PUFFS IN YOUR PANTS AFTER BREXIT

From the stockpiling of medicines to the price of fish, Brexit is affecting every aspect of our daily lives.

Yet a remaining grey area, should we crash out with No Deal, is that of how the UK will be able to safeguard current European levels of underwear cleanliness.

Froghill Health Authority has decided to take action on the issue, ahead of March 29^th, putting in place new legislation based on existing EU hygiene standards. This legislation is to be enforced by a ‘hands-on’ policing policy.

From tomorrow, a new, elite team of officers will be arriving at Froghill police station. The Pants and Underwear Fragrance and Freshness Squad (PUFFS) comprises 12 men and women, each chosen for their highly developed sense of smell.

To qualify as squad members, officers must undergo a rigorous training regime, similar to that required of a sommelier. They should be able to identify a range of odours under ‘blind testing’ conditions and are required to spend a two-week period wearing full-face helmets packed with used undergarments.

From February 1^st, PUFFS teams will have the power to stop and sniff at random. Inspections will involve officers donning blindfolds, crouching down and inhaling groinal scents for up to 30 seconds at a time.

Penalties will range from an on-the-spot wire brush and Dettol scrub for a first offence, to a maximum of five years’ hard laundry for repeat offenders.

“You could say that we will be operating a ‘crack’ team,” said Detective Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, before adding: “that was just my little joke.”    

Details of the new FHA legislation are available online at www.froghealth.gov.uk/europants

WRITER SHINES LIGHT ON ONANIST

A new biography, released to mark the 20^th anniversary of his death, will reveal the private man behind the public face of celebrated Froghill onanist Harold Bentley.

Taking Himself In Hand, by journalist Phillip Hack, is published next week by Offthewrist Press, price £14.95. It chronicles the life of a quiet and withdrawn man, who was fond of playing the oboe and collecting vintage bus tyres. He was married for 35 years to Eileen, a dipsomaniac heiress who routinely drank two or three gallons of beer at breakfast.

The lavishly illustrated, 420-page book charts the development of onanism from solitary bedtime activity to international competition event. It also paints a vivid picture of the sport’s most unlikely champion.

Bentley shot to worldwide fame in the 1976 Montreal Olympics, when he took gold in both the men’s backhand and freestyle events. Over the next two decades, the Froghill athlete went on to become a household name. A regular on our TV screens, he lent his name to everything from hosepipes to pig worming tablets. Yet Hack’s portrait is that of a shy man, who shunned the spotlight and was embarrassed by the wealth and success that onanism was to bring him.

Harold Bentley passed away peacefully at his Froghill home, on February 4th, 1999. He was 83. He died a year to the day after his beloved Eileen, who perished during an attempt to rewire their swimming pool after breakfast.

Hack’s biography is an achingly human portrayal of a remarkable and dedicated man. It will captivate both career onanists and amateurs alike.

WYTHERING POND FOUND IN TOILET

Wythering Pond, which disappeared nearly a week ago and was subject to a ransom demand of £150,000, has been found in a toilet. 

Two men, aged 21 and 19, have been taken into custody and charged with unlawful abduction and wilful damage to a small wooden building.

The missing body of water was recovered during a dawn raid by Froghill police on an address in Swansdike this morning. The pond had been almost completely drained, rolled up into a tube and secured with elastic bands, before being stuffed into a Happy Shopper bag and hidden in the toilet cistern.

The police response came after a tip-off from a resident in the same block of flats. 

“I noticed water trickling down the stairs yesterday – it seemed to be coming from the top floor flat,” said neighbour and part-time strippergram Reg Fidgett. “What really aroused my suspicions was the strong smell of milfoil in the air, as well as the deposits of silt and traces of duck excrement on the stair carpet.”

In a bedroom at the same premises, police discovered 74 park benches, eight sets of temporary traffic lights, two bus stops and a pedestrian crossing, presumed to be the one stolen from Kidneystone Lane last October.

The pond is reported as being in a weakened but stable condition. It has been taken to the Froghill Regional Aquatic Nurture, Treatment and Internment Centre (FRANTIC) for refilling and for repairs to the duck house roof.

