ARK IS FAKE SAYS FISH

In the homes, workplaces, pubs and restaurants of Froghill, there can have been few other topics of conversation this week. The discovery of a golden casket in a Chestnut Rise loft, as reported by the Observer ten days ago, has set the town abuzz with excitement. Can it really be the Ark of the Covenant, the fabled golden repository of the Ten Commandments?

The short answer is ‘No’, according to Froghill Institute for Social History researcher, Dr. Crispin Mortlake.

“Our suspicions were aroused when we examined the underside of the casket,” said Dr. Mortlake, “as the words ‘Karrisafe Crates and Pallets’ could be seen, clearly stencilled on the wood. So next, we applied a little paint stripper to the lid. This caused the words “Stack No More Than 10 High’ and ‘This Way Up’ to become visible.

“The two stone tablets inside turned out not to be made of stone at all. They're made of concrete and feature no engraving whatsoever, though one of them does have ‘Property of Froghill District Council’ stamped on it. The wooden staff proved to be the leg from an old dining chair.

“From a historical point of view, the most interesting of the casket’s contents was the clay pot.”

According to the Old Testament book of Hebrews, the jar inside the Ark contained manna, the food provided by God to sustain the Israelites during their wanderings in the desert.

“While the pot is clearly of considerable age and most likely originates from the eastern Mediterranean,” continued Dr. Mortlake, “it has been crudely painted over with gold acrylic paint, the sort of thing used to decorate model aircraft.

“However, the real surprise came when we analysed the residue inside it. It was not manna, honey or anything even remotely edible. It was human earwax.

“I mean, who on earth keeps earwax in a jar?”