A 450-year-old
building was reduced to rubble this morning after its load-bearing timbers were destroyed
by an amphetamine-crazed woodpecker.
Borogrove
Cottage, a Grade-1 listed building dating from 1570, collapsed at around 5am, terrifying
neighbours and depositing its sleeping inhabitants onto Wythering High Street.
The woodpecker,
furnished by the promotions company Animals for Publicity and Entertainment
Services (APES), had been hired to advertise cider in the nearby Rising Sun.
“Woody spent
the evening in the Saloon Bar, happily tapping away,” said landlord Graham
Sturbridge, “he made a replacement leg for one of the bar stools out of a log
in the fireplace. The customers loved it.
“As for his
escape, I can only guess that we didn’t fasten the door of his cage properly
when we turned in for the night.”
Footprints
discovered in one of the cubicles suggest that Woody managed to find his way
into the Gents. From there, he flew out of an open window and off down the High
Street.
Landing on
an exterior beam of Borogrove Cottage, the fugitive fowl set to hammering as
never before. Neighbours report being jolted awake by a sound like machine gun
fire.
As Woody single-mindedly
atomised the tinder-dry beams of the cottage, the added strain on the structure
caused the roof to cave in. This then brought the rest of the building, along
with its sleeping occupants, crashing down into the road.
Alarmed by
the noise and the falling debris, Woody took wing and sought refuge in the duck
house on Wythering Pond. He was later rescued by a team from
the Wythering Animal
Rehabilitation Trust.
“When
Woody arrived at our clinic, he was hyperactive, suffering from paranoid
delusions and his beak was bleeding,” said Chief
Veterinary Surgeon, Dr. Mortimer Pluck. “The blood
samples we sent for analysis showed clear traces of amphetamines in his system.”
In a
statement to the Observer, Froghill
Constabulary confirmed that Woody likely ingested the stimulant during his stay
at the Rising Sun.
“We are
aware that the pub toilets are being used for drug-taking purposes. Swabs obtained by officers this morning have tested positive for both dexedrine and
cocaine residues.
“The bird
must have repeatedly licked the top of the toilet cistern, thereby ingesting a
considerable quantity of amphetamines.”
The owners
of the collapsed cottage, Jim and Eileen Wolfit, are undergoing treatment at
the Woodpecker Induced Trauma Unit of Froghill General. Their condition is described as
stable.
Woody is currently
being kept in a padded cell at WART. He will be returned to his owners just as
soon as he has had some sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment