ROADS ARE GETTING LONGER, SAYS FDC

Our roads are getting longer and our towns and villages further apart. That’s the inescapable conclusion of a three-month mensuration project, details of which were released yesterday by Froghill District Council.

“If we compare our new measurements with those of a similar study conducted back in 1970, it appears that average distances have increased by anything up to 52%,’ said Desmond Smalls of the Council’s Job Creation Department. 

The three-month project, which cost £2.5 million of taxpayers’ money, saw over 350 civil engineers on their hands and knees, painstakingly recording the length of local roads using wooden rulers.

“We’ve measured every single one to the inch,” said Mr. Smalls, “and it’s a fact - our roads are quite simply longer than they used to be.”

That statement will come as cold comfort to motorists like Barry Parry of Wythering.

“I’ve been travelling between Wythering, where I live, and Froghill, where I work, for the last 20 years,” Mr. Parry told the Observer, “and, factoring in petrol price inflation over that period, it seems that I’m now spending a lot more than I used to on my daily commute.”

The Council’s findings make for interesting reading. Take Wythering Road, for example: in 1970, it was measured at 10 miles long whereas now, it clocks in at 13.6 miles. The distance between Froghill and Traubert’s Heath shows an even greater increase: from 12.2 miles back then to a whopping 18.5 now.

The phenomenon as a whole can be ascribed to global warming, as tarmac tends to expand when it becomes hotter but not always to contract again as temperatures fall.

“Last year’s scorching summer added a mile or more to local distances in three months alone,” said Mr Smalls, as he adjusted his glasses.

“If global temperatures go on rising like this, things will only get worse,” he added. 

"Should the international target of a maximum 1.5°C rise fail to be achieved, it is probable that the village of Traubert’s Heath will be in Poland by the year 2050.”