Emergency
services were called to Fanshawe House near Wythering, following an explosion and
fire at around 4pm yesterday afternoon.
The blaze consumed
much of the east wing and was only brought under control some two hours later. The
owner of the house, 96-year-old Emily Fanshawe, widow of industrialist Simon, was
found lying dazed on the back lawn. She was treated at the scene for shock,
minor burns and splattering.
Interviewed
in Froghill General, where she is being kept under observation, Ms. Fanshawe
said: “It was the rats, you see.”
She
continued: “I’ve been having terrible trouble with rats – they gnaw through the
wires and interfere with the television reception. I’ve totally lost the plot
of EastEnders.
“I didn’t
want to use traps or anything inhumane, so I decided to dress up as the Pied
Piper and lure them away. I made myself a tunic and a big, floppy hat and I dug
out an old recorder from when Suzanne was at Bedales.
“I tried
to pipe them across the Wythering Road and into the fields, but nothing
happened. Absolutely nothing at all.”
A rodent
carcass subsequently discovered in the house and examined at the Wythering
Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART), showed the animal to be a Patagonian Deaf
Rat, a rare species born entirely without ears.
“After
that failed, my next idea was to have my Bichon scare them away,” said Ms.
Fanshawe. “Felicity’s only small, so I thought she needed to look a bit more
imposing. Luckily, I found an old helium cylinder that Simon kept for blowing
up balloons at the Summer Ball.
“I slipped the
nozzle down Felicity’s throat and inflated her till she was about seven or
eight times her usual size. I tied her to the back fence for safekeeping but
she kept breaking loose and floating away. I’m terribly sorry for any bother
she caused.”
After episodes involving
a car crash, a strangled dachshund and a shattered window, Ms. Fanshaw realised
that the oversize Felicity was no more successful than the Pied Piper.
“After the
window incident, she was terribly upset and kept barking in that squeaky helium
voice. So I got a tyre lever from the garage and pushed it down her throat to
release all the gas, but I must have slipped or something because suddenly there was
this almighty bang.
“The next thing
I knew, I was lying flat out on the lawn, covered in offal and looking into the
eyes of a fireman who was bending over me.
“He certainly was
a well-built young fellow…..he picked me up with ease,” she added dreamily.
As in The Hound of the Baskervilles, recent events
have proved to be stranger than they were spooky. Be that as it may, readers of
the Observer can now sleep peacefully
in their beds, safe in the knowledge that the ‘Ghost Cow’ will no longer haunt
their dreams, their streets or their gardens.
Ms. Fanshawe
will be discharged from hospital on Friday.
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