NO SILENCE PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH

Terry McGear has a unique job - he is this country’s one and only Bedroom Vocaliser. For the last four years, the 33-year-old from Traubert’s Heath has been earning his living by imitating the sounds of love that modern couples are no longer making for themselves. 

“Surprisingly, people these days are becoming more, rather than less, inhibited in the bedroom,” said ex-scaffolder Terry. “Fewer and fewer of my clients are making love with the light on, let alone with wild abandon.

“So that’s where I come in.”

Upon accepting a commission, Terry’s first concern is to ensure that he will be providing a 100% bespoke service. This involves a detailed discussion of each client’s preferences, conducted online or over the phone.

“Some people prefer me just to make rhythmic and inarticulate noises, others request specific exclamations like ‘Yes!’, ‘Oh, my God!’ or ‘There, just there!’ In that way, each job is unique and tailored to the individual.”

As the ‘elephant in the room’, Terry knows that it is essential to be discreet. He arrives at the house after the couple has gone to bed and lets himself in with a key left in a pre-arranged place. He then takes off his shoes.

“I always move in absolute silence. Even though both partners know I’m going to be there, it’s important that my arrival goes unnoticed. Otherwise, I might aggravate any existing inhibitions.” 

 

Upon entering the bedroom, Terry takes up position, crouching behind the curtains or an item of furniture. Though he is unable see his clients, his highly trained ear allows him to detect the small movements that signal the onset of lovemaking. It is then that his virtuoso skills kick in.

“I was in the choir at school,” said Terry, “and have made a point of keeping my voice up to snuff. That, along with regular oral exercise, has given me the ability to moan and sigh in several different octaves.”

This vocal flexibility allows Terry to faithfully mimic both voices during lovemaking, alternating between the two partners with consummate ease.

“Once foreplay has begun, I project my voice and vocalise both clients all the way to climax,” said Terry. “It usually takes between two and three minutes.

“Afterwards, I like to add little comments like ‘You were wonderful, darling’ or something of that nature. Then I wait. Once the sounds of breathing have become regular, I tiptoe out of the room and quietly make my exit.”

In the interests of spontaneity, Terry makes a point of never accepting more than two commissions a night. His services are not cheap, but the £600 per hour he charges makes sure that pressure of work does not compromise the quality of his performance.

“As luck would have it, my experience as a scaffolder has actually come in handy,” said Terry, with a wink. “If nothing else, it means I know a thing or two about getting it up!”

Terry can be contacted on www.groanman.com. Fees quoted in the article are exclusive of VAT.