Wednesday, February 6, 2019

ELEPHANT LUST LEADS TO EGG BONANZA

Emergency services were stretched to breaking point yesterday as 200 people needed attention following a tent collapse on Froghill Common.

The disaster occurred at Zeferelli’s Circus, when one of the elephants charged at the audience during the matinee performance.

The climax of the show involved four elephants, dressed in aluminium foil, curly wigs and glitter, performing together as the glam rock band Trunxy Music.

“They’d done their T. Rex number and were just launching into Slade when Leopold suddenly became agitated and stopped miming,” said circus owner Enzo Zeferelli. “He was breathing heavily and staring at a member of the audience.”

That audience member was Martin Cavendish, who was attending the performance with his son Ezra.

“He looked me hard in the eye and started getting an erection,” said Mr. Cavendish, recently discharged from hospital after his last encounter with Leopold, “then he shrugged off his guitar, trumpeted loudly and charged directly at me.

“It was clear from the look of lust on his face that he knew exactly who I was.”

Alarmed by the sudden uproar, the other three elephants panicked and stampeded. They smashed into the uprights supporting the big top, which sagged and pulled its supporting guy ropes out of the ground. With terrified audience members scrambling to escape and the PA system playing We’ll Bring The House Down, the 100-foot long marquee slowly collapsed. 

“Paddy was just doing his business,” said Bob Buttress, who was walking his dog on the Common, “and I could hear all this noise coming from the direction of the circus. Hell of a commotion going on.  

“Then suddenly, there was this huge candy-striped thing heading straight for me. I just dropped Paddy’s lead and ran for it.”

Propelled by four maddened elephants and two hundred terrified people, the out-of-control marquee blundered across the Common. It lurched onto Swansdike Road, causing several cars to swerve and two lorries to collide. One of the lorries, en route to a delivery at McDonald’s Pharm, shed its load, showering pedestrians with KY Jelly. The other slammed into a lamppost, sending a dog waste bin flying through the door of the Heaven Scent perfumerie.   

The big top travelled another three hundred yards, causing the oncoming 404 bus to veer through a hedge in an effort to avoid it. It came to an abrupt halt when two of the guy ropes became entangled with the traffic lights at Kidneystone Lane. Dazed onlookers phoned for help as the canvas mass thrashed about in front of them and the bus bounced off over the fields.

Scattering sheep as it went, the 404 crossed two fields, forded a stream, demolished a hay rick and ploughed on towards Rayling’s Farm. It finally came to rest after demolishing a hen house, the shock of which startled its occupants into frenzied laying.

The bus driver was taken to Froghill General and treated for contusions. She was later released and allowed to go home. Nobody else was seriously hurt, though a cat belonging to one of the passengers was reported as suffering a prolapse. 

“I just hope the bus company compensates me for the damage,” said Joshua Rayling, when phoned by the Observer. “There’s a bloody great hole in my hedge, my fields are all rutted, the sheep are in shock, the hens are traumatized - and new chicken coops don’t come cheap, neither.

“Mind you, I can’t say it’s all bad. Yesterday’s yield was three times normal. We may have lost the hen house, but we did at least get something eggs-tra!

“That was just my little yolk,” he added, moments before we put the phone down.

1 comment:

  1. Almost unbelievable that all this could happen. Pre-Brexit world, i guess

    ReplyDelete