LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

I am not usually one to write letters of complaint but I feel I must protest at your coverage of Mayor Bennet’s inauguration of the new manhole cover in Froghill High Street (Observer, May 25). 

Your article gives the impression that his worship’s speech was largely unappreciated by the crowd. Let me assure you that I, for one, very much enjoyed the joke about declaring the manhole ‘open’ and was keen to repeat it to my friend Brian that same evening.

As a dedicated enthusiast, I have measured, photographed and catalogued every manhole cover in and around Froghill, as well as the majority of storm drain gratings. I therefore feel I am qualified to point out an omission, namely, that the new manhole cover is a Scandinavian model, the Centurion 650, manufactured by Great Drane of Denmark. This makes it unique in the local area – all existing covers are 450mm in diameter and domestically produced by Safe-T-Lid Engineering in Long Marston, Buckinghamshire.

I feel that this kind of background information is essential for your readers to properly appreciate and enjoy the latest addition to our town’s infrastructure.

I trust such sloppy journalism will not become a regular feature in what, until now, has always been a reliable and balanced newspaper.

Yours indignantly,

Colin Thrickett,

Cheetingham

MAN SENTENCED IN MAY DAY MAYHEM

A Traubert’s Heath man was handed a suspended prison sentence yesterday after being found guilty of contravening the Almanac Probity Act of 1871.

In an extraordinary session of Froghill Crown Court, Reginald Mellish, proprietor of Cuckooland Calendars Ltd., was given a three-year sentence and fined £10,000 plus costs.

Mellish, 52, of Wendell’s Road, pleaded guilty to one count of gross meteorological inaccuracy and a further three counts of aggravated deception.

The first charge related to a claim in Cuckooland’s 2019 calendar for the Early May Bank Holiday. Under the date May 6th was printed: “It’s Bank Holiday Monday - 120% chance of rain today”. As it transpired, the opposite proved true and the entire 24-hour period remained dry.

“I put it to you,” said presiding judge Neville Silliphant, “that you wilfully exploited commonly-held beliefs about the weather and published information based on precedent rather than prediction. The resulting confusion was both widespread and conducive to public disorder.”

For the charges of aggravated deception, the jury were referred to calendar entries for Whit Sunday, August Bank Holiday and Christmas Day. These read: ‘Earthquakes likely today’, ‘UK to suffer nuclear attack by Bhutan’ and ‘Jesus will emerge from a silver spacecraft this morning, probably near Cirencester’.

“In the light of such callous disregard for human credulity, I have no hesitation in handing down the maximum sentence permitted for these offences,” said Mr. Silliphant, addressing the defendant. “Consider yourself fortunate indeed that I have decided to suspend the prison term.”

Mellish asked for 218 other offences to be taken into consideration.

MANHOLE GAFFE DELIGHTS CROWD

Froghill’s long-awaited new manhole was inaugurated by the Hon. Gordon Bennet in a ribbon-cutting ceremony yesterday afternoon.

The manhole, which will allow entry to three sewer pipes simultaneously, is crowned by a circular cast iron lid, emblazoned with the town’s motto ‘In Frog We Trust’.

“It is emblematic of the rapid progress enjoyed by our town,” said Mayor Bennet, addressing an assembled gathering of over five onlookers, “that we now have the ability to enter multiple sewer pipes from a single access point in the High Street. 

"Make no mistake: in celebrating this one achievement, we are celebrating the greatness of our town and all its people.

“And so, without further ado, I declare this manhole open.”

Suddenly aware of the significance of his words, his worship hastily added: “So let’s get it closed quick in case someone falls down it!”

To a smattering of applause, he then cut the ceremonial ribbon before vigorously shaking a jeroboam of champagne and spraying the crowd with it.

DOLLY THE SHEEP FOUND BY ‘SHEAR’ CHANCE

Dexter Oddbin, who has been missing from the Swansdike Institute for Care and Kindness since May 9th, has been found alive and well.

The 24-year-old, who suffers from the persistent belief that he is Dolly the Sheep, was discovered in a field at Rayling’s Farm yesterday afternoon.

“I was out tending the flocks down in Ebbet’s Field and I saw one sheep that looked a bit odd,” said Stephen Rayling, “her coat was all long and straggly, which was strange, as we’d finished all the shearing by the beginning of this month.

“So, seeing as how I weren’t that busy, I decided I’d give her a quick trim. Imagine my surprise when a voice shouts out ‘Ow, that hurt!’ just as I went in for the second pass with the clippers. Turns out it wasn’t a ewe at all, it was a bloke dressed in three Arran sweaters!”

