HOW THE FALLEN ARE MIGHTY

A group of local meteorology enthusiasts has an explanation for the mystery objects which have been falling onto Froghill.

As reported exclusively in these pages, a sheet of metal, an industrial food mixer and a large tarpaulin have all recently landed in the area.

Weather wizard Zoe ‘Stormy’ Daniels, founder member of the Froghill Amateur Meteorologists Incorporating the Swansdike Heralds of Environmental Disaster (FAMISHED), told the Observer that it’s all down to climate change.

“It’s all down to climate change,” she said.

“The heating of the world’s oceans is creating a phenomenon known as El Embudo, a Spanish term which translates into English as ‘The Funnel’.”

According to Ms. Daniels, global warming leads to the formation of narrow columns of superheated air, high up in the Earth’s atmosphere. Once formed, these columns slowly sink earthwards. Should one make landfall, it will be easily be powerful enough to suck up anything in its path.

Rising thermals then propel the Funnel and its contents upward. As it reaches cooler air, its retentive power weakens. Anything it has collected is then released and falls back to earth.

“A major Funnel Event was observed over the town of Aliağa in Izmir earlier this month,” said the 24-year-old Ms. Daniels.

“We referred this fact to the Froghill Institute for Social History, who informed us that Aliağa is where HMS Ark Royal was taken to be scrapped, back in 2013.”

Working in close cooperation, a joint FAMISHED-FISH team has concluded that our recent ‘droppings’ were in fact component parts of the defunct carrier, picked up by the Funnel in Turkey.

“We have no idea why Froghill should have been the dumping ground,” said Ms. Daniels, “we have yet to understand precisely how Funnels travel or when they release their load.

“However, what happened here is a far from isolated incident.

“For example, a large number of ironing boards dropped out of the clouds and crashed onto a village school in East Timor last March.

“Two weeks later, a herd of Texas Longhorn cattle suddenly landed in a water park in Boksburg, South Africa.

“And just last month, a yurt full of adventure tourists was swept up from Mongolia and deposited in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

“As luck would have it, the tourists were actually from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, so El Embudo saved them the trouble of catching their flight home.”