Saturday, August 17, 2019

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE


Complete Dinner Set. Floral pattern with inset scenes of Dutch slaughterhouses. £25. Delft Lundgren, 0163 66491.

Jumbo Jigsaw Puzzle, depicting English country cottage with thatched roof. Most pieces missing, hence low price of £750. Nick Knax, 0372 55173.

Memory stick. Nine inches long, no bushy outgrowths. Remembers everything between the years 1990 and 2019. A must for your next party. £140. Phone 0159 2821, ask for Twiggy.

Brexit helmet. Hard. Protects you and your family, come what may. Made in the UK. £39 billion, ono. Deal? B. Johnson, London, SW1A 2AA.

Anaconda. 20ft long, answers to the name of Fluffy. Very affectionate - loves nothing better than to curl up with you. Good with children. Free to a caring home. Call in at Rayling’s Farm. 

Erotickle Deluxe condom. Pork chop flavour, no stress marks. Used once only. £120. Prof. E. Lactik, 0372 52671.

Assorted Wigs. Side-parted, mousy colour. Also Donald Duck costume, full body coverage, includes hat and webbed feet. Some posterior staining. E. John, Windsor, Berkshire (for directions, ask at the Carpenter’s Arms in Market Street).

Nut, Screws, Washer and Bolts. Would suit mechanic or tabloid journalist covering story of lunatic having sex in a laundry and then running away. A. Hack, 0165 8257.

Teach Yourself Amputation. Easy to follow surgical instruction manual. Many colour illustrations. Wipe clean cover, laminated pages. Miss N. Lim, 0372 59146, after 6pm.

50 Pence Piece. Heptagonal. Found on bus. Offers? R.G. Bargie, 0163 7136.

Offal. 10 tons, mainly lungs, some kidneys. Unwanted birthday gift. £600 or would consider exchange for holiday villa in Rimini. 0161 4082, ask for Macaroni Jim.

Toothbrush. Pink, angled head, medium hard bristle. Made in 2011. One careful owner. £1.50. Ruth D. Kaye, 0372 51471.

Little Rocket Man Glove Puppet. Grey uniform, silly haircut, chubby cheeks. Face lights up as you insert your hand. D. Trump, Box 1, USA.

SERVICES

Uncle Henry. Children’s entertainer. Balloon sculpture, rotating balls, hands-free levitation trick – televised. 0161 4321.

Wash and Brush Up. How far up? You decide! Complete service includes soap, towels, brush, baby oil, clamps and safeword. Arsène Dopen 0372 57520.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

FIN-TASTIC FUN AT THE MEADOWS

The Meadows Shopping Centre is hosting a marine extravangaza which is sure to put some ‘bite’ into the summer holidays.

The free event, part-sponsored by the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART), gives children the chance to get up close and personal with four sharks, while learning about their lives and the joys of playing with them.

Melvin Thrasher, director of The Meadows, said: “Sharks have had such bad press over the last few decades. We’re trying to do our bit to change the perception of these animals as little more than evil predators.

“After the success of last summer’s week-long Fun With Acid event, we’ve put together a package of enjoyable and informative activities that will impress both kids and grown-ups alike.”

For the duration of the event, the atrium at the Meadows has been given over to a 200-square-foot seawater pool which will serve as temporary home to a Bull shark, a Tiger shark, a Great White and an Oceanic White Tip.

Suitable for children aged five to 12 years old, activities include petting the sharks, swimming with them and feeding them by hand. Event organisers hope that by doing so, youngsters will learn something about the animals’ playful nature, their eating habits and their sexual preferences.

“Trained paramedics will be on hand at all times, just in case,” said Mr. Thrasher, “though obviously, we don’t anticipate the need to call on them.”

The event runs until next Friday, August 23rd.

Free tickets for Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Shark? can be booked on The Meadows’ website. Log onto www.meadows.co.uk/sharksarereallycuddly.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

My wife Daphne was out walking on Friday afternoon when a highly regrettable incident occurred. Passing one of the many bushes on Froghill Common, she became aware of growling noises emanating from underneath. Suddenly and without warning, two wild-eyed and slavering hamsters broke cover and charged directly at her.

Fortunately, in her youth, Daphne was an enthusiastic member of the Froghill and District Runner Beings and still boasts quite a turn of speed, even now.

On this occasion, she was able to get her head down and sprint for the nearest tree which, as a former member of the Froghill and District Sycamore Scalers, she was able to climb with ease. She then hid in the branches until the rapacious rodents got bored and went off in search of other prey.

However, the matter does not end there.

Later that evening, we received a telephone call from someone identifying himself only as ‘Mac’. While admitting that the animals belonged to him, the rascal had the temerity to insist that, had my wife not been wearing a headscarf with a horseshoe motif, the whole thing might never have happened.

Her assailants, it appears, were a pair of Patagonian Pit Bull Hamsters which, due to centuries of restrictive breeding practices, have pea-sized brains closely resembling those of alligators. This makes them pathologically aggressive, particularly when exposed to artifacts featuring prominent equestrian designs.

