAGS), such
discoveries are far from uncommon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“In 2015, a
barbershop quartet was dug up from under the A6 outside Leicester,” she told us.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“The following
year, a Mariachi band was uncovered after local residents reported hearing music coming from under the B 284 in Epsom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Last March,
the Lothian and District Light Opera Company were discovered performing
selections from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">HMS Pinafore</i> beneath
the Tollcross Junction in Edinburgh and, in June, a man with a moustache was found playing a saw during resurfacing work on the M6.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Perhaps the most
comic find to date was a new wave trio, who were interrupted while rehearsing in
a drain beneath the A 320 in Woking, back in 1976,” added Ms. Treesmold.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When asked by
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer </i>why this was particularly
amusing, she replied: “Because they were playing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Going Underground </i>at the time!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 17.25pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">She then burst
into uncontrollable laughter and had to be helped to the toilet by one of our
staff.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-28151109349602411352019-09-01T00:41:00.001-07:002019-09-01T00:52:44.084-07:00MISPRINT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition
of the <i>Observer</i>. In a news item
entitled <i>Schoolboy Ear Wax Candle Bonus</i>,
we described Ronald Frobisher, of Holly Lane, Froghill, as having "a face like a sockful of spanners”. That should, of course, have read “a sackful of
spanners”. We apologise to Mr. Frobisher and his family for any offence caused.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-74844644113037481282019-08-29T00:46:00.002-07:002019-08-29T00:47:21.723-07:00MAN PIE-EYED IN TOILET<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times new roman", serif; text-align: justify;">Froghill Constabulary is appealing
for information following an unprovoked assault in a public toilet. The incident
took place yesterday afternoon in the Everdene Road conveniences.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We’re appealing for anyone who was
in the vicinity to get in contact with the police,” said D.I. Alan ‘The Hammer’
Hardman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The victim, who cannot be named for fear
of workplace derision, entered the conveniences at around 5.30pm and locked
himself into one of the cubicles. As he was sitting down, a candy-striped cane
appeared from over the top of the dividing wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The handle encircled the victim’s
neck and yanked him up onto his feet. A white-gloved hand then pushed a custard
pie into his face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Though reportedly complaining of a
pain in the neck, the man was otherwise uninjured in the attack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Police are not ruling out a
connection between this and the four dessert-related incidents earlier this
month.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We are treating the incidents as
potentially related,” said D.I. Hardman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Whoever is doing this and for
whatever reason, I’m determined to get to the bottom of it – I will not
tolerate jerking and mess in Froghill’s public toilets. Not unless I’m
watching.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">As the significance of his words
dawned upon him, the Inspector coughed and added: “I meant, not on my watch.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">He then informed us that the
interview was over, turned on his heel and walked away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br /></div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-7063048364848711712019-08-26T01:06:00.001-07:002019-08-29T00:57:38.687-07:00SHAMPOO WOMAN IN HEAD EXPANSION SHOCK<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">A woman is
in hospital today after a mishap which caused her head to swell to over fifteen
times its usual size.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Megan
Merkel, of </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Kidneystone Lane, was in the shower when
the unfortunate event took place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I’d bought
some Schmaltzkopf ‘Maxilox’ volumising shampoo,” said Ms. Merkel, speaking with
difficulty from her hospital bed, “and I was using it for the first time. I decided
to wash my face with it as well as my hair, to save time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">To Ms.
Merkel’s distress, within a few minutes of rinsing off the lather, her head began
to swell alarmingly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“It seems
that this particular brand of shampoo volumises everything it comes into
contact with,” said paramedic Andy Bolton, who attended Ms. Merkel at the
scene.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We
received a panicked call from someone saying please come quickly because their
head was expanding. At first, we thought it was just a stoned Pink Floyd fan,
but the person on the other end did seem to be in genuine distress.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">By the
time the ambulance arrived, Ms. Merkel’s head was several times larger than
normal and still increasing in size.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“I’d never
seen anything like it in all my years as a paramedic,” said Mr. Bolton, “her
head was literally growing as we watched. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“If she’d
stuck her finger in her ear, she would have looked like one of those
old-fashioned petrol pumps.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Getting
her to the hospital wasn’t easy. Her head had become so big, it wouldn’t fit
into the ambulance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We had to
strap her to a gurney and then wedge that halfway in and halfway out of the vehicle.