Mr. Rayling alerted the authorities and Oddbin was taken to Froghill police station while he awaited staff from SICK to come and take him back to his ward.

“He was confused and incoherent,” said Sergeant Harry Parsnip, “when we asked what had happened to the three bags of wool he’d had with him, he muttered something about his master, his dame and some little boy or other.

“I couldn’t make head nor tail of it.”

BLOOMIN’ BRILLIANT! HENRY TAKES FIRST PRIZE

Monday’s regular pub quiz at the Nut Tree in Froghill has been won by a shrub.

Henry, an English Lavender belonging to Cheetingham businessman Alastair Rose, won by a comfortable margin to take the first prize of a bottle of whisky.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes.” said landlord Bill Blocker.

“This customer walked in with a lavender bush in a flowerpot, ordered a pint of bitter and a glass of water. He went to a table, sat down, took out a bottle of Baby Bio, splashed some into the water and poured it into the pot.

“Then he started whispering to the leaves.”

Stranger things were to happen when veteran quizmaster Des Pringle asked his first question. For not only did a small, clear voice immediately pipe up from the foliage beside Mr. Rose, but it got the answer right.

“I’ve had Henry since he was a seedling,” said 42-year-old Mr. Rose, in an exclusive interview with the Observer.

“On the day we got him, my wife and I were driving home from the garden centre when suddenly, this plaintive little voice said: ‘I’m thirsty!’ I nearly had the car off the road.”

As Henry grew, it became clear that not only could he talk, but also that he possessed an enquiring mind.

“People look askance when they see me going through the Periodic Table with a shrub in the front garden,” said Mr. Rose, “but, you know, Henry and I have had some fascinating conversations over the last couple of years. He’s particularly keen on philosophy.

“It was actually his idea to enter the quiz - he reckoned we’d be in with a chance.”

Following his success in the early rounds, Henry hit a run of bad luck as a string of questions left him dumbstruck.

“I was no good on football, Stephen King novels or Radio 2 disc jockeys,” said Henry, speaking for the first time during the interview, “and I lost the lead to old Ted Pickles as a result.

“But then things really started looking up for me. There was a question about the founder of RADA and another one about father and son American presidents.

“And the final question was a gift: name the actor who played Private Pike in Dad’s Army.

“I mean, after all, he’s a distant relative.”

Mr. Rose says that Henry’s winnings will be administered by watering can. Asked how he felt about taking home a litre bottle of Johnny Walker, Henry replied: “Obviously, I’m very pleased to have won and I’m looking forward to being watered.

“However, if truth be told, I would have been much happier with a bottle of Bushmills.”

FROGHILL SISTERS TO SING THE BLUES

The world’s first singing telegram was sent by Western Union back in 1933. In the following decades, the novelty telegram craze spread and, by the 1970s, everything from a bar mitzvah to a birthday could be celebrated in song.

Now, Dolores and Daniella Chirrup, two enterprising sisters from Froghill, have decided to tweak the conventional format and go into business as the singers of bad tidings.

Their new company, A Spoonful Of Sugar, is all set to sweeten the news of exam failures, redundancy, accidents or even murder through the medium of song.

“We came up with the idea after receiving a telegram when our hamster died,” said Dolores. “It just seemed so matter-of-fact and impersonal. We thought there must be a kinder way to do things.

“So we decided to set up an singing  telegram company. Our slogan is ‘We turn tragedy into melody’. We think it’s quite catchy.”

Song prices vary, depending on the nature of the news to be broken. The sisters will serenade you with a traffic fine for £25, a kidnapping for £100 and a death in the family for £150. In the interests of taste and sensitivity, all songs are set to familiar and comforting tunes.

So, should the STD clinic choose A Spoonful Of Sugar to bring your results, this variation on Scarborough Fair will greet you as you open the door:

Remember your blood test to check for the pox?

Well, we’re here to deliver the shocks:

It’s a highly rare strain of gonorrhea,

So it’s antibiotics and lay off the beer.

If you’re looking for an original way to break bad news, A Spoonful Of Sugar can be contacted on 0372 53281 or you can visit their website, www.misfortuneful.co.uk.

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In a news item entitled Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On The Bedpost Over Night)?, we referred to Joshua Rayling, of Rayling’s Farm, as having “only one ball”. That should, of course, have read “only one bull”. We apologise to Mr. Rayling and his family for any offence caused. No suggestion of resemblance to Adolf Hitler was intended.