In light of this event, I strongly urge Froghill Constabulary to declare a two-week amnesty on all attack rodents registered in the local area. Once handed in, animals should be referred to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust to have their teeth extracted and foam rubber replacements fitted. 

As a further precautionary measure, a time-release reservoir of liquid horse tranquiliser should be surgically inserted into each animal's skull.

That way, perhaps ordinary people will be able to go out for an afternoon walk without running the risk of an alarming and potentially dangerous encounter.

Yours faithfully,

Maj. Redfers Nuthatch (ret'd)

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

FLYING PANTS IN ROLLING STONE POND FILL BONUS

A homeowner is elated, a couple estranged, a dog extruded and a man hospitalised today following a freak underwear event which occurred early Monday evening.

Darren Squire, 36, was driving along Wythering High Street at around 7pm when a pair of pants landed on the windscreen of his car.

“I was driving along, listening to Classic FM, when suddenly these pants landed right in front of my eyes,” said Mr. Squire, “I turned on the wipers to try and dislodge them, but they got snagged up and kept going back and forth across the screen.

“They had a picture of a cockerel on them, looking all provocative and flexing his biceps. Watching a cock go from side to side is really hypnotic and before I knew what was happening, I was moving in time with it.”

This vigorous side-to-side motion caused Mr. Squire to hit his head against the side window, the impact knocking him senseless.

Mounting the pavement, his car careened into bespoke bakery All You Need Is Loaf, shattering its front window and toppling the eight-tier wedding cake display behind. The top tier broke off, flying over the car roof and across the High Street.

Seated at a table outside chic bistro Le Pétomane, newly engaged 27-year-old Colin Snape and 25-year-old Deborah Willoughby were sharing a bottle of Prosecco.

“We had just clinked glasses when a little plastic model of a bride and groom landed in my drink,” said Colin. “I was just saying to Debs how it had to be a good omen when a great big wedge of cake landed smack in her face.

“Well, I couldn’t help laughing - coming out of nowhere like that, it was just so funny.”

His fiancée, however, did not seem to appreciate the joke and responded by punching her beau hard on the nose and then storming off.

As Colin desperately called after the retreating Debbie, the cake’s bottom tier, made not of sponge but of solid sandstone painted white, trundled out of the gaping space where the window had so recently been.

Glancing off several parked cars as it went, the 80-pound circular disc steadily gathered speed as it wobbled off down the High Street.

Unaware of this recent turn of events, Marjorie Layne, a self-employed Stilton tattooist and amateur duck puzzler, was approaching from the opposite direction with her dog, Benno.

Readers of this paper may recall that Benno, a pedigree Bavarian Homing Dachshund, was tragically stretched to ten feet in length, following a near-fatal encounter with the ‘Ghost Cow’ last spring (Observer, March 8).

“Walkies are a real event these days,” Ms. Layne told the Observer, “as it takes about fifteen seconds for information to travel from his brain down to his back legs. His front legs waddle forward, we wait fifteen seconds and then his back legs start to catch up.  

“It’s like walking a dog-shaped concertina.”

It was during one of these fifteen-second pauses that the bottom tier, now travelling at speeds in excess of 45 miles per hour, rounded the corner in front of the hapless pair.

“There was no time to react,” said a tearful Ms. Layne, “I just watched in disbelief as Benno let out a squeal before being squished by this huge white stone.”

Thanks to the prompt action of a passer-by, emergency services were on the scene in a matter of minutes and Benno was rushed to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART), where he is currently recovering from his ordeal.

“The weight of the stone produced an effect similar to that of a rolling pin on a ball of dough,” said Chief Veterinary Surgeon, Dr. Mortimer Pluck. “Consequently, in addition to being ten feet long, it’s highly likely that Benno will be no more than half a centimetre high for the rest of his life.

“However, every cloud has a silver lining. Should she suddenly require extra space around the house, Ms. Layne will now be able to roll him up and store him in a cupboard.”

After devastating half a dozen flowerbeds and a plastic cloche full of marijuana plants, the maverick stone finally came to rest in an ornamental pond about half a mile down the road.

“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw it,” said delighted homeowner Britney Braddock, “I’ve been meaning to have that pond filled in for ages. The guinea pig has a habit of falling in and he always comes out confused and smelling of weed.

“So imagine my surprise when I looked outside on Tuesday morning and found it had been neatly plugged with a stone disc.

“I don’t know who put it there, but it fits perfectly, so I’d like to thank whoever it was for saving me the bother.”

At the time of going to press, Ms. Braddock has decorated her pond with a string of fairy lights, Deborah has broken off the engagement, Benno is being held in place by a double-looped elastic band and Darren Squire is receiving treatment in the Underwear Trauma Unit at Froghill General.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

WHEN THE TALKING JUST HAS TO STOP

Froghill’s most decorated man has a long day ahead of him tomorrow.

For while everyone else is going about their business, Vince Crotchett, of Traubert’s Heath, will be having laser surgery to remove every one of his 278 tattoos.

“Vince will be my one and only customer tomorrow,” said Ken Dudd, proprietor of the Tatty Bye ink removal clinic in Dial Street, “it’s going to be an all-day job.”

