Traffic was
brought to a standstill yesterday following an impromptu personal appearance by Jacob
Raynboe-Trowte, MP for Froghill.
Onlookers stared
open-mouthed as Mr. Raynboe-Trowte, red-faced and breathing heavily, was seen
to run pell-mell down Dinsdale Road.
More
unusual still, the veteran MP was entirely naked.
“What with
parliament being suspended, I thought this an ideal opportunity to spend time
with my constituents,” said Mr. Raynboe-Trowte from his hospital bed, “and I
was busy drumming up support with some of our dedicated workers in the health
service.”
The Observer has learned that the workers in
question were in fact employees of a noted town-centre spa and massage establishment.
“He’s my
regular, is Mr. Jacob, he always asks for me” said Lola, 26-year-old therapist
at Dinsdale Road’s Whole Lotta Rub, “he usually comes on a Saturday afternoon,
if you take my meaning.”
When put
to him that his use of the term ‘health service’ was a trifle misleading in
this context, Mr. Raynboe-Trowte smiled weakly and replied: “OK, fair cop, you’ve
got me there.
“However,
I do find that a good massage helps relieve the stress and tension of a long
week in the Commons.
“Anyway,”
he continued, “I’d booked in with Lola last Saturday and was lying on the
massage table, waiting while she was off warming her hands.
“I heard a
slithering noise near the door and then felt this firm, sensual pressure slowly
sliding up my body. I remember thinking it very erotic and that I ought to be extra
generous with the tip this week.
“She applied
a little more weight and I began finding it rather difficult to breathe. Then
she wrapped one arm around my abdomen and started squeezing really very hard
indeed.
“And then
something warm and dry tickled my ear.”
That
‘something’ was in fact a tongue and it belonged to Monty, the fifteen-foot Reticulated
Python, whose escape from Polly’s Pets in Station Approach was reported in
these pages a little over a week ago.
“I looked
round and there was this bloody snake, staring straight into my face and
flicking its tongue at me.
“I tried
to shout for help but I couldn’t, it was squeezing me too tightly, so I reached for the
vibro-massager and bashed it on the head.
“That
loosened things up a bit, so I wriggled free and got out of there, pretty damn quick,”
said Mr. Raynboe-Trowte.
As he burst
out of the door and ran screaming down Dinsdale Road, the panic-stricken MP’s
towel dropped away, revealing an elephant’s face and ears drawn in lipstick around
his private parts.
A
passer-by, realising that this probably wasn’t a Conservative party fundraiser after
all, put down her shopping and called the police.
The
emergency services arrived within minutes and a police marksman promptly shot the
naked MP in the buttock with a powerful tranquiliser dart.
As Mr.
Raynboe-Trowte tottered and then passed out across the bonnet of a car, paramedics
were on hand to stretcher him into an ambulance.
He was taken
to the Accidental Constriction Unit at Froghill General, where he is expected
to make a full and complete recovery.
Monty was tracked down and captured by a snake handler from the Wythering Animal
Research Trust.
“Reptiles
are cold-blooded creatures and Monty most likely chose the massage parlour
because it’s a warm environment,” said Dr. Mortimer Pluck, Chief Veterinary
Surgeon at WART.
“Though
most people wouldn’t credit it, pythons are sensitive creatures and they get
stressed easily. When Monty came to us yesterday afternoon he was in a state of
considerable shock.
“We are
currently holding him in an isolation tank so he can relax and ‘unwind’.
“That’s a
joke, by the way,” he added, before informing us that he was a busy man and
walking briskly away.
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