In the course of their investigations, police also found a discarded note in a waste bin. It was dated December 24^th and requested Santa Claus to leave a hundred and fifty thousand pounds in used notes and a Dinky Toy helicopter.

“Judging from the handwriting, it appears that we are dealing with people of reduced maturity,” said Detective Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman.

“Everyone over the age of nine knows that Santa Claus hardly ever delivers cash and certainly never in used notes.”

HAYLEY IN THE CLUB AFTER FESTIVAL WIN

A Swansdike teenager has won first prize on the final evening of the Froghill Arts and Music Festival on Thursday.

Hayley Grote pocketed the £2000 winner’s cheque for an original song about existential angst.

Nineteen-year-old Hayley, a trainee hygienist at the Pearly Gates dental laboratory, wowed the panel of judges with her self-penned ballad (I'm Just) Like a Hamster in a Wheel. The lyrics are set to the tune of Metallica's classic Enter Sandman, which Hayley arranged especially for kazoo and triangle.

Said chief judge Redfers Nuthatch: “Personally, I like my rodents to be skewered and then flame-grilled. But Hayley’s performance was so imbued with emotion that it quite won me over.”

Asked what she would use the prize money for, a jubilant Hayley replied: “I'm not quite sure – it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

“But I think I might go seal clubbing in Canada.”

BEETLE MAN IN ELEPHANT SEX ORDEAL

A local man is in hospital after a terrifying ordeal which left him suffering concussion and spinal injuries.

It all started as a day of celebration, with Martin Cavendish of Lark Rise, Cheetingham, taking his son Ezra to Whipsnade Zoo for the lad’s sixth birthday on Monday.

“We’d seen the penguins, the lions and the chimpanzees,” recalled Mr. Cavendish, soon after regaining consciousness, “and our last port of call was the elephants.”

While Ezra ran off to buy an ice cream, his father stood watching by the enclosure fence. Being thus preoccupied, Mr. Cavendish failed to notice a female elephant, just a few feet away, who was in the process of lifting her tail. As she started relieving herself, the elephant sneezed, leading to a sudden projectile shower which covered Mr. Cavendish from head to foot.

 “I was absolutely soaked,” said Mr. Cavendish. “My new jacket was ruined. I had to put it in the boot of the car, it stank so badly.”

Their visit cut short, father and son got into their VW convertible to drive home. What neither knew was that the animal who had spoiled their afternoon was on heat.

After dropping off Ezra at the McDonald’s in Froghill High Street for a birthday party with his friends, Mr. Cavendish went to his home in Catchpenny Road for a shower and a change of clothes.

At that same time, Zeferelli’s Circus, which had arrived in town that morning, was setting up its tents on Froghill Common. Amid all the noise and activity, nobody noticed Leopold the elephant, who was quietly pushing open the door of his cage.

“Someone must have forgotten to lock it after feeding time,” said owner Enzo Zeferelli. “He’s a clever boy, is Leopold. Very good at escaping. Last time he got away, we found him drunk in a pub cellar with a cigar in his trunk. We never worked out how he managed to light it.”

Leaving home again, Mr. Cavendish got back into the car to rejoin Ezra. He drove into town and parked the VW in Beech Rise, one of several roads leading off the Common.

“I’d just turned off the ignition when I heard this trumpeting sound, a terrific bang and then suddenly the whole car lurched forward,” said Mr. Cavendish. “This was followed by a ripping noise and then something meaty and hard hit me in the head.”

Leopold, who had been crossing the Common, had picked up the scent of in-season female coming from the car boot. Trumpeting loudly, the 9,000 lb. jumbo charged the vehicle and mounted it from behind. His first thrust tore open the canvas roof, entering the passenger cabin and hitting Mr. Cavendish.

Leopold’s rhythmic thrusting pressed Mr. Cavendish’s face into the steering wheel, repeatedly sounding the car horn. The recurrent honking brought curious neighbours to their windows.

“I thought it was a car alarm,” said Beech Rise resident Ellie Mansell.

