“What
happened to PC Pymple that night was nothing short of disgraceful,” Detective
Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman told the Observer, “it demonstrated a complete lack of respect for the
police in particular and the law in general. I am determined that such
behaviour will not become the norm.”
From tomorrow,
patrolling officers are to be kitted out in full body armour, comprising
tungsten-carbide sculpted pectorals, ‘Vari-Flex’ rubber biceps and full-face Jason
Voorhees masks.
Laser-guided
ballistic missiles, accurate up to three hundred metres and activated by a button
in the wearer’s groin, will be incorporated into all regulation-issue helmets.
Additional
clout will be provided by voice synthesizer implants, featuring state-of-the-art
‘MagnaVox’ technology from Japan.
“Implants will
require only minor surgery and, consequently, a minimal recuperation period,” said
DI Hardman. “We can expect officers to be back in harness a matter of days
after being fitted with a voice unit. Scarring will be unsightly but not
life-changing.
“The
default setting for each unit will be ‘Dirty Harry’ with a ‘RoboCop’ option for
use in more demanding situations.”
To ensure superior
surveillance capability and increased pursuit speed, known trouble spots are to
be patrolled by officers on high-visibility, turbocharged pogo sticks.
Good to hear the police are again responding appropriately to criminal activity, be it human or animal. Just glad that this "croc-prob" has not, thus far, affected the area of London where I reside. Though, to be honest, I wouldn't shed too many tears were the crocs to target some of the more super-affluent parts of our great capital.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure about having a ballistic missile in one's helmet (especially if one has to grab one's groin to activate it), but the turbocharged pogo sticks sound fantastic! Are they going to be made available to the general public?
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