NEW DEVICE LETS PATIENTS SURF THE WAVES

A cutting-edge treatment for those suffering from Hamilton’s Peristalsis is set to undergo clinical trials at Froghill General next week.

If successful, the treatment will mask the symptoms of a debilitating condition which affects up to one in five people in this country.

Dr. Ann L. Svincter, consultant gastrosurgeon at the hospital’s Semi-Colon Unit, described the new treatment as ground-breaking.

“The new treatment is ground-breaking,” she said.  

Hamilton’s Peristalsis, a condition in which the wave-like motions of the intestinal muscles during digestion are massively exaggerated, causes discomfort and embarrassment to the sufferer. It can strike suddenly and without warning, causing its victim to jerk convulsively and uncontrollably from the waist down.

The cause of the condition is yet to be understood and there is no known cure.

“While we must accept that we cannot cure HP, we can at least offer a palliative to those afflicted with it,” Dr. Svincter told the Observer.

“To this end, we are trialling a device, the PeriTune 500, which aims to tackle the social stigma created by this unfortunate condition.”

It consists of a microscopic USB which has been pre-recorded with a medley of conga tunes. This is connected to a number of motion sensors and a small high-fidelity speaker.

The whole thing is no bigger than a pound coin.

The device is implanted into the patient’s digestive tract during a routine surgical procedure. Once fitted, the PeriTune 500 should cause no more than moderate discomfort.

When its motion sensors detect a peristaltic wave reading of 3 or higher on the Richter Scale, the device is automatically triggered. The patient then effectively ‘broadcasts’ conga music over a 50-yard radius.

Anyone watching will naturally assume that the sufferer’s pelvic jerking is a spontaneous reaction to the infectious dance rhythms.

Asked whether a burst of loud music might not draw even more attention to someone in the throes of an HP episode, Dr. Svincter paused for a moment.

“You know, you might have a point there,” she admitted. “However, any humiliation caused must be set against the fact that it would be bloody funny to watch.”

Clinical trials are scheduled to last three months.