“Imagine my surprise when I looked through the curtains and saw an elephant on top of a car! He was certainly going at it, though the poor man inside was clearly having a terrible time, what with his head going back and forth like that.”

Police marksmen, clad in elephant-proof body armour, arrived on the scene soon after. Use of weapons proved unnecessary, however, as Leopold had by this time climaxed and flooded the car. Lying across the crumpled vehicle, the spent animal was breathing heavily and plucking privet from a nearby hedge. He was led away by his keeper and is currently being treated for Repetitive Strain Injury and genital chafing at the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART).

The unconscious Mr. Cavendish, who was lucky not to be drowned in his seat, was rushed to the Pachyderm Injuries Unit of Froghill General, where he was immediately hosed down with industrial-strength disinfectant. He was then fitted with a tungsten-carbide neck brace and placed in traction.

Dr. Carole Snappet, orthopaedic specialist at the PIU, told the Observer that Mr. Cavendish will be kept under observation for at least a week.

“He’s received a severe shock, as well as a considerable battering,” said Dr Snappet. “I mean, I’ve heard of getting a stiff neck, but this is ridiculous!”

MISSING POND RANSOM INCREASE, COPTER DEMAND

The ransom for the safe return of Wythering pond, which vanished during the small hours of Tuesday, January 15, has been tripled to £150,000, the Observer can reveal.

A new ransom note, crudely stenciled and tied to a brick, was thrown through the front window of Froghill police station in the early hours of this morning. It sets out the terms of the new demand and is signed ‘The Tadpole Collective’. Accompanying the note was a photograph of the pond with a copy of today’s Daily Mirror propped up on the duck house. The photo appears to have been taken in a bathroom. The pond, while seemingly in good health, is looking a little drained.

“The first part comes as no great surprise,” said Detective Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, who is heading up the investigation. “Ransom demands usually increase with the passage of time.

“And while calling for a helicopter is common in hostage situations, in a case like this it is somewhat unusual.”

The helicopter in question is a twin rotor Bristol 173, 70 mm long and manufactured by Dinky Toys in 1961. It is posted on eBay, priced £57, and offered for sale by a collector in Preston, Lancashire. The toy is in mint condition and comes complete with its original box.

The note informs the police that they have one week to supply both the money and the model aircraft. It does not specify what will happen should the deadline be missed.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Sir,

Squirrels cause a great deal of destruction at this time of year, as they come into our gardens looking for food. However, instead of shooting them, why not catch them alive? Simple and humane traps are readily and cheaply available from Cull of Nature in Beech Street.

However, upon snaring these pests, do not release them straight back into the wild. This will only encourage the little blighters to proliferate!

Personally, I recommend plunging both trap and contents into a large container of water. Pop this onto the gas and then bring the water to the boil. Don't forget to add a little caustic soda, as this will help with removing the pelt later on.

Half an hour’s vigorous boiling ensures that the animal is not only dead, but that it can easily be stripped, all in one go. (Keep the pelt, by the way, as it will turn the ordinary jockstrap into something quite special.)

After rubbing the carcass with garlic and meat tenderiser, I transfer it to a cast iron frying pan and cook it on a high heat for around 10 minutes.

I find that seared squirrel goes perfectly with new potatoes and fresh green beans. Set the whole thing off with a sprig of rosemary and there you have it.

Bon appetit!

Yours faithfully,

Maj. Redfers Nuthatch (ret'd),

The Laurels,

Froghill.

BAFFLED POLICE LOOKING INTO HOLE

Police are investigating the apparent theft of Wythering pond, which occurred during the small hours of Tuesday morning.

The celebrated duck pond disappeared sometime between pub closing on Monday and the first bus to Froghill at 5.45 the following morning. In its place is now a large hole, several hundreds of feet deep, which is in the process of being fenced off by members of the Royal Engineers.

“It was there when I locked up on Monday night,” said Graham Sturbridge, landlord of the nearby Rising Sun, “and then, on Tuesday morning, we woke up to find it gone.

“When my wife went down to open the front door, she found six ducks on our doorstep, quacking piteously. They had nowhere to go, so we’ve put them in the bath. She feeds them with worms from her mouth.”

