THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Complete Dinner Set. Floral pattern with inset scenes of Dutch slaughterhouses. £25. Delft Lundgren, 0163 66491.

Jumbo Jigsaw Puzzle, depicting English country cottage with thatched roof. Most pieces missing, hence low price of £750. Nick Knax, 0372 55173.

Memory stick. Nine inches long, no bushy outgrowths. Remembers everything between the years 1990 and 2019. A must for your next party. £140. Phone 0159 2821, ask for Twiggy.

Brexit helmet. Hard. Protects you and your family, come what may. Made in the UK. £39 billion, ono. Deal? B. Johnson, London, SW1A 2AA.

Anaconda. 20ft long, answers to the name of Fluffy. Very affectionate - loves nothing better than to curl up with you. Good with children. Free to a caring home. Call in at Rayling’s Farm. 

Erotickle Deluxe condom. Pork chop flavour, no stress marks. Used once only. £120. Prof. E. Lactik, 0372 52671.

Assorted Wigs. Side-parted, mousy colour. Also Donald Duck costume, full body coverage, includes hat and webbed feet. Some posterior staining. E. John, Windsor, Berkshire (for directions, ask at the Carpenter’s Arms in Market Street).

Nut, Screws, Washer and Bolts. Would suit mechanic or tabloid journalist covering story of lunatic having sex in a laundry and then running away. A. Hack, 0165 8257.

Teach Yourself Amputation. Easy to follow surgical instruction manual. Many colour illustrations. Wipe clean cover, laminated pages. Miss N. Lim, 0372 59146, after 6pm.

50 Pence Piece. Heptagonal. Found on bus. Offers? R.G. Bargie, 0163 7136.

Offal. 10 tons, mainly lungs, some kidneys. Unwanted birthday gift. £600 or would consider exchange for holiday villa in Rimini. 0161 4082, ask for Macaroni Jim.

Toothbrush. Pink, angled head, medium hard bristle. Made in 2011. One careful owner. £1.50. Ruth D. Kaye, 0372 51471.

Little Rocket Man Glove Puppet. Grey uniform, silly haircut, chubby cheeks. Face lights up as you insert your hand. D. Trump, Box 1, USA.

SERVICES

Uncle Henry. Children’s entertainer. Balloon sculpture, rotating balls, hands-free levitation trick – televised. 0161 4321.

Wash and Brush Up. How far up? You decide! Complete service includes soap, towels, brush, baby oil, clamps and safeword. Arsène Dopen 0372 57520.