We drove to the hospital with the back door open and her head sticking out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“Unfortunately,
we had no way to secure the door and it kept bashing her on the top of her skull.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">After 15
minutes of repeated banging, which resulted in a painfully growing lump on top
of an already swelling head, the ambulance arrived at Froghill General, where
Ms. Merkel was rushed into the Cranial Inflation Unit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“It was
touch and go there for a while,” said chief surgeon </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Dr.
Nathan Toploder, “before we could operate, we had to blow a hole in the wall
with Semtex so she could fit into theatre.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We performed
a Parietal Puncture, which involves perforating the head at several key points
with a hammer and a six-inch nail. We then inserted drinking straws into the apertures
to allow the extra volume to escape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“She’ll
spend the next few days looking like the O2 Arena but, on the plus side, the
straws are the bendy type, so she can arrange the tips to suit her mood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“We’re
confident that Ms. Merkel will make a full and complete recovery,” he added,
before turning so that his heels squeaked on the lino.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Have you had an amusing or unusual experience with expanding body parts? Then why not share your story with our readers? Email
your risible attempts at prose composition to </span><a href="http://www.froghillobserver.co.uk/minesbiggerthanyours"><span style="background: white; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">www.froghillobserver.co.uk/minesbiggerthanyours</span></a><span class="MsoHyperlink"><span style="background: white; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span style="background: white; font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">or call our Joseph Merrickline on 0372 55055. Calls
cost £372 per minute, standard rate.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-63158797421799708722019-08-24T05:08:00.000-07:002019-08-29T01:01:53.180-07:00DOGGED BY MISFORTUNE AS PILOT GOES BARKING MAD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Leafy local
favourite Henry’s hopes of a glittering TV career were dashed last night as his
chat show pilot ended in chaos and humiliation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Readers
may recall that Henry, an educated and articulate English Lavender, was the
unlikely winner of a Froghill pub quiz last May. Wythering resident and TV celebrity
Barrie Nesbit then took a personal interest (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>June 3rd) and successfully
negotiated a try-out for Henry on BBC TV.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Chatting Around The Bush</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">, which aired on BBC1 at 11pm yesterday, should have secured Henry a role
as the world’s only herbaceous host. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately,
in the first of many setbacks, we learned that all but one of the show’s
scheduled guests had pulled out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Actor/director Phoebe Waller-Bridge sent her apologies, citing filming
commitments, while boxer Anthony Joshua excused himself on health grounds and
Nigel Farage, who was to have performed a novelty balloon bending act, claimed
that he was unavoidably being photographed having a pint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Still game however was Melvin Sadman, aka Crazy Frog tribute act Spawn
Again. Mr. Sadman, somewhat unwisely in this reporter’s opinion, opened the
show with a performance of his 2005 smash <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Axel
F</i> before debuting his new release, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Axel
F</i>. He followed up with an instrumental version of his worldwide hit <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Axel F</i>, which he<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>rendered on a pair of spoons. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">A notably lukewarm response from the studio audience had a visibly
unsettling effect on Henry, who stumbled while introducing the first of his
last-minute guests.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Fresh from a summer season at the Benbecula Rialto, hypnotist Mickie
Mindwarp duly took his place on the couch. What followed was a dull and stilted
interview, in which a nervous Henry fluffed his lines on no less than three
occasions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">It was a genuine relief to audience and viewer alike when Mr. Mindwarp got
up to demonstrate the highlights of his act.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Putting the audience ‘under’ with a click of his fingers, he bade the
female members get down on all fours and imitate the barking of a Jack Russell
terrier. The men he commanded to stand up, drop their trousers and sing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Only Way Is Up</i> as they
simultaneously experienced involuntary erections.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Amid the cacophony of yapping and yelling, the unctuous performer then counted
down from six to zero and brought the audience ‘back into the room’, much to
the embarrassed amusement of all concerned.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Next onto the couch was our own Barrie Nesbit, there to offer Henry support
in the face of so many high-profile cancellations. The ensuing chat was smooth,
natural and entertaining, with seasoned professional Barrie smiling, cracking jokes
and putting his potted host at ease. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">By 11.20, it looked as if the tide might finally be turning in Henry’s
