NEW DEVICE LETS PATIENTS SURF THE WAVES

A cutting-edge treatment for those suffering from Hamilton’s Peristalsis is set to undergo clinical trials at Froghill General next week.

If successful, the treatment will mask the symptoms of a debilitating condition which affects up to one in five people in this country.

Dr. Ann L. Svincter, consultant gastrosurgeon at the hospital’s Semi-Colon Unit, described the new treatment as ground-breaking.

“The new treatment is ground-breaking,” she said.  

Hamilton’s Peristalsis, a condition in which the wave-like motions of the intestinal muscles during digestion are massively exaggerated, causes discomfort and embarrassment to the sufferer. It can strike suddenly and without warning, causing its victim to jerk convulsively and uncontrollably from the waist down.

The cause of the condition is yet to be understood and there is no known cure.

“While we must accept that we cannot cure HP, we can at least offer a palliative to those afflicted with it,” Dr. Svincter told the Observer.

“To this end, we are trialling a device, the PeriTune 500, which aims to tackle the social stigma created by this unfortunate condition.”

It consists of a microscopic USB which has been pre-recorded with a medley of conga tunes. This is connected to a number of motion sensors and a small high-fidelity speaker.

The whole thing is no bigger than a pound coin.

The device is implanted into the patient’s digestive tract during a routine surgical procedure. Once fitted, the PeriTune 500 should cause no more than moderate discomfort.

When its motion sensors detect a peristaltic wave reading of 3 or higher on the Richter Scale, the device is automatically triggered. The patient then effectively ‘broadcasts’ conga music over a 50-yard radius.

Anyone watching will naturally assume that the sufferer’s pelvic jerking is a spontaneous reaction to the infectious dance rhythms.

Asked whether a burst of loud music might not draw even more attention to someone in the throes of an HP episode, Dr. Svincter paused for a moment.

“You know, you might have a point there,” she admitted. “However, any humiliation caused must be set against the fact that it would be bloody funny to watch.”

Clinical trials are scheduled to last three months.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

I am newly resident in Froghill and am appalled by the number of abandoned shopping trolleys I see littering our streets. The other day, I counted no less than 76 trolleys on the brief walk between my home and The Meadows.

It’s bad enough that these trolleys are unsightly to look at. Far worse is the fact that they are physically abusive. On the day that I was counting, one actually had the temerity to follow me down the street and butt me from behind. I still have a bruise on my right buttock as a result.

It’s as if these trolleys know they can act with impunity. They hang around in groups, noisily clattering their folding infant seats, creating an obstruction and intimidating passers-by. They cross the road anywhere they choose, launching themselves off the pavement and causing traffic to take evasive action. How long before there’s an accident? 

I complained directly to the supermarket in The Meadows but was told: “The trolleys escape during the night, the best we can do is try to round them up during daylight hours.”

Why, I feel compelled to ask, are the police doing nothing about this menace to our society?

I believe a permanent solution needs to be found and found quickly, before spring brings the rutting season and the males become even more aggressive than they currently are.

Yours indignantly, 

Nellie Maynard (Mrs)

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In a sports news item entitled Froghill Footballers To Tackle Burning Oil Rig, we referred to Kieran Duffle, centre forward for Cheetingham Athletic, as “firing off a spectacular shit which ricocheted off the crossbar and hit the keeper on the back of the neck”. That should, of course, have read “a spectacular shot”. We apologise to Kieran and the team for any offence caused.

OBITUARY

A  Swansdike man who was awarded the OBE for his services to stupidity has passed away at the age of 88.

Born in Hackney, East London, Ernie Skittles moved to Swansdike with his family at the age of nine. Always a keen adventurer, he set up the Swansdike Cycling, Rambling and Other Travel Experiences association, more popularly known as the SCROTE Club, in 1964. As its founder and chairman, Ernie personally devised and led activities as varied as cycling the Manchester Ship Canal underwater, scaling Ben Nevis dressed as a piece of cheese and travelling the length of the M4 blindfold on rollerblades.

Ernie succumbed yesterday afternoon, after a protracted battle with Dutch Elm Disease. He is survived by his wife Maureen and sons Genghis and Brendan.

All funeral enquiries to: Buried Treasures Funeral Directors, Froghill. Tel: 0372 52481.

BOUNCING BABIES BUT NO BOUNCING CHEQUES!

The Observer, in association with Sow & Gate baby foods, is offering one lucky family the chance to win big in our annual Bouncing Babies competition.

The fun takes place next weekend on Froghill Common, with the winner receiving a cheque for £1,000 plus a year’s supply of Sow & Gate products. Two runners-up will enjoy an all-expenses-paid weekend at an abattoir of their choice.

The competition is open to all babies under one year old.

To enter, simply bring your baby to the competition site next Saturday, October 12th, between 9am and 5pm. Register and weigh your baby, ascend the specially built 60-foot platform and then drop him or her down onto the trampoline below.

Each entrant will be judged on the best of three drops and the baby landing furthest from the trampoline will be declared the winner. That’s all there is to it!

In addition to the main event, you’ll find baby-themed activities galore. Why not give your little one their first taste of vindaloo at Baby Spice? Or treat them to the human cannonball experience by firing them from the Baby Boomer?

It’s not all about the infants, either. Teenagers will be able to enjoy a supervised all-night sleepover in the Michael Jackson tent and there will be free family planning advice available at Maybe Baby.

So come on down to the Common next Saturday - and may the bounciest baby win!

CONDITIONS OF ENTRY  

The Bouncing Babies competition is open to all Froghill district residents, excluding employees, families and relatives of the Observer and Sow & Gate Ltd.

Entrants must be aged one year or under at the time of entry. Proof of eligibility must be provided upon request.

Babies must be naked when dropped to ensure that no weight tampering has taken place. No bodily attachments will be permitted.

The Observer will not be responsible for any deaths, injuries, breakages, traumas, stress disorders, medical expenses, collateral damage or cleaning bills.

By entering the competition you are deemed to accept and be bound by these terms and conditions.

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Now I know what you’re thinking. How on earth did I do it?

The answer is simple - I sold my soul to the devil.

Now many people think doing that involves going down to the crossroads at midnight and playing the guitar. Or reciting the words of the Lord’s Prayer backwards. Or chalking pentagrams on the floor while wearing goat’s horns. Well, they’re wrong and that’s why they’re still poor.

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Fame, success, wealth, beauty, a baby’s arm holding an apple – anything you desire can be yours for the taking.

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WYTHERING WOMEN TO GO MENTAL THIS WEEKEND

An alternative therapies and spiritual awareness experience is to be held this weekend in Wythering.

On Saturday and Sunday, the Wythering Womens’ Institute will be hosting Unbalanced/Rebalanced, an event conceived in celebration of World Mental Health Day on October 10.

On both days, activities will include MDMA yoga, brain washing, dream bending, mung bean alignment and non-dairy mindfulness.

Across the weekend. there will also be specialist classes and workshops for which participants should sign up in advance.

On Saturday, there will be guided workshops on cerebral rehydration, pontius pilates, alpha wave redistribution, kinaesthetic dog walking and tantric crochet.

On Sunday, look out for sessions on polytheistic breathing techniques, bifocal chakra orientation, sub-dom aromatherapy, third eye astigmatism and karmic quilting.

Unbalanced/Rebalanced, 9am – 6pm, Saturday 5th and Sunday 6th October, Wythering Memorial Hall, High Street, Wythering.

Tickets priced at £130 (£129, concs and OAPs) available online at www.money4rope.com. Each participant will receive a free glass of prozac cordial on arrival.