FROGHILL FIREMEN SPRING INTO ACTION

Montague Road fire station's new efficiency drive looks set to be scrapped after a trial run ended in chaos.

Aiming to reduce response times, Station Manager Len Scramble decided to abandon the practice of having crew members slide down a pole from the recreation room to the garage.

Instead, he issued each of his firefighters with a pair of powerful, spring-loaded boots.

“They’re basically the same boots as before,” said Len, “only with beryllium copper compression springs nailed to the soles.

“I got them cheap from a friend of mine who’s in the business.”

In an emergency, the plan was for crew members to jump through the hole in the rec room floor and then use the recoil from the boot springs to bounce into their allotted places on the fire engine.

“I was hoping this would have the men ready to move out much faster than before,” said the 55-year-old Len.

However, trials carried out yesterday resulted in a crew of four ending up everywhere except where they should have been.

First through the hole, Crew Manager Gary Blake’s 18-stone weight saw his springs pushed to maximum compression. Instead of slotting him neatly behind the wheel, the rebound saw him clear the fire engine entirely and knock himself unconscious on the opposite wall.

Close behind came second-in-command Dennis Rapier, who bounced through an open skylight and onto the street outside. He was last seen describing large arcs down Montague Road, holding his crotch and shouting incoherently as he cleared several street lights.

Next to jump, crew member Colin Snoad was catapulted vertically back in the direction he’d just come, forcibly colliding with colleague Keith Slocum, who had just begun his descent.

Both men were rushed by ambulance to Froghill General. They were admitted to the Critical Entanglement Unit, where their condition is described as ‘uncomfortable’.

Asked by the Observer whether he would be pursuing the new boots initiative any further, the beleaguered Len told us: “I really can’t say right now. 

“At this moment, our sole priority lies in trying to locate Dennis.”

Then he smiled ruefully and added: “but, on the whole, I think you might say that I'm not exactly full of the joys of spring.”