TOP TIPS FOR KEEPING WARM THIS WINTER

The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow. And with today's fuel costs being what they are, that’s a chilling prospect. So here are ten simple tips for beating the freeze without freezing your assets.

1.     Every schoolchild knows that keeping warm is all about layers. So why not create as many as you can by wearing all the clothing you own at the same time? This will not only keep out the cold, it will prevent you from injury when you fall over which, due to your bulbous shape and impaired mobility, you almost certainly will. For added safety, wear a helmet to protect the head.

2.     Stop washing. Once again, we’re talking layers. A coating of dirt is an excellent insulator, and doubly effective beneath all those clothes. So for added warmth, remember - showers are not forecast until April!

3.   Wrap cling film around your head and body, making sure to use a complete roll in the process. Keep the wrapping loose, particularly around the nose and mouth, to avoid suffocation. The carbon dioxide you exhale will be trapped by the cling film, circulating around the body with ‘every breath you take’.

4.    This tip won’t cost you a mint - but it will require you to buy some. Choose extra strong mints, for preference. Pop a couple into your mouth and suck them until they get hot. Then stick out your tongue. Hey presto! The room will be as warm as toast in no time!

5.     Loosely bind your ankles with duct tape. This will cause your thighs to rub together and produce heat as you walk. While you’re at it, why not put on a black frock coat over a white shirt and slip a pair of flippers onto your feet? With the addition of a fish in your mouth, you’ll keep the family amused for hours during those long winter evenings.

6.   Keep leftover packs of desiccating agent from medicine bottles and food cartons. Heat is generated as a by-product of the dehydration process, so just swallow a pack, drink a glass of water and soon you’ll be experiencing a warm inner glow. Silica, the active ingredient in each pack, is a gel-like substance that is nearly always non-toxic.

7.    Lie on your back, with your legs at a 45-degree angle and your feet flat on the floor. Now push forcefully with your heels to propel yourself across the carpet, taking care not to hit your head on the opposite wall. The friction produced will cause a significant build-up of heat in a very short time. Not advisable when naked.

8.     Most supermarkets offer sizeable discounts on food items which are near, or past, their sell-by date. Ideal for our purposes are all kinds of meat, fish and dairy products. Store your purchases in a warm airing cupboard for at least a month before consuming. The ensuing diarrhoea and vomiting will lead to rapid and substantial weight loss. This will decrease the surface area of your body - and less you means less to get cold!

9.   It’s a scientific fact that bovine flatulence produces methane, a flammable natural gas. So next time you’re out for a walk, remember to take a Kilner jar with you. When you come across a herd of cows, take time to listen, as cattle tend to ‘let go’ at the same time. At the first hint of a raspberry, run for the nearest cow, immobilise its back legs with one arm and press the jar against its rear end with the other. When the jar is full, simply clamp it shut. You now have a free and natural source of warmth - but that’s not all! Methane burns with an attractive blue flame and will lighten up, as well as liven up, any dinner party. So next time you have friends around, why not break out the methane and turn out the lights? You’ll not only have saved the evening, you’ll have saved on your fuel bills, too!

10.  Scotch bonnet chilies are cheap, readily available and extremely hot. Take one chili per person and cut it in half lengthwise. Do not remove the membrane or the seeds. Now take each half and rub it vigorously into your eyes. This won’t warm you up, but it will result in such intense pain that you’ll completely forget how cold you are.

Do you have any practical tips for keeping warm this winter? Then why not share them with our readers? Email your suggestions to www.froghillobserver.co.uk/cheapskate or call our Cold hotline on 0372 55055. Calls cost £372 per minute, standard rate.