Tuesday, May 7, 2019

ACORN CAUSES GAS BLAST - HUNDREDS INJURED

Over three hundred people received medical treatment yesterday following the explosion and fire which put an abrupt end to The Greening festival on Froghill Common.

The day started ordinarily enough, with record numbers flocking to enjoy the annual May bank holiday celebration. After a display by a troupe of Morris 1100 dancers and music by Hillman and the Imps, the crowd fell to enjoying such traditional pastimes as Bugger the Weasel, Nine Men’s Nob, Shout at the Pig and Arse Roistering.

It was during the Slug and Acorn Slingshot event that things took a turn for the worse. Having previously stretched their slugs to the regulation two feet in length, contestants staked them into the turf and then began firing acorns at the wicker man target.

Not all of the acorns found that target however, with one in particular ricocheting off the backside of a nearby Cocker Spaniel. Yelping in protest, the aggrieved animal broke away from its owner and disappeared into the marquee, where it delivered resident jester, Guillaume the Simple, a bite on the leg.

A shocked Guillaume, standing among the spectators at the Rabbit Shaving competition, dropped his bladder. It burst with a resounding bang, releasing the two thousand Celastrina butterflies which had been stored inside for the closing ceremony.

Startled by the detonation, 2018 champion shaver Derek Moore missed his stroke, accidentally decapitating his neighbour’s rabbit. Last year’s runner-up Clive Cook then retaliated in kind, lunging with his clippers in a vicious counter attack.

This proved too much for Moore, who aimed a fist at Cook’s nose.

The region’s two finest shavers then launched themselves at each other, tumbling to the ground and rolling off into the crowd. Latent animosity flared as two sets of supporters began throwing drinks and trading punches. As the air turned blue with butterflies and swearing, the marquee erupted in a frenzy of long-suppressed rabbit rivalry.

“I was just trying to interest a customer in some alternative puddings, seeing as how we’d run out of Duck Membrane Roulade,” said 46-year-old Ian Willoughby, a volunteer in the Traditional Fayre food tent, “when suddenly there’s all these butterflies flying about and the noise of people shouting and brawling.

“I looked outside at the marquee and it was swaying dangerously.”

No sooner had he popped his head back inside than the marquee pulled its guy ropes and slowly toppled sideways.

The seething mass of canvas landed directly on the food tent, overturning a rack of propane gas bottles in the process. An unguarded hob ensured that the subsequent explosion catapulted festival-goers high into the air and shattered windows in houses as far away as Swansdike.

Emergency services were called and arrived on the scene within minutes. Two fire engines brought the blaze under control while a dozen ambulances ferried the injured to hospital.

Mr Willoughby, who was thrown clear by the blast, woke to find himself entangled in a hawthorn bush, suffering from second-degree burns and Ragwort Stew impregnation.

“I was lucky that bush broke my fall” said the heavily bandaged father of two, speaking to the Observer from his bed in the Festive Burns Unit at Froghill General. “Otherwise, it could have been a lot worse.

“You know, at the end of the day, I never did find out whether that customer fancied my Spotted Dick,” he added.

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