Several vehicles had already driven into the hole by first light on Tuesday, necessitating the use of heavy lifting gear to pull them out. One is reported as still missing. A specialist sniffer dog team is being flown in from Switzerland to search for the missing vehicle.

Motorists are being advised to avoid the centre of Wythering unless absolutely necessary, as the pond area is to be cordoned off while the investigation is ongoing.

“We really have very little to go on at the moment,” said Detective Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman of Froghill Police. “At first we thought it was kids, but then we found a ransom note tied to a nearby lamp-post, demanding £50,000 for the pond’s return.

“We are treating the incident as kidnapping.”

Anyone who has any information about the pond’s whereabouts should contact Froghill Police on 0372 51111. Calls may be recorded for entertainment purposes.

OBITUARY

GASPER, Ronald, of Waverley Crescent, Cheetingham. Passed away, aged 97, in the small hours of Monday morning, following an accident with a foot pump and a slice of pizza. Husband to Doris and father to Eileen. He was a lovely man, with a twinkle in his eye and a bicycle in the shed. All funeral enquiries to: Buried Treasures Funeral Directors, Froghill. Tel: 0372 52481.

NEW YEAR, NEW LOOK, NEW YOU!

Christmas is gone and spring is still an age away. And the last thing you need in these dark days is hair which looks as dreary and grey as the skies above. Yet professional hair colouring is expensive and those touch-ups can soon mount up. So what’s the secret to looking a million dollars without spending it?

“It’s easy,” says Bernice Gudgeon, chief stylist at Kutz in Dial Street, “there’s a cheap and natural way to keep the grey - and the blues – away for good!”

First, advises Bernice, you should wash your hair in a quality moisturising shampoo. Make sure to get rid of all traces of residue by rinsing well, toweling dry and then rubbing your head vigorously with a coarse grade sandpaper.

Next, choose a tin of shoe polish that corresponds to the colour you would like to be. Dip in a fine bristle shoe brush and apply polish along the hair strands, starting at the roots and working through to the ends. This is best done in front of a mirror, to ensure even coverage. Leave to ‘take’ for 15 minutes before combing into your preferred style.

While you are waiting, turn on the oven, set at 200°C, or gas mark 6, and allow to heat up.

Now for the most important step: fixing the colour. Open a can of yacht varnish and, using a 12mm laminating brush, coat the hair evenly, starting at the crown and working outwards. Take care not to disturb the lines of your chosen hairstyle.

When your head is thoroughly coated in varnish, pop your head into the oven for eight to ten minutes, or until your hair is dry to the touch. If using a microwave, be sure to put Vaseline on both cheeks in order to avoid friction burns from the revolving turntable.

Now all you need do is smile as your friends pay you compliments on your new, youthful look - and only you and Bernice will know how it’s done!

BLISSED-OUT BADGERS IN BUMPER BABY BONANZA

Scientists at the Traubert’s Hill Institute for Conservational Knowledge (THICK) believe they have solved the riddle of the unusually high number of badger cubs born this winter.

Soil samples from Traubert’s Heath have tested positive for extraordinarily high levels of the illegal drug Ecstasy.

Well-known as a haven for badgers, the Heath was the site of last summer’s One Heart music festival, which showcased local bands Three Ring Circus, Blot and The Hubert Rawlinson Experience.

Festival organisers Hippy Happenings Inc. were later fined £27.50 by Froghill Crown Court for staging an event with inadequate sanitary facilities. “It is our opinion that One Heart represented a vacation in more ways than one,” said presiding judge Neville Silliphant, in his summing-up.

“We know that many of the 15,000 festivalgoers took Ecstasy that day,” said THICK researcher Dr. Grant Honeydew. “Ecstasy is naturally broken down by the body and excreted over a five- to six-hour period.

“Human waste is easily absorbed into leaf mold, a substance which is eaten by earthworms. These worms make up the staple diet of the badger.

“Due to the abundance of earthworms last summer, each of our badgers had an intake of anything up to 200 grams of Ecstasy, every day for three weeks or so,” Dr. Honeydew added.

