Sir,
I read your
article The Force
Will Be With You, Says Hardman (Observer, Feb. 28) with increasing
unease. While I’m all in favour of the harshest measures for the thieves who
stole Wythering Pond or the pranksters who put Viagra in the water supply last
Christmas, I really feel I must protest at the Detective Inspector’s proposals.
While the
police have every right to feel safe when on duty, does DI Hardman have any
idea of the destructive capability of laser-guided ballistic missiles? Even the
shortest-range missile has a blast radius of several hundred metres. Firing one
at a fleeing villain in the town centre would effectively vaporise the town
centre along with the villain.
For my
money, the best way to immobilise a miscreant is to bring him down with a
bolas. These are cheap to procure and easy to master – it’s simply a matter of spinning
your balls correctly. Additionally, a bolas is highly accurate over short
distances.
Once
restrained, he (or she, as is increasingly the case in these benighted times)
should be taken to the Mungo Park Road Recycling Centre. After being stripped of
his nether garments, he should have his fundament firmly attached to the inlet
valve of the municipal methane gas generator. There he (or she, etc.) should
stay for a period commensurate with the severity of his (or her, etc.) offence,
exposed to the elements - no pun intended - and fed exclusively on laxative
chocolate. That way, criminals would simultaneously perform a service to community
and suffer for their wrongdoing.
Such
measures would, I am sure, enable our police to quickly ‘get to the bottom’ of
the current crime wave, as well as providing Froghill with a valuable supply of
cheap, renewable energy.
Yours
faithfully,
Sir Hugh
Fyffes-Banana,
Buckshot
Grange,
Swansdike.
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