DOGGED BY MISFORTUNE AS PILOT GOES BARKING MAD

Leafy local favourite Henry’s hopes of a glittering TV career were dashed last night as his chat show pilot ended in chaos and humiliation. 

Readers may recall that Henry, an educated and articulate English Lavender, was the unlikely winner of a Froghill pub quiz last May. Wythering resident and TV celebrity Barrie Nesbit then took a personal interest (Observer, June 3rd) and successfully negotiated a try-out for Henry on BBC TV.

Chatting Around The Bush, which aired on BBC1 at 11pm yesterday, should have secured Henry a role as the world’s only herbaceous host.

Unfortunately, in the first of many setbacks, we learned that all but one of the show’s scheduled guests had pulled out.  

Actor/director Phoebe Waller-Bridge sent her apologies, citing filming commitments, while boxer Anthony Joshua excused himself on health grounds and Nigel Farage, who was to have performed a novelty balloon bending act, claimed that he was unavoidably being photographed having a pint.

Still game however was Melvin Sadman, aka Crazy Frog tribute act Spawn Again. Mr. Sadman, somewhat unwisely in this reporter’s opinion, opened the show with a performance of his 2005 smash Axel F before debuting his new release, Axel F. He followed up with an instrumental version of his worldwide hit Axel F, which he rendered on a pair of spoons.

A notably lukewarm response from the studio audience had a visibly unsettling effect on Henry, who stumbled while introducing the first of his last-minute guests.

Fresh from a summer season at the Benbecula Rialto, hypnotist Mickie Mindwarp duly took his place on the couch. What followed was a dull and stilted interview, in which a nervous Henry fluffed his lines on no less than three occasions.

It was a genuine relief to audience and viewer alike when Mr. Mindwarp got up to demonstrate the highlights of his act.

Putting the audience ‘under’ with a click of his fingers, he bade the female members get down on all fours and imitate the barking of a Jack Russell terrier. The men he commanded to stand up, drop their trousers and sing The Only Way Is Up as they simultaneously experienced involuntary erections.

Amid the cacophony of yapping and yelling, the unctuous performer then counted down from six to zero and brought the audience ‘back into the room’, much to the embarrassed amusement of all concerned.

Next onto the couch was our own Barrie Nesbit, there to offer Henry support in the face of so many high-profile cancellations. The ensuing chat was smooth, natural and entertaining, with seasoned professional Barrie smiling, cracking jokes and putting his potted host at ease.

By 11.20, it looked as if the tide might finally be turning in Henry’s favour.

Next up was novelty dog act Alsatian Sensations. Under the eagle eye of trainer Jim Gold, the German Shepherds bounded into their act, playing on see-saws, jumping through hoops, building a matchstick model of Tower Bridge and barking the soliloquy from Hamlet.

However, the events of the next few minutes were to ensure that the hapless Henry is unlikely ever to grace our TV screens again.

The highlight of Alsatian Sensations’ act was a pyramid formation piece, with the animals balanced on the shoulders of an RAF motorcycle stunt rider.

As the pyramid described figures of eight across the stage, a shrill, high-pitched yapping suddenly erupted from the audience. The cameras swung round to find a woman in the back row, still on her hands and knees, barking for all she was worth.

Realising what must have happened, the quick-thinking Mindwarp jumped to his feet and counted quickly down from six to zero. Yet to his obvious dismay, it had no effect whatsoever and the still-hypnotised woman continued barking with gusto.

Now distracted by the noise, several of the Alsatians began to howl, wriggling and kicking to break free of the pyramid. Their beleaguered rider, desperately struggling to control his machine, snagged his front wheel on a camera cable. An audible gasp of disbelief went up as man, motorcycle and 25 dogs teetered dangerously before toppling sideways onto the studio floor.

Most of the Alsatians hit the ground running and made a beeline for the barking woman. Confronted with twenty or more maddened canines heading their way, the audience panicked and scrambled for the exits. The entire studio emptied in a matter of seconds.

By 11.30, all that remained of the erudite shrub’s shot at the big time was a failed hypnotist, a barking woman, an unconscious stunt rider and Barrie Nesbit, red-faced and swearing, fighting a snarling Alsatian for possession of his toupé.

As the director cut the programme and the credits rolled, the camera zoomed in hard on a forlorn and fallen Henry, branches bent and leaves awry, sobbing quietly in a pool where one of the dogs had cocked its leg against him.