Scientists
at the Traubert’s Hill Institute for Conservational Knowledge (THICK) believe
they have solved the riddle of the unusually high number of badger cubs born
this winter.
Soil samples from Traubert’s Heath have tested
positive for extraordinarily high levels of the illegal drug Ecstasy.
Well-known as a haven for badgers, the Heath was the site
of last summer’s One Heart music
festival, which showcased local bands Three
Ring Circus, Blot and The Hubert Rawlinson Experience.
Festival organisers Hippy Happenings Inc. were later
fined £27.50
by Froghill Crown Court for staging an event with inadequate sanitary
facilities. “It is our opinion that One Heart represented a vacation in more ways
than one,” said presiding judge Neville Silliphant, in his summing-up.
“We know
that many of the 15,000 festivalgoers took Ecstasy that day,”
said THICK researcher Dr. Grant Honeydew. “Ecstasy is naturally broken down by
the body and excreted over a five- to six-hour period.
“Human
waste is easily absorbed into leaf mold, a substance which is eaten by
earthworms. These worms make up the staple diet of the badger.
“Due to the
abundance of earthworms last summer, each of our badgers had an intake of anything
up to 200 grams of Ecstasy, every day for three weeks or so,” Dr. Honeydew added.
It seems
that the ‘loved up’ badgers then went at it like knives. And, as anyone who has
recently been walking on Traubert’s Heath will tell you, the result is a baby
boom of staggering proportions.
“You can
barely take a step on the Heath without squashing a cub underfoot,” said Maggie
Woolhatt of the Froghill Amateur Rambling Club (FARC). “And that makes quite a
mess, let me tell you - badger stains can be very stubborn.”
“We can
only hope that the cubs haven’t been born drug-dependent,” said a concerned Dr.
Honeydew. “THICK has no on-site MDMA manufacturing capabilities, and it would
put considerable strain on our resources if we have to take the badgers clubbing.”
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