BEETLE MAN IN ELEPHANT SEX ORDEAL

A local man is in hospital after a terrifying ordeal which left him suffering concussion and spinal injuries.

It all started as a day of celebration, with Martin Cavendish of Lark Rise, Cheetingham, taking his son Ezra to Whipsnade Zoo for the lad’s sixth birthday on Monday.

“We’d seen the penguins, the lions and the chimpanzees,” recalled Mr. Cavendish, soon after regaining consciousness, “and our last port of call was the elephants.”

While Ezra ran off to buy an ice cream, his father stood watching by the enclosure fence. Being thus preoccupied, Mr. Cavendish failed to notice a female elephant, just a few feet away, who was in the process of lifting her tail. As she started relieving herself, the elephant sneezed, leading to a sudden projectile shower which covered Mr. Cavendish from head to foot.

 “I was absolutely soaked,” said Mr. Cavendish. “My new jacket was ruined. I had to put it in the boot of the car, it stank so badly.”

Their visit cut short, father and son got into their VW convertible to drive home. What neither knew was that the animal who had spoiled their afternoon was on heat.

After dropping off Ezra at the McDonald’s in Froghill High Street for a birthday party with his friends, Mr. Cavendish went to his home in Catchpenny Road for a shower and a change of clothes.

At that same time, Zeferelli’s Circus, which had arrived in town that morning, was setting up its tents on Froghill Common. Amid all the noise and activity, nobody noticed Leopold the elephant, who was quietly pushing open the door of his cage.

“Someone must have forgotten to lock it after feeding time,” said owner Enzo Zeferelli. “He’s a clever boy, is Leopold. Very good at escaping. Last time he got away, we found him drunk in a pub cellar with a cigar in his trunk. We never worked out how he managed to light it.”

Leaving home again, Mr. Cavendish got back into the car to rejoin Ezra. He drove into town and parked the VW in Beech Rise, one of several roads leading off the Common.

“I’d just turned off the ignition when I heard this trumpeting sound, a terrific bang and then suddenly the whole car lurched forward,” said Mr. Cavendish. “This was followed by a ripping noise and then something meaty and hard hit me in the head.”

Leopold, who had been crossing the Common, had picked up the scent of in-season female coming from the car boot. Trumpeting loudly, the 9,000 lb. jumbo charged the vehicle and mounted it from behind. His first thrust tore open the canvas roof, entering the passenger cabin and hitting Mr. Cavendish.

Leopold’s rhythmic thrusting pressed Mr. Cavendish’s face into the steering wheel, repeatedly sounding the car horn. The recurrent honking brought curious neighbours to their windows.

“I thought it was a car alarm,” said Beech Rise resident Ellie Mansell.

“Imagine my surprise when I looked through the curtains and saw an elephant on top of a car! He was certainly going at it, though the poor man inside was clearly having a terrible time, what with his head going back and forth like that.”

Police marksmen, clad in elephant-proof body armour, arrived on the scene soon after. Use of weapons proved unnecessary, however, as Leopold had by this time climaxed and flooded the car. Lying across the crumpled vehicle, the spent animal was breathing heavily and plucking privet from a nearby hedge. He was led away by his keeper and is currently being treated for Repetitive Strain Injury and genital chafing at the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART).

The unconscious Mr. Cavendish, who was lucky not to be drowned in his seat, was rushed to the Pachyderm Injuries Unit of Froghill General, where he was immediately hosed down with industrial-strength disinfectant. He was then fitted with a tungsten-carbide neck brace and placed in traction.

Dr. Carole Snappet, orthopaedic specialist at the PIU, told the Observer that Mr. Cavendish will be kept under observation for at least a week.

“He’s received a severe shock, as well as a considerable battering,” said Dr Snappet. “I mean, I’ve heard of getting a stiff neck, but this is ridiculous!”