IT DROPPETH AS THE GENTLE RAIN FROM HEAVEN

For the congregation of St Alfege’s, the Lord really does move in mysterious ways. Last Sunday morning, their prayers were answered in a way they could hardly have hoped for.

The Reverend Lionel Hassock closed his sermon with an appeal in support of the church roof fund. By way of emphasis, he indicated the stream of water that was cascading from above into a bucket by the side of his pulpit.

After the appeal, I led the congregation in the hymn The Lord Will Provide,” said Rev. Hassock, “and we had just reached the line ‘The scripture assures us, the Lord will provide’ when there was a sound that I can only describe as ‘flump’ and which came from directly above our heads.

“Then the stream of water suddenly stopped.”

So astonished was he, that the perplexed pastor abandoned the service and led his flock outside into the rain to discover what had caused the noise.

“Imagine our surprise,” continued the Reverend, “when we looked up to find that a huge tarpaulin had landed on the roof, perfectly covering the area where the water had been getting in.

“Such was our joy that we fell to our knees, there in the churchyard, to thank the Lord for His great bounty.”

This is the most recent in a spate of events which has seen large objects falling on the local area. A little over a week ago, a chunk of HMS Ark Royal landed in a Wythering garden, followed a few days later by an industrial food mixer, which flattened a car on Froghill Common.

Have you had an amusing or unusual experience with falling objects? Then why not share your story with our readers? Email your pitiful efforts to www.froghillobserver.co.uk/duckorgrouse or call our Isaac Newtonline on 0372 55055. Calls cost £372 per minute, standard rate.

OBITUARY

BIGGOT, Adolphus, of Catchpenny Road, Froghill. Passed away, aged 85, after a protracted battle with pernicious hypocrisy. Husband to Ada and father to Vladimir, Hermes, Brooklyn, Dweezil, Moriarty, Xenophon, Hancock, Ladybird, Griselda, Agrippa, Sun-Ra, Tesco, Bang-Bang, Drusilla, Herod, Khyber, Grytpype, Moon Unit, Cruella, Banquo, Heat Exchange, Socrates, Aldi, Everlast, Seasick, Bigfoot, Airduct, Pol-Pot, Satchmo, Gaga, Warhead, Groundhog, Chewbacca, Permafrost, Pullstrip and Brian. 

All funeral enquiries to: Buried Treasures Funeral Directors, Froghill. Tel: 0372 52481.

FOOD MIXER FLATTENS CAR, OCCUPANTS UNHURT

A car parked on Froghill Common was flattened yesterday afternoon after being hit by a falling food mixer.

No-one was injured in the incident though the car, a silver Volvo belonging to George Chitling, CEO of Chitling’s Balls and Brackets, was a write-off.

Bob Buttress, a dog-walker who witnessed the event, said: “I was waiting while Paddy did his business and I noticed this couple getting out of a car about a hundred yards away.

“The woman was obviously very angry and was shouting at the man. He seemed to be pleading with her, trying to calm her down.

“I heard him say something about promising to tell his wife, just not at the moment.

“Then suddenly there was this loud whooshing sound and a big object fell out of the sky. It landed right on top of the car. Hell of a bang it made, knocked the couple clean off their feet.

 “As I was looking for my mobile to call the police, the pair of them picked themselves up off the ground.

“She shouted something about never wanting to see him again as long as she lived and limped off down Swansdike Road.

“He just sat there on the pavement, suit all covered in dust and saying ‘My car, my car’, over and over again.”

The object was later identified as an EasiChef 500, a floor-standing industrial food mixer made of cast iron and weighing around 200 kg.

A police spokesperson, speaking on condition of cash-in-hand payment, said that the mixer showed signs of scorching, similar to that seen on spacecraft after re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.

This is the not the first time that Mr. Chitling’s vehicle has been destroyed in a freak accident. In the early hours of New Year’s Day, a brand new Audi A8 was consumed by fire after sparks from his trousers ignited the fuel tank.

MISSING MAN FOUND SAFE AND WELL

A man who went missing last week has turned up safe and well.

Willy Standing, who left his home last Friday to buy a newspaper, was taken into Froghill Police Station at just after 8 this morning. He was covered in bird droppings, feathers and small animal bones but otherwise appeared to be in good shape.

“He was in a right old mess and he was a bit confused,” said Sergeant Harry Parsnip.

“So we cleaned him up as best we could and gave him a cup of tea, but he seemed to be having trouble getting it down.

"Then he sicked up a vole.”

Standing, 54, of Bessels Close, Cheetingham, later told police that he had been abducted by birds of prey while on his way to the newsagent.

He recounted how a pair of white-tailed eagles had swooped down and grasped him by the shoulders, lifting him off his feet and carrying him away.

