Durwood
‘Doc’ Pigeon, whose HydroVac 2000 vehicle desiccator is being trialled as we go
to press, is hardly a man to rest on his laurels.
Work
on his next – and easily most ambitious – project is already nearing completion.
“I’m
going to send my pet guinea pig to the moon,” the jubilant inventor told the Observer yesterday.
“To
the best of my knowledge, nobody’s ever attempted it before, so Lawrence will
be a guinea pig in every sense of the word.
“The
idea came to me after I successfully fired a Burmese cat across the Channel
last year. It made a reasonably soft landing on a greenhouse roof and now lives
with a family in Deauville.
“They
write to me sometimes, but they tend to sound a bit resentful,” he added.
In
preparation for the trip, Lawrence will be placed inside a Ziploc bag stuffed
with vitamin-enriched hay. This will serve as both food and bedding during
the voyage. Once he’s safely inside, the bag will be pumped full of oxygen and
sealed.
With
the bag secured, half a dozen cardboard tubes, each packed with a mix of gunpowder
and barbecue briquettes, will be fitted into place around Lawrence’s body, using
a large industrial elastic band.
“All
six fuses will be lit simultaneously then, as they start fizzing, I’ll propel Lawrence
into the air with the same catapult I used for the cat.
“As
the force from the catapult is boosted by the ignition of the fuel, the whole
thing should go critical and achieve escape velocity,” said Doc.
Once
out in space, zero gravity conditions will cause the elastic band to slacken, allowing
Lawrence to jettison the tubes by wriggling inside the bag. From then on, the 240,000-mile
journey should take around two weeks.
“Lawrence
has undergone rigorous mental and physical training to prepare for this,” said
Doc, glancing affectionately at the impressively muscular rodent.
“Landing,
in particular, will require him to exercise absolute discipline and
split-second timing.”
By
the time Lawrence begins his lunar descent, both oxygen and hay will be all but
depleted, leaving little in reserve to absorb the impact. It is therefore crucial
that he quickly creates a cushion of air around himself, to avoid a potentially
fatal crash landing.
As
the spacecraft enters the moon’s atmosphere, a small onboard cassette machine
will click into play. The recorded instruction ‘Breathe! Breathe!’ will repeat at
three-second intervals, prompting the cavy cosmonaut to massively increase his
respiratory rate. His accelerated exhalations should fully inflate the bag and allow
him to make a soft landing.
“I
trained him inside a beach ball, connected to the hose of an old cylinder
vacuum cleaner I’d found in the loft,” explained Doc. “As I shouted the command
to breathe, I’d turn on the cleaner and suck the oxygen out of the ball.
“When
I was satisfied that he was exhaling at maximum rate, I would throw the ball down
onto a mattress, to simulate the bump of landing in the Sea of Tranquility.
“We’ve
done everything we can and he’s 100% flight-ready. The only thing now is to
wait until the beginning of the next lunar cycle, so the moon will be full when
he arrives.
“That
way, he should have the maximum surface area to aim for.”
When
asked by the Observer how Lawrence
would be getting back to Earth, Doc stopped speaking for a moment and looked
pensive.
“Do
you know, I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted.
“But
Lawrence is a resourceful little chap – he's bound to come up with something.”