It seems that the ‘loved up’ badgers then went at it like knives. And, as anyone who has recently been walking on Traubert’s Heath will tell you, the result is a baby boom of staggering proportions.

“You can barely take a step on the Heath without squashing a cub underfoot,” said Maggie Woolhatt of the Froghill Amateur Rambling Club (FARC). “And that makes quite a mess, let me tell you - badger stains can be very stubborn.” 

“We can only hope that the cubs haven’t been born drug-dependent,” said a concerned Dr. Honeydew. “THICK has no on-site MDMA manufacturing capabilities, and it would put considerable strain on our resources if we have to take the badgers clubbing.”

CAPON TO BE INSERTED AFTER DICK PULLED OUT

With government cuts placing social services under increasing pressure, Froghill Library finds itself needing to save as much as £73 in the coming year.

As part of an initiative to reduce expenditure, library books are to be rotated rather than renewed, with no new purchases scheduled for 2019.

Spokeswoman Lyndsey Spalding said: “In the interests of reducing costs, we do not envisage adding to our stock this year. Rather, we will remove titles which have not been borrowed in six months or more and replace them with similar material from our archives.”

The first of these substitutions is to be made in the library’s Science Fiction section. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, the 1968 novel by Phillip K. Dick which spawned the hugely successful film Bladerunner, is to be retired from next Monday.

It will be replaced with The Final Refuge by Paul Capon.

COUPLE ‘OVER THE MOON’ AS ROY ORBISON REVIVES CAT

A couple whose cat was rendered unconscious in the opening minutes of the new year say they were ‘over the moon’ when the animal regained consciousness yesterday.

Millie, a three-year old tabby, was struck by a jerry can during after an explosion which saw local businessman George Chitling hospitalised and his car destroyed.

The explosion occurred as Mr. Chitling was filling the vehicle, which had run out of petrol, in Froghill High Street. The force of the blast sent the jerry can flying across the road, striking the prowling Millie squarely on the head. 

The stricken feline was taken to the Wythering Animal Rehabilitation Trust (WART) by a passing motorist.

“I thought we’d lost her for good,” said Froghill resident and wool-gathering enthusiast Maureen Cornplaster. “She was just lying there, with barely a blip on the oscilloscope and the word ‘Esso’ imprinted on her head.”

It was Maureen’s husband Lionel who suggested playing music to their pet. 

“She’s always been partial to sixties pop,” said Lionel, seated at Millie’s bedside, “and I’d read somewhere about how music can bring people out of a coma. So I thought: ‘if it works with people, why not cats?’

“So we brought in an old compilation tape of Roy Orbison’s greatest hits and played it on our portable. To begin with, there was no response but as Only the Lonely started up, her right forepaw twitched. And then, when Roy does that sexy growl in the middle of Pretty Woman, she opened her eyes and miaowed! We couldn’t believe it!

“Mind you,” added Lionel with a fond glance across at Millie, “Pretty Woman always was her favourite – she thinks it’s about her, you see.”

MISPRINT

Due to an editorial oversight, a misprint occurred in last week’s edition of the Observer. In a piece entitled Did Aliens Once Rent A Shop in Froghill? we referred to Melvin Penrose, of Bessels Close, Cheetingham, as “a pug-ugly, snot-nosed little bigot.” That should, of course, have read “a pig-ugly, snot-nosed little bigot.” We apologise to Mr. Penrose and his family for any offence caused.

TOP TIPS FOR KEEPING WARM THIS WINTER

The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow. And with today's fuel costs being what they are, that’s a chilling prospect. So here are ten simple tips for beating the freeze without freezing your assets.

1.     Every schoolchild knows that keeping warm is all about layers. So why not create as many as you can by wearing all the clothing you own at the same time? This will not only keep out the cold, it will prevent you from injury when you fall over which, due to your bulbous shape and impaired mobility, you almost certainly will. For added safety, wear a helmet to protect the head.

2.     Stop washing. Once again, we’re talking layers. A coating of dirt is an excellent insulator, and doubly effective beneath all those clothes. So for added warmth, remember - showers are not forecast until April!