They took him to their nest in an oak tree on Traubert’s Heath.

Once there, he was kept captive by the birds, who fed him beak to mouth and seemed intent on raising him as if he were their own chick.

Mr Standing was discovered early this morning by an ornithologist, who alerted the police after spotting a limp hand hanging out of the nest.

Rita Standing, told by the Observer of her husband’s ordeal, said: “Eagles? What again? 

"That's the third time in the last two years.”

ROYAL PAYS LOCAL MAN A FLYING VISIT

An unexpected sight awaited Wythering resident Roy Barrowman as he opened the curtains yesterday morning. For there, smack in the middle of his front lawn, was a large chunk of metal with his name written across it.

“I’m pretty certain it wasn’t there when I went to bed on Friday night,” the retired sausage handler told the Observer, “because I’m sure I would have noticed it.

“So you can imagine my surprise when I looked out of the window to see this great grey thing with the letters ROY on it, sticking out of the front garden.

“Now I did think I heard a thud during the night,” he said, “but I put it down to a dream I was having about anvils.”

Unsure what to do about the situation, Roy phoned the police who, in turn, appealed to the Froghill Institute for Social History for assistance.

“It’s not really my area of expertise,” said FISH head Dr. Crispin Mortlake after an examination of the 10-by-16-foot metal sheet, “but judging by its thickness, colour and the presence of rivets, I would suggest that it’s a piece of a ship.

“Moreover, given that the three stenciled letters almost certainly form part of a longer word, I conclude that this is a fragment from the bow section of HMS Ark Royal.

“The depth to which it penetrated the soil suggests that it must have fallen from a considerable height,” Dr. Mortlake added.

“Mr. Barrowman is exceedingly lucky it didn’t land on his house.”

Asked what he intended to do with the huge and unexpected addition to his garden, the 79-year-old said he wasn’t yet sure.

“I’m not yet sure,” he said, “though I might turn it into a water feature. After all, it’s got my name on it and no-one else in the street has one.

“But that’s not my main worry at the moment,” said Roy, “because the cat didn’t come home yesterday and I can’t think where he might have got to.

“The last time I remember seeing him was the night before last, when he was out on the front lawn, playing with one of my old surgical supports.”

USAIN BOLT SAVES WOMAN IN PANCAKE ORDEAL

A Swansdike woman is recovering in hospital today after a traumatic near-death experience with a pancake.

Evie Jemlettis, of Squinting Lane, was in the kitchen yesterday making pancakes, when a routine toss went badly wrong.

“I flipped the pancake into the air, just as I always do, but instead of falling back into the pan, it fell on me,” said Evie, from her hospital bed.

The pancake landed on her head, moulding itself instantly to her face and forming a hermetic seal over her nose and mouth. Unconsciousness followed and Evie fell to the ground, just minutes away from death by asphyxiation.

It was then that family pet Usain Bolt, who was in the kitchen with her, took the action that was to save her life.

“We named him Usain Bolt because he was always running everywhere as a puppy,” explained Evie’s husband Ted.

Seeing his mistress lying motionless on the floor, the doughty dachshund realised that something had gone terribly wrong.

“He rushed to the telephone in the hall, knocked the receiver off its cradle with his nose and then hit the speed dial button,” said Ted.

Exotica enthusiast Ted was in the garden shed, looking through some old magazines he’d collected as a teenager. Puzzled at receiving a call from home on his mobile, he answered immediately. 

“I could hear Usain barking on the other end and immediately knew that something was amiss,” the 43-year-old told the Observer.

“Luckily, one of the things they taught him at obedience school was to bark twice in response to the question: ‘Is this by any chance a pancake-related, life-threatening emergency?’

“So when he barked twice in quick succession, I was off down the garden faster than the real Usain Bolt!”

Emergency services were called and arrived within seconds, paramedics performing the Schwarzenegger Manoeuvre on Evie as she lay on the kitchen floor. Only just conscious, she was then rushed to the Anti-Batter Unit at Froghill General.

“It was touch and go there for a while,” said a grateful Ted, as he sat by his wife’s bedside, “Evie wouldn’t be here now had it not been for Usain’s quick-thinking.”

Asked whether she would ever be cooking pancakes for the family again, Evie smiled weakly and shook her head.

“No, I don’t think so,” she said. “I think it’s time to admit that I’m a useless tosser.”

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in yesterday’s edition of the Observer. In a report from the Wythering Annual Flower Show, we stated that “the judges were favourably impressed by George Mackerel’s beautifully furled pink penis”. That should, of course, have read “beautifully furled pink peonies”. We apologise to Mr. Mackerel and his family for any offence caused.