favour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Next up was novelty dog act Alsatian Sensations. Under the eagle eye of trainer
Jim Gold, the German Shepherds bounded into their act, playing on see-saws,
jumping through hoops, building a matchstick model of Tower Bridge and barking the
soliloquy from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hamlet</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">However, the events of the next few minutes were to ensure that the hapless Henry
is unlikely ever to grace our TV screens again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">The highlight of Alsatian Sensations’ act was a pyramid formation piece,
with the animals balanced on the shoulders of an RAF motorcycle stunt rider.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">As the pyramid described figures of eight across the stage, a shrill, high-pitched
yapping suddenly erupted from the audience. The cameras swung round to find a
woman in the back row, still on her hands and knees, barking for all she was
worth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Realising what must have happened, the quick-thinking Mindwarp jumped to
his feet and counted quickly down from six to zero. Yet to his obvious dismay,
it had no effect whatsoever and the still-hypnotised woman continued barking with
gusto.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Now distracted by the noise, several of the Alsatians began to howl, wriggling
and kicking to break free of the pyramid. Their beleaguered rider, desperately struggling
to control his machine, snagged his front wheel on a camera cable. An audible gasp
of disbelief went up as man, motorcycle and 25 dogs teetered dangerously before toppling
sideways onto the studio floor. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Most of the Alsatians hit the ground running and made a beeline for the
barking woman. Confronted with twenty or more maddened canines heading their
way, the audience panicked and scrambled for the exits. The entire
studio emptied in a matter of seconds. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">By 11.30, all that remained of the erudite shrub’s shot at the big time was
a failed hypnotist, a barking woman, an unconscious stunt rider and Barrie
Nesbit, red-faced and swearing, fighting a snarling Alsatian for possession of
his toup</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">é</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;">.</span><span style="font-family: "ms shell dlg 2" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">As the director cut the programme and the credits rolled, the camera zoomed
in hard on a forlorn and fallen Henry, branches bent and leaves awry, sobbing
quietly in a pool where one of the dogs had cocked its leg against him.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-71430383256210514272019-08-22T00:59:00.002-07:002019-08-22T08:09:44.607-07:00CLARIFICATION<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Due to an editorial oversight, a potential source of confusion occurred
in yesterday’s edition of the <i>Observer</i>.
In an opinion piece entitled <i>Fetch The
Wet Wipes, The Chosen One Is </i></span><i style="font-family: "times new roman", serif;">Coming Again</i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">, we described one D.J. Trump, as “behaving
like a petulant toddler who throws his toys out of the cot if he doesn’t get
his own way”. We wish to make it clear that we were referring to Donald James
Trump, a self-employed stoat meddler of Pound Lane, Cheetingham, and not to Donald
John Trump, 45</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.3333px;">th </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">president of the United States of America. </span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-8784112752486394172019-08-20T05:28:00.000-07:002019-08-20T05:34:46.304-07:00PROOF OF THE PUDDING BUT NO ARRESTS YET<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Froghill Constabulary are appealing for information following a series of
attacks involving popular desserts over the last few days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Police are
investigating four separate incidents, possibly related, of confectionery assault
in Froghill and Wythering.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Two of the
incidents occurred last Saturday. In the first, a man taking a photograph of Wythering
Pond on his mobile was grabbed from behind. The waistband of his trousers was pulled
forward and an entire blancmange deposited inside. Then a gloved hand rubbed even
more blancmange into his face. When the man finally managed to clear his eyes,
his assailant had vanished.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Later that day,
a woman was covered with Raspberry Pavlova in Wythering High Street. Though
unable to say for certain, she believes the projectile to have been launched
from a yellow and red car which passed her as she was walking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">On Sunday,
at around 6pm, a teenager was knocked unconscious by what turned out to be a large
Spotted Dick while out walking his dog on Froghill Common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Then yesterday
afternoon, a young woman waiting to cross the road in St. Alfege Street became
the target of another projectile dessert, this time one involving jelly, sponge, cream,
custard, soft fruit and sherry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">None of the
four victims was seriously injured, though the young man in the Spotted Dick
incident reports feeling a little stiff and yesterday’s victim complains of
impaired hearing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Contacted by
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Observer</i>, Detective Inspector Alan
‘The Hammer’ Hardman said: "At this juncture, we are unable to name the
victims as our investigations are ongoing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">"However,
