LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

I am writing to complain about the inadequate standards of food hygiene in this country. Only the other day, I was chewing a mouthful of Cheezy Bytz when my teeth cracked against something hard. I removed the offending item and, upon examination, discovered that I was looking at a very large piece of bone.

Being something of a paleontology buff, I consulted my Bumper Book of Fascinating Dinosaur Facts just as soon as I got home, only to have my worst suspicions confirmed. It was nothing less than the jaw bone of a Diplodocus.

Now this creature became extinct something like 150 million years ago. Am I, therefore, to assume that my snack was manufactured at the same time? Even if not, how did a sauropod bone find its way into the packet?

This is not the first time I have had an unfortunate experience with packaged food. Last Christmas, I bought a Festive Yule Log from a well-known high street store. Imagine my dismay when I found a live AK47 round inside the icing. Worse still, when my teeth made contact, the bullet detonated. It passed through the roof of my mouth, exited from the top of my skull and lodged in the ceiling. Facial reconstruction surgery and replastering have cost me upwards of £65,000 so far and the damage to my self-confidence is irreparable.

That such sloppy practice should be commonplace in an industry which serves our most basic need is quite simply indefensible.

I therefore urge the readers of your paper to follow my example and stop buying food in all its forms.

Yours indignantly,

Duncan Disawdley

Traubert’s Heath