LEGLESS SEAMUS TO FAIL THIS WEEK

Seamus, the dog at the centre of the Cheetingham ski jump case (Observer, April 19) is to be discharged from the Wythering Animal Research Trust earlier than previously announced.

The injured Wolfhound will be transferred to the Froghill Artificial Intelligence Laboratory, where he will undergo extensive modification surgery.

The move follows WART’s discovery that Seamus’ legs are all but useless due to the damage he sustained upon crash landing in a fishpond.

Once at FAIL, his impaired limbs will be removed and state-of-the-art artificial replacements fitted, in a landmark procedure to be carried out this Thursday.

“We can rebuild him,” said Chief Prosthetics Technician, Dr. C.A. Rotwang. “We have the technology.”

The remodelled Seamus will feature four tri-axial wrap skis mounted on telescopic leg struts. These will substantially increase his ability to absorb impact when landing at speed. Each strut will rotate through a full 360º, allowing the animal to take part in slalom as well as regular ski jump events.

When not in use, the skis can be detached and replaced with ultra-light alloy wheels.

High-intensity xenon headlamps, bolted directly into the bone on either side of Seamus’ skull, will permit him to function in conditions of poor or reduced visibility. The necessary electrical power will be supplied by solar panels mounted along the animal’s spine.

“This achievement means more than just superiority on the ski slopes,” said Dr. Rotwang.

“Seamus is just the beginning. There will be more. Many, many more. I tell you, this is the dawning of the age of the Maschinenhunde!” he declared, staring maniacally, flaring his nostrils and striking a dramatic pose.