A homeowner is elated, a couple estranged, a dog extruded and a man hospitalised
today following a freak underwear event which occurred early Monday evening.
Darren Squire, 36, was driving along Wythering High Street at around 7pm
when a pair of pants landed on the windscreen of his car.
“I was driving along, listening to Classic FM, when suddenly these pants landed
right in front of my eyes,” said Mr. Squire, “I turned on the wipers to try and
dislodge them, but they got snagged up and kept going back and forth across the
screen.
“They had a picture of a cockerel on them, looking all provocative and
flexing his biceps. Watching a cock go from side to side is really hypnotic and
before I knew what was happening, I was moving in time with it.”
This vigorous side-to-side motion caused Mr. Squire to hit his head
against the side window, the impact knocking him senseless.
Mounting the pavement, his car careened into bespoke bakery All You Need
Is Loaf, shattering its front window and toppling the eight-tier wedding cake display
behind. The top tier broke off, flying over the car roof and across the
High Street.
Seated at a table outside chic bistro Le Pétomane, newly engaged 27-year-old Colin Snape
and 25-year-old Deborah Willoughby were sharing a bottle of Prosecco.
“We had just clinked glasses when a little plastic model of a bride and
groom landed in my drink,” said Colin. “I was just saying to Debs how it had to
be a good omen when a great big wedge of cake landed smack in her face.
“Well, I couldn’t help laughing - coming out of nowhere like that, it was
just so funny.”
His fiancée, however, did not seem to appreciate the joke and responded
by punching her beau hard on the nose and then storming off.
As Colin desperately called after the retreating Debbie, the cake’s bottom
tier, made not of sponge but of solid sandstone painted white, trundled out of
the gaping space where the window had so recently been.
Glancing off several parked cars as it went, the 80-pound circular disc steadily gathered speed as it wobbled off down the High Street.
Unaware of this recent turn of events, Marjorie Layne, a self-employed
Stilton tattooist and amateur duck puzzler, was approaching from the opposite
direction with her dog, Benno.
Readers of this paper may recall that Benno, a pedigree Bavarian Homing Dachshund,
was tragically stretched to ten feet in length, following a near-fatal encounter
with the ‘Ghost Cow’ last spring (Observer,
March 8).
“Walkies are a real event these days,” Ms. Layne told the Observer, “as it takes about fifteen
seconds for information to travel from his brain down to his back legs. His front
legs waddle forward, we wait fifteen seconds and then his back legs start to catch
up.
“It’s like walking a dog-shaped concertina.”
It was during one of these fifteen-second pauses that the bottom tier,
now travelling at speeds in excess of 45 miles per hour, rounded the corner in
front of the hapless pair.
“There was no time to react,” said a tearful Ms. Layne, “I just watched in
disbelief as Benno let out a squeal before being squished by this huge white stone.”
Thanks to
the prompt action of a passer-by, emergency services were on the scene in a
matter of minutes and Benno was rushed to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation
Trust (WART), where he is currently recovering from his ordeal.
“The weight of
the stone produced an effect similar to that of a rolling pin on a ball of
dough,” said Chief Veterinary Surgeon, Dr. Mortimer Pluck. “Consequently, in
addition to being ten feet long, it’s highly likely that Benno will be no more
than half a centimetre high for the rest of his life.
“However, every
cloud has a silver lining. Should she suddenly require extra space around the house, Ms. Layne will now be able to roll him up and store
him in a cupboard.”
After devastating half a dozen flowerbeds and a plastic
cloche full of marijuana plants, the maverick stone finally came to rest in an
ornamental pond about half a mile down the road.
“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw it,” said delighted
homeowner Britney Braddock, “I’ve been meaning to have that pond filled in for
ages. The guinea pig has a habit of falling in and he always comes out confused and smelling
of weed.
“So imagine my surprise when I looked outside on
Tuesday morning and found it had been neatly plugged with a stone disc.
“I don’t know who put it there, but it fits
perfectly, so I’d like to thank whoever it was for saving me the bother.”
At the time of going to press, Ms. Braddock has
decorated her pond with a string of fairy lights, Deborah has broken off the
engagement, Benno is being held in place by a double-looped elastic band and Darren
Squire is receiving treatment in the Underwear Trauma Unit at Froghill General.
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