DIGGING THE BEAT IN WYTHERING

Roadworks in Wythering High Street are to remain in place for longer than expected after workmen stumbled across a big band playing under the tarmac.

A section of the High Street, between the Use Your Loaf bakery and chic bistro Le Pétomane, has been closed for the last ten days due to a fractured water main.

The work was due to have been completed this Friday, September 6, according to Froghill District Council.

However, the discovery of a subterranean ballroom containing an orchestra in full evening dress has brought proceedings to a halt.

“Me and the lads thought we could hear music above the noise of the pneumatic drill,” said FDC maintenance operative Bob D. Bilder, “and it seemed to get louder the deeper we went.

“Then suddenly, the drill went through into nothing and we could hear the words of Button Up Your Overcoat, coming up clear as anything.

“So we opened up a space and there they all were. I don’t know who was more surprised, them or us.

“Unfortunately, as the drill went in, one or two of the musicians got knocked unconscious by lumps of falling earth and stuff.”

When questioned, bandleader Johnnie Lyttleton told the astonished workmen that they’d been down there since 1938.

“He asked if Hitler was still Chancellor of Germany and what Chamberlain was going to do about him,” said Mr. Bilder.

The Observer has subsequently learned that this is not the first time that live musicians have turned up beneath the nation’s roads.

According to Caroline Treesmold, spokesperson for the Wythering Amateur Geological Society (WAGS), such discoveries are far from uncommon.

“In 2015, a barbershop quartet was dug up from under the A6 outside Leicester,” she told us.

“The following year, a Mariachi band was uncovered after local residents reported hearing music coming from under the B 284 in Epsom.

“Last March, the Lothian and District Light Opera Company were discovered performing selections from HMS Pinafore beneath the Tollcross Junction in Edinburgh and, in June, a man with a moustache was found playing a saw during resurfacing work on the M6.

“Perhaps the most comic find to date was a new wave trio, who were interrupted while rehearsing in a drain beneath the A 320 in Woking, back in 1976,” added Ms. Treesmold.

When asked by the Observer why this was particularly amusing, she replied: “Because they were playing Going Underground at the time!”

She then burst into uncontrollable laughter and had to be helped to the toilet by one of our staff.