3.   Wrap cling film around your head and body, making sure to use a complete roll in the process. Keep the wrapping loose, particularly around the nose and mouth, to avoid suffocation. The carbon dioxide you exhale will be trapped by the cling film, circulating around the body with ‘every breath you take’.

4.    This tip won’t cost you a mint - but it will require you to buy some. Choose extra strong mints, for preference. Pop a couple into your mouth and suck them until they get hot. Then stick out your tongue. Hey presto! The room will be as warm as toast in no time!

5.     Loosely bind your ankles with duct tape. This will cause your thighs to rub together and produce heat as you walk. While you’re at it, why not put on a black frock coat over a white shirt and slip a pair of flippers onto your feet? With the addition of a fish in your mouth, you’ll keep the family amused for hours during those long winter evenings.

6.   Keep leftover packs of desiccating agent from medicine bottles and food cartons. Heat is generated as a by-product of the dehydration process, so just swallow a pack, drink a glass of water and soon you’ll be experiencing a warm inner glow. Silica, the active ingredient in each pack, is a gel-like substance that is nearly always non-toxic.

7.    Lie on your back, with your legs at a 45-degree angle and your feet flat on the floor. Now push forcefully with your heels to propel yourself across the carpet, taking care not to hit your head on the opposite wall. The friction produced will cause a significant build-up of heat in a very short time. Not advisable when naked.

8.     Most supermarkets offer sizeable discounts on food items which are near, or past, their sell-by date. Ideal for our purposes are all kinds of meat, fish and dairy products. Store your purchases in a warm airing cupboard for at least a month before consuming. The ensuing diarrhoea and vomiting will lead to rapid and substantial weight loss. This will decrease the surface area of your body - and less you means less to get cold!

9.   It’s a scientific fact that bovine flatulence produces methane, a flammable natural gas. So next time you’re out for a walk, remember to take a Kilner jar with you. When you come across a herd of cows, take time to listen, as cattle tend to ‘let go’ at the same time. At the first hint of a raspberry, run for the nearest cow, immobilise its back legs with one arm and press the jar against its rear end with the other. When the jar is full, simply clamp it shut. You now have a free and natural source of warmth - but that’s not all! Methane burns with an attractive blue flame and will lighten up, as well as liven up, any dinner party. So next time you have friends around, why not break out the methane and turn out the lights? You’ll not only have saved the evening, you’ll have saved on your fuel bills, too!

10.  Scotch bonnet chilies are cheap, readily available and extremely hot. Take one chili per person and cut it in half lengthwise. Do not remove the membrane or the seeds. Now take each half and rub it vigorously into your eyes. This won’t warm you up, but it will result in such intense pain that you’ll completely forget how cold you are.

Do you have any practical tips for keeping warm this winter? Then why not share them with our readers? Email your suggestions to www.froghillobserver.co.uk/cheapskate or call our Cold hotline on 0372 55055. Calls cost £372 per minute, standard rate.

HOT STUFF AS FIREFIGHTERS RAISE MONEY WITH NUDE CALENDAR

Twelve firefighters from Froghill have bared all for a calendar to raise money for a local children’s charity.

The calendar, entitled Hot Stuff 2019, was the brainchild of Station Manager Len Scramble, who told the Observer: “The idea came to me when one of the lads made a joke about pole dancing. I thought it might be a fun way to do something for charity.

“All the lads were up for it. We had great fun, we took pictures around the station, on the fire engines and even during a call-out at a house fire.”

Just to ‘wet’ your appetite, the full line-up of 2019’s barenaked laddies is:

Mr. January: Firefighter James Best, making tea in his helmet while on a break.

Mr. February: Firefighter Keith Sims, displaying his apparatus to fascinated children during a visit to Cheetingham Primary School.

Mr. March: Station Manager Len, smiling coyly for the camera while adjusting his nozzle.

Mr. April: Watch Manager Curtis Shoetree, wearing protective boots and clearing up a discharge.

Mr. May: Trainee Firefighter Bradley Manthorpe, standing on the Station forecourt with an uncoiled hose.