Mr. Crotchett, a freelance potato trainer who got his first tattoo at the age of three, decided on the drastic course of action after his body art began talking out loud.

“It started about a year ago,” recalled the 56-year-old, “I woke up from a dream about birds singing to realise that the noise was actually happening in the room.”

A brief investigation revealed that the sound was coming from a tattoo of two swallows on his right forearm. It continued for about five minutes before stopping of its own accord.

“At the time, I didn’t think too much of it,” he said, “I’d had quite a heavy night with the lads down the pub and I just put it down to that.”

It became apparent that something genuinely unusual was going on a few weeks later, when Mr. Crotchett was travelling on a London tube train.

“I’d gone up to town and I was on the Bakerloo Line, when suddenly this voice said: ‘Vincent, stop picking your nose! Use your handkerchief’. It was my Mum. I have her name tattooed just above the swallows.

“And it didn’t stop there. She started complaining in a loud voice about muddy footprints on the hall carpet. She went on and on about it. People in the carriage were staring at me, I didn’t know where to look.”

The next incident occurred in a Froghill clothes shop. Mr. Crotchett was in the fitting room, trying on some reinforced ‘Maxihold’ underwear, when his Celtic Love Knot yelled out: ‘It’s too tight, it’s too tight, I can’t breathe,’ prompting a shop assistant to come and ask if he needed help.

The final straw came during the Froghill Youth Orchestra’s performance of The Rammstein Variations at the Assembly Rooms last month. The concert, conducted by Simon Rattle, CBE, was a sell-out, with live coverage on a big screen set up on Froghill Common.

“The orchestra had finished tuning up and the audience went quiet. Then Simon Rattle walked out onto the stage and took a bow,” said Mr. Crotchett, with a shudder.

“In the moment before the applause started, this Yorkshire voice announced: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen…Mr. Billy Connolly’. Everybody heard it.

“It was the image of Michael Parkinson I have on my left buttock. I mean, I’ve heard of talking out of your arse but this is ridiculous!

“Anyway, all hell broke loose. People were up on their feet, booing and hissing and throwing their tubs of ice cream around. The woman in the next seat hit me around the head with her shoe.

“Simon Rattle just glared at me from under his curls and then walked off. He only came back onstage because he was enticed with a cup of tea and a plate of Hobnobs.”

It was then that Mr. Crotchett decided that the tattoos had to go. Asked by the Observer whether he would miss them, he replied: “Yes, of course. I mean, it’s like having your leg off.

“But once the tattoos are gone, I think I’ll get both cheeks pierced. That way, I’ll be able to go up onto Traubert’s Hill and play tunes when the wind is in the right direction.”

Thursday, August 1, 2019

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In an article entitled Noodle Man in Rust Bucket Epiphany, we stated that Benji Sloane, of Helvetica Close, Cheetingham, “underwent several hours of fisting in preparation for his blood test”. That should, of course, have read “several hours of fasting”. We apologise to Mr. Sloane and his family for any offence caused.

Monday, July 29, 2019

HOW THE FALLEN ARE MIGHTY

A group of local meteorology enthusiasts has an explanation for the mystery objects which have been falling onto Froghill.

As reported exclusively in these pages, a sheet of metal, an industrial food mixer and a large tarpaulin have all recently landed in the area.

Weather wizard Zoe ‘Stormy’ Daniels, founder member of the Froghill Amateur Meteorologists Incorporating the Swansdike Heralds of Environmental Disaster (FAMISHED), told the Observer that it’s all down to climate change.

“It’s all down to climate change,” she said.

“The heating of the world’s oceans is creating a phenomenon known as El Embudo, a Spanish term which translates into English as ‘The Funnel’.”

According to Ms. Daniels, global warming leads to the formation of narrow columns of superheated air, high up in the Earth’s atmosphere. Once formed, these columns slowly sink earthwards. Should one make landfall, it will be easily be powerful enough to suck up anything in its path.

Rising thermals then propel the Funnel and its contents upward. As it reaches cooler air, its retentive power weakens. Anything it has collected is then released and falls back to earth.

“A major Funnel Event was observed over the town of Aliağa in Izmir earlier this month,” said the 24-year-old Ms. Daniels.

We referred this fact to the Froghill Institute for Social History, who informed us that Aliağa is where HMS Ark Royal was taken to be scrapped, back in 2013.”

Working in close cooperation, a joint FAMISHED-FISH team has concluded that our recent ‘droppings’ were in fact component parts of the defunct carrier, picked up by the Funnel in Turkey.

“We have no idea why Froghill should have been the dumping ground,” said Ms. Daniels, “we have yet to understand precisely how Funnels travel or when they release their load.

“However, what happened here is a far from isolated incident.

“For example, a large number of ironing boards dropped out of the clouds and crashed onto a village school in East Timor last March.

“Two weeks later, a herd of Texas Longhorn cattle suddenly landed in a water park in Boksburg, South Africa.

“And just last month, a yurt full of adventure tourists was swept up from Mongolia and deposited in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

“As luck would have it, the tourists were actually from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, so El Embudo saved them the trouble of catching their flight home.”