LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

My wife Daphne was out walking on Friday afternoon when a highly regrettable incident occurred. Passing one of the many bushes on Froghill Common, she became aware of growling noises emanating from underneath. Suddenly and without warning, two wild-eyed and slavering hamsters broke cover and charged directly at her.

Fortunately, in her youth, Daphne was an enthusiastic member of the Froghill and District Runner Beings and still boasts quite a turn of speed, even now.

On this occasion, she was able to get her head down and sprint for the nearest tree which, as a former member of the Froghill and District Sycamore Scalers, she was able to climb with ease. She then hid in the branches until the rapacious rodents got bored and went off in search of other prey.

However, the matter does not end there.

Later that evening, we received a telephone call from someone identifying himself only as ‘Mac’. While admitting that the animals belonged to him, the rascal had the temerity to insist that, had my wife not been wearing a headscarf with a horseshoe motif, the whole thing might never have happened.

Her assailants, it appears, were a pair of Patagonian Pit Bull Hamsters which, due to centuries of restrictive breeding practices, have pea-sized brains closely resembling those of alligators. This makes them pathologically aggressive, particularly when exposed to artifacts featuring prominent equestrian designs.

In light of this event, I strongly urge Froghill Constabulary to declare a two-week amnesty on all attack rodents registered in the local area. Once handed in, animals should be referred to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust to have their teeth extracted and foam rubber replacements fitted. 

As a further precautionary measure, a time-release reservoir of liquid horse tranquiliser should be surgically inserted into each animal's skull.

That way, perhaps ordinary people will be able to go out for an afternoon walk without running the risk of an alarming and potentially dangerous encounter.

Yours faithfully,

Maj. Redfers Nuthatch (ret'd)