Mr. June: Firefighter Dennis Rapier, poised at the wheel, minutes before getting his tender out.

Mr. July: Crew Manager Gary Blake, turning the valve prior to squirting during a training session.

Mr. August: Senior Firefighter Vernon Spools, demonstrating a hand jack to a group of new recruits.

Mr. September: Firefighter Arthur ‘Merman’ Snitch, snapped from behind while coping with a backdraft.

Mr. October: Firefighter Mike Rococo, tackling a blaze while a trapped man screams for help in the background.

Mr. November: Area Manager Graham Motley, gesturing towards a cockloft during a hands-on exercise.

Mr. December, Firefighter Colin Snoad, discreetly hung with baubles, spraying an open-mouthed Santa with foam.

The Hot Stuff 2019 calendar is available online at www.frogfire.gov.uk/hotstuff or from the Montague Road fire station, price £4.99. All proceeds will go to the Froghill Orphans Protection Society (FOPS).

MAN HAS ROCKET AND TEETH EXTRACTED AFTER NEW YEAR’S MISHAP

Emergency services were called to Froghill High Street early this morning after a local businessman was seriously injured by a rocket.

George Chitling, CEO of Chitling’s Balls and Brackets, was rushed to Froghill General Hospital just after midnight.

Events were set in train by Wythering resident Barrie Nesbit, presenter of the popular children’s TV show Mr. Wobbly’s World. Hosting the New Year’s fireworks display, Mr. Nesbit was scheduled to make a short speech before firing the opening rocket on the stroke of midnight.

Eye witnesses at the celebration on Froghill Common report Mr. Nesbit as unsteady on his feet as he left the refreshments tent, adding that he needed assistance to ascend the launch platform.

Slurring his words as he counted down to midnight, the celebrity stumbled and lost his balance. He fell heavily onto the 25lb rocket which immediately roared into life. Instead of climbing into the night sky as planned, it flew off in the direction of the town centre, scattering terrified revellers as it did so.

The rocket shattered the display window of Bennet’s the Butchers in the High Street, incinerating the last turkey in the shop.

“I thought I’d died and gone to hell,” said owner Stan Bennet, who lives on the premises. “I was just pouring a new year’s toast for me and the missus, when crash! there’s flames and noise and a powerful smell of burning meat.”

Gushing a six-foot trail of fire and draped in a string of sausages, the maverick missile ricocheted off the walls, exited the shop and continued down the High Street. After setting fire to the municipal Christmas tree, it careened off the Town Hall clock, which had just finished striking midnight. The impact triggered the mechanism and the clock struck the hour a second time.

Mr. Chitling, whose Audi A8 had run out of petrol just moments before, was bending over the fuel tank with a jerry can. As he paused to look up at the Town Hall clock, the speeding rocket struck him from behind.

The blow sent the jerry can flying and Mr. Chitling spinning round in circles. The can landed on a prowling cat, knocking it senseless. Seconds later, the flames emanating from Mr. Chitling’s rear ignited the fuel tank, turning his car into a fireball.

Thrown clear by the blast, the charred businessman was sent screaming down the High Street. Data from the speed camera at the junction with St. Alfege Street recorded him as travelling at 93 mph.

The eventual starburst catapulted its hapless victim through the windows of the Pearly Gates dental laboratory. Paramedics arrived on the scene to discover him unconscious in the consulting room, covered in glass shards and dentures.

Upon arrival at Froghill General, Mr. Chitling was rushed into theatre, where he underwent a four-hour procedure to extract the rocket casing, glass fragments and teeth.

“It was touch and go there for a while,” said chief surgeon Dr. Nathan Toploder. “Mind you, the chipolatas we found in the patient’s pockets were cooked to perfection. Sausages during surgery - just what the doctor ordered!”

Contacted by the Observer at his home, Mr. Nesbit expressed regret over the night’s proceedings, confessing that he had “maybe seen in the new year a wee bit early.”

Mr. Chitling, who is continuing to receive treatment for shock, burns and impacted wisdom teeth, was unavailable for comment.