MAN HAS ROCKET AND TEETH EXTRACTED AFTER NEW YEAR’S MISHAP

Emergency services were called to Froghill High Street early this morning after a local businessman was seriously injured by a rocket.

George Chitling, CEO of Chitling’s Balls and Brackets, was rushed to Froghill General Hospital just after midnight.

Events were set in train by Wythering resident Barrie Nesbit, presenter of the popular children’s TV show Mr. Wobbly’s World. Hosting the New Year’s fireworks display, Mr. Nesbit was scheduled to make a short speech before firing the opening rocket on the stroke of midnight.

Eye witnesses at the celebration on Froghill Common report Mr. Nesbit as unsteady on his feet as he left the refreshments tent, adding that he needed assistance to ascend the launch platform.

Slurring his words as he counted down to midnight, the celebrity stumbled and lost his balance. He fell heavily onto the 25lb rocket which immediately roared into life. Instead of climbing into the night sky as planned, it flew off in the direction of the town centre, scattering terrified revellers as it did so.

The rocket shattered the display window of Bennet’s the Butchers in the High Street, incinerating the last turkey in the shop.

“I thought I’d died and gone to hell,” said owner Stan Bennet, who lives on the premises. “I was just pouring a new year’s toast for me and the missus, when crash! there’s flames and noise and a powerful smell of burning meat.”

Gushing a six-foot trail of fire and draped in a string of sausages, the maverick missile ricocheted off the walls, exited the shop and continued down the High Street. After setting fire to the municipal Christmas tree, it careened off the Town Hall clock, which had just finished striking midnight. The impact triggered the mechanism and the clock struck the hour a second time.

Mr. Chitling, whose Audi A8 had run out of petrol just moments before, was bending over the fuel tank with a jerry can. As he paused to look up at the Town Hall clock, the speeding rocket struck him from behind.

The blow sent the jerry can flying and Mr. Chitling spinning round in circles. The can landed on a prowling cat, knocking it senseless. Seconds later, the flames emanating from Mr. Chitling’s rear ignited the fuel tank, turning his car into a fireball.

Thrown clear by the blast, the charred businessman was sent screaming down the High Street. Data from the speed camera at the junction with St. Alfege Street recorded him as travelling at 93 mph.

The eventual starburst catapulted its hapless victim through the windows of the Pearly Gates dental laboratory. Paramedics arrived on the scene to discover him unconscious in the consulting room, covered in glass shards and dentures.

Upon arrival at Froghill General, Mr. Chitling was rushed into theatre, where he underwent a four-hour procedure to extract the rocket casing, glass fragments and teeth.

“It was touch and go there for a while,” said chief surgeon Dr. Nathan Toploder. “Mind you, the chipolatas we found in the patient’s pockets were cooked to perfection. Sausages during surgery - just what the doctor ordered!”

Contacted by the Observer at his home, Mr. Nesbit expressed regret over the night’s proceedings, confessing that he had “maybe seen in the new year a wee bit early.”

Mr. Chitling, who is continuing to receive treatment for shock, burns and impacted wisdom teeth, was unavailable for comment.