it is vital we speak to anyone else who may have been in the vicinity when each
of the attacks took place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">“This is
particularly important in regard to yesterday’s attack as the woman in question is still a
trifle deaf.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: justify; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">Anyone with information
on any of the incidents should contact Froghill Police on 0372 51111. Calls may
be recorded for re-broadcast purposes.</span></div>
</div>
Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2800376256591891612.post-78997075569744131162019-08-17T04:29:00.001-07:002019-08-20T05:30:22.939-07:00 THE CLASSIFIEDS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">FOR SALE</span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">Complete Dinner Set.</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;"> Floral pattern with inset scenes of Dutch slaughterhouses. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">£25.<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> Delft Lundgren, 0163
66491.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Jumbo Jigsaw Puzzle,</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> depicting
English country cottage with thatched roof. Most pieces missing, hence low
price of £750. Nick Knax, 0372 55173.</span><span style="font-family: "ms shell dlg 2" , "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">Memory stick. </span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">Nine inches long, no bushy outgrowths. Remembers everything between the
years 1990 and 2019. A must for your next party. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">£140. Phone 0159 2821, ask for Twiggy.</span><span style="font-family: "ms shell dlg 2" , "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: -6.9pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">Brexit
helmet</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">. Hard. Protects you and your
family, come what may. Made in the UK. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">£<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">39 billion,</span> ono<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">. Deal? B. Johnson, London, SW1A 2AA.</span></span><span style="font-family: "ms shell dlg 2" , "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: -6.9pt; margin-top: 0cm; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Anaconda</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. 20ft long, answers to the name of Fluffy. Very affectionate - loves nothing better than to
curl up with you. Good with children. Free to a caring home. Call in at Rayling’s
Farm. </span><br />
<b style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Erotickle Deluxe</span></b><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"> condom. Pork chop flavour, no stress marks. Used
once only. </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 115%;">£120. <span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Prof. E. Lactik, 0372 52671.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<div dir="rtl">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Assorted Wigs</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Side-parted, mousy colour. Also Donald Duck
costume, full body coverage, includes hat and webbed feet. Some posterior
staining. E. John, Windsor, Berkshire (for directions, ask at the Carpenter’s Arms in
Market Street).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Nut, Screws, Washer and Bolts</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Would suit mechanic or tabloid journalist
covering story of lunatic having sex in a laundry and then running away. A.
Hack, 0165 8257.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Teach Yourself Amputation</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Easy to follow surgical instruction manual.
Many colour illustrations. Wipe clean cover, laminated pages. Miss N. Lim, 0372
59146, after 6pm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">50 Pence Piece</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Heptagonal. Found on bus. Offers? R.G. Bargie,
0163 7136.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Offal.</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"> 10 tons, mainly lungs, some kidneys. Unwanted birthday gift. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; line-height: 115%;">£600<span style="letter-spacing: -.3pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> or would consider
exchange for holiday villa in Rimini. 0161 4082, ask for Macaroni Jim.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Toothbrush</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Pink, angled head, medium hard bristle. Made in 2011. One careful
owner. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">£1.50. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; letter-spacing: -0.3pt;">Ruth D. Kaye, 0372 51471.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Little Rocket Man Glove Puppet</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Grey uniform, silly haircut, chubby cheeks. Face
lights up as you insert your hand. D. Trump, Box 1, USA.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">SERVICES<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Uncle Henry</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. Children’s entertainer. Balloon sculpture, rotating balls, hands-free levitation
trick – televised. 0161 4321.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">Wash and Brush Up</span></b><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , "serif"; letter-spacing: -0.3pt; line-height: 115%;">. How far up? You decide! Complete service includes
soap, towels, brush, baby oil, clamps and safeword. Arsène Dopen 0372 57520.</span></div>
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Hugo Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16426182712425177345noreply@blogger.com0