SHAMPOO WOMAN IN HEAD EXPANSION SHOCK

A woman is in hospital today after a mishap which caused her head to swell to over fifteen times its usual size.

Megan Merkel, of Kidneystone Lane, was in the shower when the unfortunate event took place. 

“I’d bought some Schmaltzkopf ‘Maxilox’ volumising shampoo,” said Ms. Merkel, speaking with difficulty from her hospital bed, “and I was using it for the first time. I decided to wash my face with it as well as my hair, to save time.”

To Ms. Merkel’s distress, within a few minutes of rinsing off the lather, her head began to swell alarmingly.

“It seems that this particular brand of shampoo volumises everything it comes into contact with,” said paramedic Andy Bolton, who attended Ms. Merkel at the scene.

“We received a panicked call from someone saying please come quickly because their head was expanding. At first, we thought it was just a stoned Pink Floyd fan, but the person on the other end did seem to be in genuine distress.”

By the time the ambulance arrived, Ms. Merkel’s head was several times larger than normal and still increasing in size.

“I’d never seen anything like it in all my years as a paramedic,” said Mr. Bolton, “her head was literally growing as we watched.

“If she’d stuck her finger in her ear, she would have looked like one of those old-fashioned petrol pumps.

“Getting her to the hospital wasn’t easy. Her head had become so big, it wouldn’t fit into the ambulance.

“We had to strap her to a gurney and then wedge that halfway in and halfway out of the vehicle. We drove to the hospital with the back door open and her head sticking out.

“Unfortunately, we had no way to secure the door and it kept bashing her on the top of her skull.”

After 15 minutes of repeated banging, which resulted in a painfully growing lump on top of an already swelling head, the ambulance arrived at Froghill General, where Ms. Merkel was rushed into the Cranial Inflation Unit.

“It was touch and go there for a while,” said chief surgeon Dr. Nathan Toploder, “before we could operate, we had to blow a hole in the wall with Semtex so she could fit into theatre.  

“We performed a Parietal Puncture, which involves perforating the head at several key points with a hammer and a six-inch nail. We then inserted drinking straws into the apertures to allow the extra volume to escape.

“She’ll spend the next few days looking like the O2 Arena but, on the plus side, the straws are the bendy type, so she can arrange the tips to suit her mood.

“We’re confident that Ms. Merkel will make a full and complete recovery,” he added, before turning so that his heels squeaked on the lino.

Have you had an amusing or unusual experience with expanding body parts? Then why not share your story with our readers? Email your risible attempts at prose composition to  www.froghillobserver.co.uk/minesbiggerthanyours or call our Joseph Merrickline on 0372 55055. Calls cost £372 per minute, standard rate.